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gasmask_colostomy's profile

Full name:
Edmund M 
United Kingdom 
Favourite metal genre(s):
Doom, trad, melodeath, power 

How to write a review of a bad album:

1. Sit in an upright chair. Don't slouch or lie on a sofa or bed. If you are too comfortable, you will be more forgiving towards the music.

2. Make yourself a beverage or prepare a snack. Cold beverages ensure chilly fingers for that frosty, clipped typing style. Messy snacks allow a certain caution when touching the keyboard, which simulates disdain.

3. Listen carefully to a few songs. Remember specifics about why it sucks so much. If you like, mutter your criticisms aloud while shaking your head.

4. Begin to type steadily and dispassionately. Build up the negative profile of the album slowly, beginning with milder problems and progressing onto the car crash aspects.

5. When in thought, sip your beverage or snack cautiously, never allowing yourself to savour the taste too much. Plain or bitter flavours are beneficial at this stage.

6. Use archaic language. Saying an album is "woefully unappealing" always convinces more than saying it "sucks balls".

7. Be specific. If one song is particularly terrible, don't hesitate to tear it to shreds, but remember to describe the heinous crimes against music as well as how it made you vomit.

8. Don't underestimate the power of humour. An enraged rant can alienate the reader, while a sense of bitter irony will win their respect.

9. Take supreme pleasure in put-downs.

How to write a review of your favourite album:

1. Don't review anything if you can't talk about it without using hyperbole.