Register Forgot login?

© 2002-2023
Encyclopaedia Metallum

Privacy Policy

BastardHead's profile

Metal lord 
Email address:
Full name:
Mike Henn 
United States 
Favourite metal genre(s):
Pretty much everything I guess 

If you get a review rejected by me, I'll say right here that I'm a strict and nitpicky hardass, but I'm also one of the warmer dudes you'll find here. I'm quite open to contact and will do my best not to ignore any questions you may have and respond to whatever comes my way. My email is right up there, I'm also on the forums every day so PM me if you're weird like that.

Come visit my review blog! Things I post here, non metal reviews, and editorials. Plus I show pictures of titties occasionally. I buy a case of beer for each 1000th hit! READ MY SHIT LOOK AT TITTIES WIN BEER!

You can also get updates on Facebook if you're the type:

Lately I've been seeing a lot of complaining about review scores. People giving out too many 100%s or not having a clear definition of what their scale is. So I'd like to go all out and lay out my entire rating scale so there's no confusion with my own reviews:

0 - Your mom making eye contact with you while Brian Pepper plows her in your bed
1 - Finding your pillow replaced with a pile of dead puppies
2 - The resurgence of fascism in America
3 - Opening your mouth in a public pool and accidentally swallowing a turd
4 - Getting catfished by Michael Moore
5 - Losing your life savings in a ponzi scheme
6 - John Waters' mustache
7 - Getting a 0.0 time in the Chocobo Race but only getting a Turbo Ether
8 - Icehouse
9 - 2017 in general
10 - Your wife leaving you for a man named "Scooter"
11 - The sound of Styrofoam bending
12 - David Bowie dying
13 - The main synth line in "Dirty Laundry" by Huey Lewis and the News
14 - Chicago losing Super Bowl XLI after Hester returned the opening kickoff
15 - Biting your tongue
16 - The Tug o' War minigame in Mario Party
17 - Rolling two consecutive gutter balls
18 - Getting framed for murder
19 - People who love Fight Club but don't realize that it's satire
20 - Buying Suikoden II on eBay for $121 a week before it's released digitally for $6
21 - Your coworker who microwaves tuna
22 - Paying rent
23 - Drinking three day old horchata because you forgot it was milk-based
24 - Sitting on a cactus
25 - Being sober at 4am and realizing nothing is open except Denny's
26 - The Simpsons after Season 9
27 - Golden Corral's buffet
28 - Realizing I need to think of 101 unique jokes for this gag to work
29 - A flat tire
30 - The Tom and Jerry movie where they both talk and are friends
31 - Dropping your Tamagotchi in a cup of coffee
32 - Dropping your baby in a cup of coffee
33 - God damned cracker crumbs all over the fucking carpet
34 - Having a mullet
35 - Pretending to like Taylor Swift to impress a girl
36 - Getting framed for murder but having a good lawyer
37 - Watching a bad comedian bomb
38 - Missing a free throw
39 - Being named "Waldo"
40 - Taking a drink of water so big it feels like you're swallowing a golf ball
41 - Pop commies
42 - Spending all day fishing and not catching anything
43 - Most of Dragonforce's career
44 - Oversleeping for your final but your professor lets you make it up
45 - The movie "Rent"
46 - Billy Mitchell's hair
47 - Eating way too many pancakes
48 - Farting really hard and accidentally pooping but only a little bit
49 - Washing the dishes
50 - Eating a really decent slice of bread
51 - Being bitten by a shark but getting a rad scar
52 - Italy
53 - Seeing a crappy band open for a great one
54 - Not being a better singer than Freddie Mercury but at least having better teeth
55 - A plain turkey sandwich
56 - Forgetting the safe word
57 - Most Kevin Smith films
58 - Spelling "clitoris" in Scrabble but still losing
59 - Deciding not to go to work
60 - Buying a perfectly acceptable used car
61 - Dynasty Warriors 7
62 - Losing a loved one in a freak accident but getting a fat life insurance check
63 - Enduring a messy divorce but at least you got the dog
64 - Somebody putting The Proclaimers on a jukebox twelve times
65 - Dying
66 - Being drunk at 4am and realizing Denny's is open
67 - Being the worst QB to ever win the Super Bowl (Trent Dilfer, obviously)
68 - Spending too much on alcohol but buying enough to get drunk anyway
69 - Better in theory than practice but still quite good
70 - The drive thru getting your order wrong but giving you something better
71 - Baking a cake but not having any frosting
72 - The cognitive dissonance necessary to enjoy Seaworld
73 - A good frolf sesh
74 - Knob Creek bourbon
75 - Finding an onion ring in your french fries
76 - Go Karting
77 - Knocking a mosquito out of the air with a stream of pee
78 - The smug sense of satisfaction that comes with getting a lot of Facebook likes
79 - Watching rollerbladers fall down
80 - The bassline in "Super Freak"
81 - The Great Outdoor Fight arc
82 - The "Parasites Lost" episode of Futurama
83 - The "Two Minutes to Midnight" riff
84 - Playing with like six dogs
85 - Being fed grapes off the vine like a Roman emperor
86 - Doing a wheelie
87 - Winning a small amount in the lottery and telling your boss to eat shit
88 - An expensive hibachi dinner for free
89 - dril tweets
90 - Rock'n'Rolf's accent
91 - "All Star" memes
92 - The episode of South Park where Butters gets hit in the eye with a ninja star
93 - 2B's ass
94 - Mitch Hedberg's tight five on Letterman
95 - Pie Hell
96 - Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 soundtrack
97 - Undertaker vs Mankind Hell in the Cell match 1998
98 - Anal with Beyonce
99 - Anal with Bjork
100 - Lanky Kong's medium-speed walk animation from DK64