In Satan and Plutonium We Trust

Darkthrone is a duo. Darkthrone is a good band. We’re a trio. Therefore, we’re a good band and must be at least as good as Darkthrone. This seems to be the logic behind this French black metal band, but let me tell you straight away: it’s wrong, wrong, wrong. Darkthrone pretty much invented this genre of minimalist black metal, they were the original, and later bands attempting to emulate their style will, in all but the rarest cases, come across as pale imitations striving to reach a level that’s simply beyond their reach.

Vortex of End (what a ridiculous band name, by the way) play a kind of black metal that seems to think that minimalism equals interesting music and that talent is not needed provided you’re sufficiently minimalist. But let’s face it: minimalism without talent to back it up is not worth listening to and not worth the plastic the CD is printed on. And that’s precisely why Darkthrone have reached the level of badassability and veneration that they deservedly have – they have more talent in their frozen Norwegian pinkies than these French impostors have in their collective bodies and lives.

This entire album is a parade of clichés, from the song titles (“Nekrogoat Domination” and “Nunwhore Bondage Kommando” to name just two examples) to the subject matter (you guessed it – Satan, nuclear shit, and war) to the suitably offensive pictures on the inlay card to the band photo with the Revenge T-shirt, the gas mask, and the bullet belt – this could be taken from some crash course called ‘Black metal for dummies 101’ or something like that. Okay, these guys are perhaps not entirely without talent, they are able to play their instruments at some basic level of capability, but everything on this album is so amazingly derivative – I keep expecting to hear somebody, Nagarth or HKC Nag or whatever the fuck he wants to call himself, shouting “En vind av sorg!” This album sounds like Panzerfaust outtakes more than anything. Sort-of-fast tremolo-picked riffs and sort-of-fast blastbeats alternating with slower, boring beats. And then, of course, some atmospheric interludes designed to establish a scary, oppressive mood. Not happening.

There are a couple of half-way decent moments on here, in particular the song “Vortex of End”. This tune has a very dirty thrash metal feel to it, but it sort of disappears in to mind-numbingly dull swamp of this thoroughly mediocre black metal excursion. Some point must be added, however, because of the very disgusting puking sounds at the beginning and at the end of the last track (“Total Nekrosluts Pussy’s Desekration” – I shit you not!). This could constitute the best use of puking sounds since Misanthropy’s “Choking on Razors” from their split with Raw Hatred.

All in all, this album and this band is a very clear illustration of Darkthrone’s saddest legacy – now it seems as if anybody can release steaming piles of manure as long as it’s ‘minimalist’ and utterly uniform. In Satan and Plutonium We Trust is a limited edition release – just 500 copies – but it’s highly unlikely that more than 500 people in the world would be interested in purchasing this colossally tiresome and uninspiring album.