В гимнах и проклятиях

Setting aside any possible connections between Ancient Vikings and modern Ukrainians for historians and anthropologists, I can attempt to discuss this long defunct band without too many biases. Admittedly, it is quite a trial, for the cheesiness factor on this tape shoots pretty high up, exacerbated by the duo's lofty aspirations that nowhere near match their abilities. The band's preceding, lower scale demo "Loss of Benediction" was a much more palatable and even likable affair for that reason alone: compact, semi-melodic, "black-like" metal with Viking flair and its own, quite normal bouquet of deficiencies (not the most imaginative, if periodically pretty decent, song writing, lack of really memorable hooks, stymied guitar sound, uneven clean vocal performance and so on down the list). These deficiencies grew exponentially, as if placed under a magnifying glass, when they were stuck in a new, ambitious format on the band's full-length. Did the duo really think they were going to become the Ukrainian Falkenbach? Yeah, let's grab our old tape and, without further ado, toss it into the Procrustean bed of epic composition. Let's shake well in order to iron out the stretch marks, mend a handful of lacerations on the edges, grease with lard and serve to the public in dire need of a new soundtrack for raping and pillaging.

What the final product turned out to be is an ungodly mixture of wannabe, softcore black metal and fetishistic, Viking nursery rhymes that could have only been done with a straight face if its makers were (A) taking a complete piss or (B) being way over their head serious about the damn thing. With both of these options being hopelessly terminal cases, it would be a normal occurrence for their freeholders to abandon such endeavors rather quickly. And sure enough, one of the band members plays in a local deathcore group these days and most likely cares very little about any Viking-related existential issues. But anyway, as I heard the band launch into a "la-la-la" vocal line at the end of the opener "Hymn to the Sea Skimmers", blasphemous visions picturing cohorts of Vikings singing and holding hands flashed before my eyes and made me burst out in laughter before sending me fleeing in utter disbelief rather than in actual horror. When I returned to my senses (and to my stereo), I rationalized (in a tongue-in-cheek kind of fashion) that it might have been an unorthodox way some Vikings chose to lure their prey, though it surely could have only been fitting for little children. Disturbed by direction this thought pattern was taking me, I decided to focus on the music more objectively but was met with more of the same, only worse: glaring absence of any real melodies and riffs, crowned by fleecy guitar sound, whose infirm buzzing all but disappears under torrents of drum-machine beats. In place of guitars - redundant keyboard harmonies doppelganging those perceived Viking riffs in extremely dull manner, aided and abetted by deadpan, puffed up Viking singing, diluted by some dry yelling and screaming. Everything here is rolled into generally long, but in no way epic, songs full of tediously threadbare ideas, spread to unnecessary lengths, with absolutely zero atmosphere, naturally making it all drag on way longer than can be normally endured. It is very telling how an Osgiliath demo, reviewed nearby, sits in a somewhat similar boat, with regards to its musical approach of relying considerably on synth harmonies and simple ideas in a protracted format but creates the MOOD, while all this tape does is crap all over itself. Valhalla made quite a useful manual on how NOT to play Viking metal or metal in general. These songs had the unfortunate honor of sucking dry their own life juices due to such scandalous inability to put together even a decent harmony, much less an actual riff or a keyboard chord.

Bonus track "Invasion" (taken from "Loss of Benediction" or maybe re-recorded) is the only thing on here that displays drive and a semblance of song-writing ability. The rest is nothing more than music for those Vikings that never went into battle but instead spent their time preying on small children. Oh, and the band photos are funny as well, capturing the band members looking like two medieval, adolescent knight apprentices (or maybe just a couple of ridiculous rejects from the set of "The Seventh Seal") with too much make up, preparing to pose for the cover of GQ magazine circa summer 1410, after riling themselves up by playing Stoptanz for hours on end.