Goddess of Love

Exploring obscure metal is just one big lab experiment. You might be one of the smarter test subjects, reflecting on the metal qualities you appreciate until you're lying atop a dragon hoard of hidden gems. I, on the other hand, keep reaching out for album covers with butts on them, hopelessly confused as to why I'm not making any progress. But can you really blame me this time? Doesn't Tormentor's only album Goddess of Love look like an old Judas Priest album that time forgot? I don't think I deserved such a crushing disappointment.

I imagine the likes of Van Halen and Alice Cooper are responsible for instilling doubt in many emerging metal bands around this time, tacitly advising they take a safer approach to metal if they want to see commercial success. That is to say, by not actually playing metal at all. The naive, puppy dog eyes of Tormentor sought guidance from this limpid pop in metal's clothing, and had thus released a profoundly boring 'anthem' album less metal than the average NES soundtrack.

'Icarus' is a microcosm in flaws and in simplicity. Guido Wolfaert is a passable singer, though unmistakably subdued and vexingly predictable. When he sings "Don't fly too low", he hits a low note, and when he sings "Don't fly too high", there's just no telling where the melody will go. Though I begrudgingly give accuracy points to the lyrics, because in case you were wondering, Daedalus actually does warn Icarus not to fly too low, either. But while Tormentor's knowledge of Greek mythology is certainly up to scratch, their knowledge of guitar riffs is severely lacking.

Insultingly basic in this track as well as nearly all others, guitarist Jack Lardot delivers a performance as basic and sterile as a Microsoft Word template. Dreary chords are the bread and butter of this butter sandwich, with a side of beginner's blues rock licks in tracks like 'The Joker'. 'Mean Advice' and 'Hell is for Children' both sound like something Meat Loaf would play to get themselves warmed up, but at least the latter track manages a decent solo near the end. Though by no means a great track, I can also appreciate the faint traces of energy and originality in 'No They Ain't Gonna Catch Me'.

The reason why my score isn't much lower is because the musicianship, as bland and soulless as it is, is still performed competently. So it's a spongecake with no flavor. Just as its unlikely to give you indigestion, I doubt you'll get any satisfaction from it either. At least if a dessert is sickly sweet, tastes terrible, or wreaks havoc on your digestive tract, it's something to talk about. It can be a source of amusement a few hours or days down the road. Goddess of Love won't even give you that courtesy.

Standout tracks:
Hell is for Children

Related (better) listening:
Bad Lizard - Power of Destruction
Van Veen - Over the Universe