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Uh... Green Cum Isn't Normal, You Know? - 75%

EvilAllen, August 12th, 2019

The Ogre Packet Slammers are an American deathcore band. However, keep this in mind, I'm not a fan of deathcore...not even a little bit. I feel like it's just an excuse to mix death metal and metalcore together, you know? But I'll admit, as much as I hate deathcore don't take it seriously as a genre, because it's a fucking joke. The Ogre Packet Slammers are a group who I can take seriously... I think they're "seriously" funny. They took a weird-ass topic and went with it. And yeah...they made it work...so that's a little scary. See, with The Ogre Packet Slammers, they can at least create a decent atmosphere and make it functioning correctly...unlike Car Dick Dick Smash and Chainsaw Penis... I honestly hate those two bands and their lame ideas... These guys right here, they make comedy "funny", not "stupid...simply because they know how to create a mixture of existing ideas. Feel free to make me look like a loser for actually liking this...you're just a loser yourself because you know in the back of your mind, that it's not easy being green...OH! Take that, slut! Assuming you're a guy who fucks anybody...or even anything...yikes...offensive language! Hopefully I don't get "censored" for it. Onward!

Now, I still hate deathcore, but it's because of this band is why I'll listen to it...as long as it's them. I'm probably a "fanboy" at this point. But who cares? They use Shrek as their primary theme. And who doesn't like Shrek? I mean come on, he's literally a fat, deformed Hulk...right? Now, with all this shit out of the way, I think it's kind of safe to dive into the important stuff. So... Let's begin with the band's artwork for this album. It appears to be taken from a "meme", which features Shrek. I guess we can pretend the city is Detroit, a scummy place filled with crime and murder. If metal can make shit cool, then go for it. It's a really interesting experiment. The clarity of the audio is modern, crisp and clear...naturally it would be these days... HD everything, am I right? Well, HQ would even be correct to say as well. The vocals are really low, reminds me of the vocalist from Vulvectomy, the slam band. Same pig grunts and vocal style. But with this band, it sounds like it's an actual pig, learning how to speak English. The lyrics are totally radical and funny. It takes some wild imagination to write about such murderous nonsense, that involves people reading the "beware" sign...normally before they "die" in most cases. Read them yourself. It's hard not to chuckle at the fucked up shit.

The guitars provide some heavy leads, breakdowns and just riffs in general. Even some interesting solos. The guitars are loaded with heavy-distorted plugins that make the guitars sound really thick, basically fat in itself...just like Shrek. I suppose a lot of time and effort was actually put into everything. Most songs must be pushing well-over 200 BPM. This is some crazy shit at rapid-like speeds. The bass isn't really noticed, however, with a decent headset, you can feel the driving force, instead of actually hearing the audio of it in itself. The drums are insanely-fast. Like a mental nutcase who broke out of the institute. Even traditional thrash metal bands I hear don't play drums this rapidly. Back to the guitars for a minute, it's also worth noting that the solos are actually "melodic", they have a lot of emotional vibes. Not the "shredding" style. This music could uplift someone who has difficulties in life. Seriously, this shit is for the soul...never mind that chicken soup bullshit... This music is powerful, aggressive, weird stupid...but fun...and funny at that. I like it, even if it's stupid. Bands like these guys, become infamous and are rarely talked about. But in today's world, that's actually a good thing. I hope they make another record soon. I just hope it doesn't suck. This shit delivers and it delivers quite well. So...all-in-all... While green cum isn't normal (and especially not healthy), it does provide a "nasty" green "glow"...like glow-in-the-dark clay...yeah...that!