Eye II Eye

I'd like to start by saying that I love Scorpions. Their 70's material is godly, and their 80's stuff up until Savage Amusement is absolutely indispensable. How then, did they manage to become one of the worst bands on the planet afterwards?

First of all, the thing in between the two Eye's is not the word "to", it's a fucking II as in the letter two. We all know what that means. Look everyone, it's a desperate attempt to look hip! You've seen every washed up band try it, but Scorpions some how manage to take this already off-putting concept and turn it into pure agony. What possessed them to put ELECTRONIC DRUMS IN EVERY SONG?! I don't mean skullcrushing, inhuman, and highly technical blastbeats, I mean softer-than-soft rock swinging shit that you could do on your goddamn PC. This is literally an attempt by the Scorps to release a dance album. Good God almighty, why?!

You'd be hard-pressed to find a more lifeless album in any catalogue, by any band. Every other song is a fucking 90's Bon Jovi ballad or an unspeakably awful mid-tempo track that attempts to have some "funk". The Scorpions are a German power/trad/hair metal band, and they groove like crap and rightly so. James Kottak(WHO?!) is alledgedly the drummer on the disaster, and if he isn't frothing at the mouth at this all-out hack-job of his work, than he is less metal than Fred Durst. In fact, Kottak doesn't even play on a lot of the songs, and when he does it's always mixed with these fucking bizarre "percussion" noises underneath, around and over the live drums. Watch "Obsession" a decent-ish power ballad hamstrung before your eyes and turned into some truly atrocious 'R&B'.

The first song title that's actually written in German in the entire Scorps catalogue is also one of the worst. "Du Bist So Schmutzig" is so AWFUL that it makes me sick. Did you ever in your worst nightmares think that Scorpions would try to rap? These guys make James LaBrie look like fucking Chuck D. I can't get over how bad this stuff is! Jabs tries valiantly to inject some of the classic style into the proceedings through-out the records with a few maudlin solo's, but the wonky production and lets be honest, horrific song-writing make his efforts worthless. And since when is Klaus Meine a pop-star? That little gnome is one of the most physically repulsive frontmen in mainstream rock, who the hell does he think he is singing pap like "Mysterious"? The man was once the shrieking epitome of Euro-metal on songs like "Virgin Killer", what the hell happenned?

Even the cover art upsets me. Oooh, it's arty. It's like they think they're Kratwerk or something. However, like that band the lyrics have never been the focus, it's been the music. HOWEVER, whoever wrote the lyrics on this record should be ashamed of themselves. "To Be No.1"? You guys haven't been that in at least ten years. "Freshly Squeezed"? Lame attempt to rip off "The Lemon Song", one of the lamest songs in existence. "What U Give U Give Back"? BLARG! GRALB! Why is it so hard to spell the word "you"? I guess it's supposed to be trendy and cool, but there's no excuse for this tripe from a metal band dammit.

Verdict? Woefully unhip dance/pop that will turn your stomach, decay your mind, and fill you with more anger than a whole heap of death metal records. Avoid at all costs.