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Satyricon > The Age of Nero > Reviews > Empyreal
Satyricon - The Age of Nero

Appalling on every level. Fuck this band. - 10%

Empyreal, July 23rd, 2009

Let me just get one thing out of the way first. I'm reviewing this album as a fan of more traditional forms of metal, having not become familiar with Satyricon's earlier work yet. I am not a Black Metal expert, nor will I attempt to pass myself off as one here.

When I first heard of this, hearing that the band in question was once a Black Metal band but now played more traditional, rocking music, I was like, "hey, it can't be that bad! I like hard rock and traditional metal and other things of that nature. If Venom and later Darkthrone can pull it off, what are the chances that this will be the one band to royally fuck it up? Right? Right?!" I guess I thought that the backlash against this band's newer material was just the result of a bunch of Black Metal purists not tolerating the change of style that band leader Satyr and his compadres had chosen to take. Well, I was wrong, and you Black Metal fans can consider this my personal apology to you.

I mean really. Is this the best this VETERAN BAND can produce so far into their career? This half-baked, dullard blend of lifeless guitar plunking and half-assed croaking? It's really hard to take the music industry seriously at this point. Were the sound engineers, the record execs, the managers...were they all asleep when Satyricon was recording this? I can't think of any other excuse, unless the band snuck into the studio late at night to do it all themselves before anyone could stop them. The Age of Nero is completely bereft of any entertainment value or creativity at all, an album that is about forty minutes long but feels like it lasts eighty. This is background music of the very worst kind. The songs plod on needlessly with dumb grooves that make no effort to stand out or catch your attention, never doing much, never changing tempo or even making any attempts at atmosphere or anything. They just...exist for the sake of existing. And driving me to terrible homicidal urges along the way, can't forget that.

There are some Black Metal elements in the guitar playing, but it's diluted into something too basic and stupid to carry any kind of punch, and the rest of the time the guitars do nothing but churn out stale blandness that doesn't even get a pulse going at all. It's hard to even describe how bad this is; it's just completely worthless on every level, and that's putting it as bluntly and as straightforward as possible. The music is completely sterile. It never takes any risks, it never feels proud or even like the band was having fun writing it. It's the most elementary, juvenile trash ever, the musical equivalent of two plus two equals four, a complete void of anything resembling coherent or even moderately higher thought processes.

Satyr's vocals are laughable; just a faux-harsh sort of croak that seems to be trying to sound badass and coarse a la Lemmy or Cronos or something, but it just sounds more like an asshole trying to make his voice sound as tough as possible, only to end up sounding completely fake and ridiculous. There's no passion or anger or anything to this performance, it's completely enervated! Good lord, can't you give us just one iota of energy or fire in this performance at all? Is it really that much to ask for music to be filled with things that make me want to headbang or sing along or even just raise the fucking horns? This is ridiculous! This is insipid twaddle! Can this be any worse at all? I don't think it can.

The worst thing about this is just the way you always think it's going to explode into a headbanging fury or just anything cool at all, but it never does. This happens several times on the album, and every time it never fails to disappoint. The only way this could be any worse is if Satyr actually put voice clips in there that shouted "GOTCHA!" every time it seems like the music is building up to a climax and ends up not. What, so it wasn't enough to deprive the music of anything enjoyable, so you had to stick in parts where it SOUNDS like it's about to get good and then end up sliding back down into an anti-climax?

This record is a fucking joke. There is nothing about it that is compelling or endearing or gripping or even the least bit enjoyable. I don't even want to think about the kind of people this trash would actually appeal to. You could literally just turn on a record of nothing but two walruses having sex, and you would still have something more artistic than this. You could put on a fucking Jonas Brothers record and find something more enjoyable. You could get the same effect that this music brings out of listening to your lawnmower hum, your dishwasher rumbling, your vacuum cleaner or even the static of your television. All of those things are about on the same wavelength as The Age of Nero, and yet they are not nearly as deplorable as this, simply for the fact that no money or time went into producing them. Well, except for the Jonas Brothers.

The band obviously hates their fans and anyone who would actually condescend to give them a chance, because this is just such a huge middle finger to anyone who ever liked this band in the first place. The lack of effort on here is astonishing, and it just goes to show how little this band gives a fuck. Just throw this idiotic, ass-felching garbage in the trash where it belongs; you will be doing the whole world a favor.

Let me just leave you with one more thought, just one more thing: There are demo bands striving in the underground, hopeful and good-natured kids who are trying real hard to get record deals and share their music with the world. There are some really talented up-and-coming bands who would give anything to have the level of popularity that this band has, and have access to the studios they use to produce and write their music, and yet Satyricon are apparently content with producing horse manure like The Age of Nero, sucking up money and time into a great void of fecal matter from which nothing can ever return. That is a shame. Here's a tip for all of you reading this. The next time Satyr decides it's time for him to push out another one of these festering abortions, just run fast in the opposite direction, because nothing good can come from it.