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As sacred as that same tumbleweed in every film - 27%

Gutterscream, October 7th, 2013
Written based on this version: 1987, 12" vinyl, Black Dragon Records

“…break down the walls…”

Like the lonely existences of discs by Q5, Vandenberg, Heavy Pettin, Kick Axe, Vanadium, and shaky-looking Mausoleum stock like Hazzard and K-West, this has been seen floating around the used record bin for ages, the same flipped-to-death copy found on the rack with every record store visit, and only when Loverboy and Nightranger start looking good or when you really wanna go home with something – anything - does Sacred Child’s one and only cry adoptive tears even while finding itself thrown into the back seat, especially if it’s the lousy Target Records-licensed copy.

The big doo-dah of this thing that over this much time has still unanimously amounted to nothing is lead vocalist Astrid Young, ‘lil sis of Neil Young, who mostly provides common, barely memorable, mid-tempered…well, let’s just be nice and say it’s nothing special, a description that unfortunately doubles for this nine-songer’s music as a whole, but since I’m in a pretty good mood, I’ll be nice ‘til there’s nothing else to say.

The five-piece (who apparently think they’ve really got it goin’ on in the back cover shot) do the right thing by using “Bad as You Want It” and “Electric Thunder” to kick off the disc’s sides, being two of the better songs thanks to the former’s mildly catchy pre-chorus (or chorus, can’t really tell the difference) and the latter’s up-tempo generality. Okay, if the album hovers around this level, it just might not be the end of the world. Maybe. And this is a lot of forced optimism and possibly some happy drugs talkin’. And I'm petting my dogs. And I can smell the countdown to dinner. And I found three bucks in an old pair of pants. And it’s Friday.

Well, none of those are happening (‘cept maybe the drugs) and I can’t make up anything else worthwhile about what’s wasting my turntable’s mileage, so screw it. Sacred Child, band and album, is boring. The music is rudimentary hard rock under commercial metal’s playing-it-safe tutelage. Yep, it’s as exciting as that description sounds, and with the minor exceptions of the two aforementioned tracks and “Party at the Rainbow”, Sacred Child needed to hope and beg for a brighter adulthood, ‘cause there’s nothing sanctified, then or now, playing on the swing set.

Announced with about ten seconds of unusual, almost quasi-triumphant promise is “Chariots of Fire” which promptly loses a wheel on bumps in the road “Burn For You” and “Alive in Steel” and slides into the same ‘ol basic format that drains me of most life. “Party at the Rainbow”, side one’s name-accorded closer, is the most rockingly lively thing here that really shoulda ended side two, but instead just the opposite in “Rock Steady”, also name-accorded, gets in our way even while it can’t get out of its own. And gawd, just kill me when the head-lilting “Black Widow” and title cut wander down the same pike of disinterest the finale’s big boring ass is clogging up.

I’ll end this review back on a nice note by not saying anything more about it...except 'marvelous cover, guys!'. Now I’ll treat myself by shoving this as far back in the closet as the S row of my collection can swallow.

One of Black Dragon Records’ smallest and most inconsequential scales on its back.