Solid Metal Rules

What could scream metal more than a musclebound lizard man raising his Flying V to the scorched skies while standing upon a pile of skulls before the gates of hell? A fold of Colombian heavy metal newcomers of the more unapologetic variety called Reptile are the first to pose this question, and perhaps they will be the last as the visual in question is extremely distinctive, and perhaps a bit too ridiculous, to be incorporated and then passed off as original by any other band save maybe Avenged Sevenfold. Then again, the visual does have a commendable honesty to it as it definitely underscores the exaggerated character of the music that occupies this band's debut Solid Metal Rules, a title that sees little problem in discriminating against and disenfranchising all those poorer metals with melting points too low to withstand the flames of perdition, let alone shirking its responsibility to lecture those elitist metals of the inferno to check their higher melting point privilege.

The honesty of this album's exterior actually goes a bit beyond its almost cartoonish presentation and lyrical content and also hints at a revivalist character of sorts, though a far less conventional one than what denotes the likes of Striker or the recently departed Steelwing. It definitely carries a similar affinity for the more stylistically ambiguous character that was prominent in the early 80s NWOBHM scene, embodied particularly in darker acts like Satan and Venom. The sort of mixture of archaic speed metal, proto-thrash metal riffing alongside a more conventional, mid-paced crunch that was as much a staple of acts like Saxon and Diamond Head as the more blackened occult-obsessed side of the coin is pretty hard to miss in this music, and they even make time on their brief instrumental offering "Ancient Lizard" and some token quieter sections on other songs to emulate the sort of haunting, creepy, atmospheric balladry that became a tag-along element to thrash metal bands in the later 80s.

Things get a bit more murky when dealing with the production value and vocal approach that dominates most of this album, which brings in an element of post-2nd wave blackness embodied in the likes of Darkthrone, particularly the latter day speed/crust laced material that came in during the late 2000s. This is perhaps the most blatant on "Pagans", which may as well be a b-side off of F.O.A.D., save for the fact that the guitar solo work is a lot more calculated and shred happy, but the vocals of just about every song on here has elements of this blackened character. A definitely tip of the hat is in order to vocalist Avernal Sitri Moon, who is equally apt at emulating the sepulchral ravings of Nocturno Culto and Satyr as he is that old school clean yet occasionally gruff-tinged character of a typical NWOBHM vocalist, as well as lead guitarist Alexxx for his insane display of shredding that almost rivals Malmsteen at times on "Sweet Smell Of Hell".

There are only really two things that hold this album back and keep it from crossing that threshold between being solid and being truly outstanding, and one of those will be immediately honest to anyone who reads the lyric sheets. While it generally goes without saying that subtlety goes out the window with any kind of metal revivalism, the lyrical content of this album carries a fair degree of cringe-inducing moments, both in terms of unnecessary and poorly executed profanity and arguably some limitations in the English proficiency of the wording, which goes a bit beyond the occasional bending of the rules heard out of Immortal. The other is definitely less of an issue, but at times this album becomes a victim of its own ambition and gets a little stylistically muddled and confused, particularly in how the singer relate to the rest of the musical content, as the riff work is fairly involved and tends to fight with the constant switch-up approach to clean and harsh vocals.

There are a lot of words that could be used to describe this album, but boring or uninspired isn't one of them. For its short-comings in the lyrical department and its lack of stylistic focus, it does manage to throw some pretty solid songs of praise to the early days of heavy metal where things could be dark yet also catchy and ambitious. Whether it is the guitar solo-happy anthem to ass-kicking metal with an occasional barking twist in "Solid Metal Rules", a rather interesting hybrid of Iron Maiden style tunefulness and Darkthrone-inspired vileness in "Reptile (The Science Of The Great Serpent)", or a dreary and mostly down-tempo half-ballad with bleakness at the fore in "Waves Of Desolation", there is definitely a magic at work here that carries the potential for greatness with some fine-tuning. Whether you've got tails and scales, or your metal melts or stays solid, we can all at least stand for a more progressive tomorrow by agreeing that metal rules!

So y'all know heavy metal, thrash metal, speed metal, all the various metals and their family members, but please give solid metal a warm welcome. Here's a nice batch of solid metal hailing from Colombia, but I must say I'm not a fan. In all seriousness, this is atrocious heavy metal nonsense that does everything wrong. The passion is there, I guess, but they are sorely lacking in just about everything that makes a modern heavy metal album really work. Just... just look at the album cover. That's all you need to judge this record.

As for the music though, it's not completely atrocious, but it is terrible on all fronts. Riffs, vocals, bass, the songwriting, everything, to hell with the lot of it. The riffs are barebones and overly simplistic, lacking any drive or punch whatsoever, the drums are competent but also fail to drive the music along, the solos get the job done but nothing more, the bass is just there, and just everything about this screams "we just got out of high school and we want to prove how METAL we are!" (with a cheesy Latin accent, of course). This truly is, to a T, high school metal musicianship. The melodic leads even lack, well, melody, as they try to make overly-simplistic note progressions work as anthemic lead sections. The best thing about the music here may just have to be the drums, because they at least provide a steady beat. However, drums alone cannot save horrifyingly lacklustre riff work and musicianship.

The winner of the shit contest has to go to the vocalist though. He actually tries to sound like a reptile or something, but he cannot pull it off properly, and his faux-badass attitude RUINS whatever likeability this album could have possessed. In addition to this, he curls his thick accent in this awkward manner that stresses the final syllable of each word (think of Hetfields "yaaah" but much more annoying) adding a layer of rotten cheese to an already rather distasteful pile of... "solid metal". There's also a grating set of gang vocals that also try to sound like a lizard (?) but they only clash with the vocals to make things even worse. As if the vocal work was not already bad enough, the lyrics are just about as bad as pizza thrash, if not worse. It can all be summed up in "Wake Up Fool !!!" (yes, spelled just like that, with the space and three exclamation points) which showcases two or three uninspired riffs in addition to the vocalist yelling about how dumb somebody is using terms like "Stupid fucker! Mother fucker!" ad nauseam. Really, this has to be one of the worst set of vocals I've heard on a modern metal album. They are atrocious on all fronts; they only succeed in burying already lacking musicianship.

All in all, this is absolutely terrible, and the only thing keeping it from dropping below the 20% mark would be the consistency of the riffing. The riffs are weak and uninspired, but not absolutely a waste, so that's that. Everything else is just not good. If you'd like a sample of the best song, try "Pagans", but that's still a very below-average metal track, and overall, Solid Metal Rules is an abysmal way for any band to start their career and Reptile desperately need to go back to the drawing board if they want to make things work. I cannot recommend this to anyone, not even the avid fans of the genre. If this is an example of what "solid metal" is, then it certainly does not rule, and is completely forgettable in every way.