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Utter Bullshit - 10%

cetacean, September 19th, 2018

I don't usually do this, but given the premise behind this train wreck of a band, it seems only too appropriate to open this review with a politically incorrect joke...

Latin Student: "What's a phallus?"
Latin Tutor: [unzipping pants] "This."
Latin Student: [skeptical] "So it's like a cock only smaller?"

And in the same vein, when I see this band described as "pink metal," I can't avoid thinking: "so it's like the worst black metal you ever imagined only without any talent or sincerity and an insufferable spirit of mocking self-satisfaction taking the place of both?"

I get that this is supposed to be funny. Really, I do. And I realize that those who go in for the most piss-taking here - people like Islamic terrorists and white ultraconservatives - deserve derision and mockery. Even that there's some legitimacy in appropriating and caricaturing the musical tropes that some individuals in the above camps have utilized to express themselves. All this I grant. But the question at hand is: In the present case, have these efforts produced a worthwhile piece of music?

No. Hell no.

What we have here is a shit platter of distorted and incompetent guitars, boring drums, spastic vocals (q.v.), and lyrics that were probably supposed to be edgy and irreverent but instead come across as so idiotically forced that I feel compelled to convert to Westboro Baptist Church and Isis Islamic Sharia simultaneously purely in hopes of enjoying some adult company.

The only redeeming thing about this album, the only thing that earns it a 10% instead of 0%, are the clean vocals. I actually thought they were sampled/plagiarized at first coming out of nowhere at the end of "Terrorism," but there are other tracks where the same voice follows the music. Which makes this whole affair even more pathetic because it means there's at least one person in this band with legitimate skills, yet they've chosen to waste it on this garbage.

Clean singer whoever you are, dump these losers and do something noble with your talent. Background music for a laxative commercial would be a step up from this artistic diarrhea.

I hate to go tossing pop culture references but again it seems oddly appropriate now. This album is basically the metal equivalent of that episode of "How I Met Your Mother" where Barney gets up on stage and chants the word "moist" for an hour. Was it a clever idea? Maybe. A good way to prove a point? Possibly. Funny that he actually went through with it? Sure, why not. But would you buy the DVD edition to watch on lonely nights and share with your friends when they come over?

If so, you're probably the same metal-challenged person who would listen to this suckfest voluntarily for more than 30 seconds.