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Retarded--Soundtrack to the Church of Fudge - 15%

natrix, July 5th, 2012

I picked this hunk of plastic up because it was advertised as "black metal played with classical instruments," and seemed to be well researched occult material. II felt that I had wasted quite a bit of money when I picked garbage up for about $20. This is a complete failure of an album. Whoever made it should be embarrassed of it. I can't believe he fucking managed to release it, and some label put it out. I would die of shame if I ever recorded such an abortion.

But let's take it for what it is. A piece of occult, atmospheric music. Good? No! Equimanthorn makes this type of music right. As does Ordo Rosario Equilibris, or whatever the fuck they're called. Pazuzu does not.

So let's pick this apart...the most obvious thing is that it was done with keyboards. No, you can't tell me that they composed this using real instruments. If they did, they really fucked up the recording, because it sounds like a damn keyboard, and a cheap one at that.

Listen to "La Baronesse et le Démon." Jolly harpsichord? Oh yes! It sounds like little Lord Flaunteroy running off with his French Princess on a fox hunt! Oh, jolly good times! This is simply too fruity to believe! "Der Mond ward der Erde neue Sonne" is cookie monster vocals so deep and Cookie Monster-esque that they sound like someone making fun of death metal, and goofy sound effects, including drunken song birds and an empty beer bottle.

"Forgotten Scrolls" probably aims to sound like some evil, oriental melody, but instead, it's just a Casio keyboard piano effect and some chick singing in Chinese. But you know, she's probably the most talented person on this dogshit album.

The absolute most hilarious moment has to be "The Urilia Abomination." This is like some Satanic, German porno music. Some chick starts speaking German, then starts making noises like she's being banged by a demon...and the demon, in a lovely Cookie Monster voice plays his part too! Try watching the Church of Fudge while listening to this shit.

The snarling vocals in the beginning of "Invocation of the Fire God" sound like someone farting for a very, very long time. That's enough to ruin the reasonably good atmosphere started with the dark, tribal music.

There are a few moments that would be worth checking out. The instrumental "Churning Seas of Absu" is excellent. Sure, it may sound like the soundtrack for Castlevania, but it's really catchy, dark, and evokes an obscure atmosphere. And "Invocation of the Ninib Gate" is decent, though yes, cheesey and bad. But it feels epic.

The utter shit on here really comes through with the absolutely retarded vocals. Retarded. Seriously retarded. Without them I could give this thing about a 60, because the music is pretty repetitive and unmemorable. It's like someone paused a Castlevania IV for Super NES and started growling shit over it. And normally I can tune out vocals, but this cannot be done here. Luckily, if you've got a sense of humour, And All Was Silent can provide you with over an hour of gut busting laughter.