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Piss - 21%

gasmask_colostomy, March 30th, 2017

When you check the definition of osmosis, you get two different meanings:
1. the tendency of a fluid, usually water, to pass through a semipermeable membrane into a solution where the solvent concentration is higher, thus equalizing the concentrations of materials on either side of the membrane.
2. a subtle or gradual absorption or mingling.

God knows which definition Ozzy was trying to emulate on this album, but needless to say it doesn't go very well unless he was attempting to prove how the liquid urine, here known as piss, soaked through from the toilets in the recording studio and entered the largely solid mixing desk, not only watering down the content of the music but also reducing it to a literal piss-poor effort. This stinks, in a word. Oh, and if the intention was "a subtle or gradual absorption or mingling" with the trends of mid-'90s rock and metal music, Ozzmosis is about as wide of the mark as a blind man who entered a shooting contest while drunk and was spun around 50 times before his first attempt. This is irrelevant, in another word.

The word that really describes Ozzmosis, however, is a much easier concept to understand. This album is boring. It is extremely fucking boring. Sorry, that should be Boring with a capital B. Jesus, how many of these tracks are hitting top marks on the tedium meter? Aside from 'Perry Mason', which is a nice mid-paced number in the same tradition as 'Mr Tinkertrain', the first song to raise any interest at all is 'My Little Man' and that's largely because I keep thinking that Ozzy wrote it about his penis and not, as is more probable, about his son. I mean with lyrics like "Don't you know I love you more than life itself / Don't you know that you're my pride" and "Don't you weep my little man / Go to sleep my little man" it really seems like he's trying to placate a stiffy that is as ill-timed and annoying as most of the songs on here. Other than that moment of wakefulness, 'My Jekyll Doesn't Hide' is a reasonable effort in a heavier vein, while Zakk Wylde plays a few decent solos, particularly the one in 'Old L.A. Tonight'.

But that's it. That's the end of the highlights, and remember that one of them was an accidental comedic highlight about a 68 year-old's dick (though he was only 47 at the time). The rest of the album contains ballads. I shit you not, barring 'Perry Mason' and 'My Jekyll Doesn't Hide', all the other songs are ballads. I know that technically 'Thunder Underground' has guitar riffs in and there are other parts that wouldn't satisfy the dictionary definition of a ballad, but they are all so slow-paced and rely so heavily on mediocre choruses that I can't wake up for the 40 minutes between the two rockers, though I tend to stir slightly when 'Tomorrow' gives a more passionate impression of the vocals. In the first place, that's 8 ballads on a 10 track album; in the second, why the fuck is there such distance between the heavy tracks; in the third, wouldn't it have made sense to shorten most of the songs considerably? The average length sags over five and a half minutes and I'll be damned if I notice half of what goes on during that time. The mid-section from 'Thunder Underground' through to 'Denial' just kills the whole thing and I can't get excited about the minor moments in any them.

There isn't much else to say about Ozzmosis, certainly not about the musical performances, even though Geezer Butler apparently thought it was worthwhile to get back with Ozzy and drop a couple of nice moments on the better tracks. Of all the Ozzy albums, this is probably the worst because it's not exciting, doesn't show any skill, and doesn't even try anything interesting, just settles into a low gear and wastes your time. The following effort Down to Earth was bad and awkward, though at least there was an attempt to make things different by plopping in a few nu metal and groove metal ideas. My advice is to go back to your biology textbooks and learn how actual osmosis works instead of bothering to listen to this.