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He's naked on the cover, that can't be good - 39%

UltraBoris, August 26th, 2002

Why no, you are right, it does make for a completely sucky album! Look, I'm sober!!! Well ya know what, that's really fucking special of you, but if you could finally put out an album that wasn't complete goat crap, I may bother to care!!!

So there are a few good songs on here. "Mister Tinkertrain" is okay, though I have no idea who Mister Tinkertrain is, and why he got such a dorky name. "Hi kids! I'm Mister Tinkertrain, and I like inserting my penis into lawn care equipment, because I'm sexually perplexed!" But anyway - dumb chorus aside, the song has some cool riffs.

Okay yeah the rule for Ozzy albums is, if you ever find a good idea, be sure to immediately discard it, as to make the song not be any good at all, because if you put two good songs in a row on an Ozzy album, then the earth will implode upon itself and we'd all be forced to move to Pluto, and you'd have to share a spaceship with the re-animated corpse of Hitler. It would be that bad. In fact, if the second song, "I Don't Want to Change the World", is merely "horrifyingly bad", make sure the song after that is so abysmally, decrepitly nauseating that it makes bizarre sexual acts between you and a hippopotamus seem like a perfectly good way to pass the time. Ozzy just can't fucking write ballads. And ya know what, neither can Lemmy. That's because Lemmy is in Motorhead, he has no business writing sappy love songs, he's supposed to be tearing up up and bashing people's heads in.

Note: for the sake of our beloved God, please keep him out of the same room as Feces Fecebourne. From now on, that's what I declare. Because "Mama I'm Coming Home" makes getting shat on by an elephant seem pleasant. "Desire" is better, only because it cannot possibly get worse. Then we have the title track, which is pretty damn cool. It's eerie and the vocals don't ruin it too much, and then the solo just owns. Too bad that they made a radio edit of the song, which just has the cheesier parts of the song.

"Sin" sucks. "Hellraiser" is pretty decent, but the Motorhead version is so much cooler, because the Motorhead version is darker and more fucking fucked up, while Ozzy just kinda goes through the motions. "Hellraiser, I'm not one anymore. Hellraiser, I'm retiring at the end of this tour." If ONLY he had kept his word. And especially if ONLY by retiring he meant killing himself so we wouldn't have to put up with him and his cashcow reunions and his dumb TV shows and whatever. Dude, your fifteen minutes of fame are up. About 74 times in a row now. Die, already!

Then another ballad. You know what, I'll be nice and diplomatic and not make fun of this song. Wait, I'm kidding, it's the sonic equivalent of a battery-acid enema. "Zombie Stomp" is not bad, but the lyrics don't make any fucking sense. Zombies don't stomp, they eat the living. Kinda catchy chorus, but still. Then "AVH", whatever it stands for, is not bad, but of course, the last song is a mega-shit ballad, again. Yes, that's the equivalent of a million turds, it's that bad.

So what we have here is Ozzy cleaning up his act and turning into a total fucking poseur. I mean if he wasn't one already, he's in fact not even a poseur anymore, he's a loser that merely wants to be a poseur. The aggression of the songs is completely missing - most of this album can barely be called metal. Plus, if it turns out he wasn't wearing any pants during the album cover photo shoot, I wouldn't be surprised.