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Ozzy Osbourne > Bark at the Moon > Reviews > UltraBoris
Ozzy Osbourne - Bark at the Moon

You cannot possibly expect this to rule - 52%

UltraBoris, August 26th, 2002

I mean, Randy is gone. The only member of the band that really kicked any amount of ass - well, other than Don Airey but poor Don was completely underused. So now they have in his place Jake E. Lee. He's not bad, he really isn't, he shreds like his balls are on fire, and... well, the problem is, he shreds like his balls are on fire. He'll play any note or thirty just to play SOMETHING. His solos are haphazardly constructed and sometimes just don't make any fucking sense. Even the best one on here, for instance the title track, it's a typical Judas Priest style speed metal solo, except it throws in practically every guitar technique ever in he history of man, with no attention to rhyme or reason.

That's really the only song on here worth the attention. The songwriting quality definitely decreased, and while the riffs improved slightly, most everything remains pretty boring. "You're No Different" - typical Ozzy song, sucks ass. "Now You See it Now You Don't" is kinda cool, if it weren't for the irritating keyboard moments for no reason and the distracting "oof! argh!" section at the end. No, I'm not making that up.

"Rock and Roll Rebel". Right. Rock and Roll snoozefest. "Centre of Eternity" has some great fucking speed metal riffs and the most irritating chorus ever in the history of existence. Didn't I chant something like that at the dumb kid in 2nd grade as I played keepaway with his hat? "Neener neener neener." Probably doesn't help the fact that the vocalist is the single worst affront to the power of the human larynx since Tiny Tim.

"So Tired". My God, you're right!! In fact, I'm positively asleep. "Slow Down" - okay okay, why don't you speed up and play some fucking riffs and I'll consider it. "Waiting for Darkness" - well you know what, the bogey man really does get people in the night, but some things are too whiney even for him. "Bonus tracks in the night" - really gratuitous, and it doesn't make a whit of difference either way if this song exists or not.

Yes kids, heavy metal can be pretty damn crappy. If my mom caught me listening to this, I'd well deserve a good punishment.