Bastards

By my calculations, Motörhead released three half-assed albums up until this point. For those keeping count at home, that's one and a half asses. While Iron Fist and Rock 'n' Roll were plagued by internal dispute and jaded complacency, March ör Die was plagued by suck. So on the face of it, Bastards serves its purpose as a rebound rather nicely. Bad-boy riffs are in spades, with a pungent bar brawler attitude that celebrates their own legacy, rather than double-down on the commercialized frolicking of its predecessor. However, much like my internet history, there are some massive buts here.

Bastards gets off to a rip-roaring start with 'On Your Feet Or On Your Knees' and 'Burner', the latter being one of the band's fastest-ever tracks. From one extreme to another, 'Lost in the Ozone' is a slow, stifling hot cruiser fortified by twanging bass leads that sound authentically lo-fi and moody, bound to remind listeners of the glorious Bombers. Even when Bastards sounds more modernistic, 'Devils' still doesn't sound hypermarketed and contrived, instead menacing with its blackguard grooves, which likely served as inspiration for the likes of Rob Zombie et al. Lastly, 'Born to Raise Hell' is a marked improvement over 'Hellraiser', in terms of moseying dad-rock earworms in metal's clothing.

But then there's the most grievous tonal shift in the history of man-made music: 'Don't Let Daddy Kiss Me'. Recently I saw someone on Reddit saying this track wasn't made for repeated listens, which I think is a diplomatic way of saying "We all must suffer through it once". It's a sleepwalking fever dream of a ballad that seems oddly similar to Seventh Angel's 'No Longer a Child', even right down to praying to God for help, and getting a 404 Error in response. Lyrically, both tracks are very good at conveying the unmitigated horror of paternal abuse. The major difference is, Seventh Angel's next track is 'Full of Blackness', describing an abused youth surrendering to depression, while Motörhead's next track is 'Bad Woman'.

(Also detracting from Motörhead's authenticity is their 1992 live album, named after everyone's favorite Ace of Spades tune: Jailbait. That hasn't aged well, pardon the pun.)

Subject matter aside, 'Daddy' and 'Bad Woman' don't offer much musically. You'd think the former would be an easy act to follow, but 'Bad Woman' is a dying sea slug, dragged through a salty mire of tired boogie riffs and an unparsable solo. If you're wondering what AI-generated Motörhead would sound like, there's your answer. 'We Bring the Shake' is similarly stunted and seldom spoken of, owing to its mechanized, ungainly recital of do-nothing riffs.

I liken Bastards to Saxon's 90's comeback attempt Forever Free, right down to its questionable inclusions like 'Can't Stop Rockin' and 'Just Wanna Make Love To You'. It's also most similar to their own Rock 'n' Roll, but with much of its switchblade-brandishing grime pressure-washed off. Bastards is still decent, especially when considering its context, and it definitely has its moments... But some of those moments inspire dreadful astonishment and nausea. Sorta like Guilty Gear, or the Buffalo Bills.