Metal Heads

I couldn't pass on the opportunity to hear, and subsequently write about, an album entitled Metalheads by a band called...Metall (no, not a typo. Yes, a fucking awful pun). Once my mind overcame the astonishing creativity, my eyes then had to grow accustomed to the most imaginative album artwork since Annihilator released Metal in 2007. I swear, by the time this review is finished, I will be sick of the word 'metal'. Interestingly, this German quartet released a demo back in the late 1980s - then completely disappeared, deciding that 2017 was the year that traditional heavy metal needed to make a return in the most generic way possible.

What better way to kick off Metalheads by Metall, than with a song called "Metalheads" and the sound of actual metal? Yes, as if you weren't already feeling like you've absorbed iron into your blood through some sort of visual osmosis - Metall are sure to hammer it into you by opening this LP with a sample of clanging hammers and anvils. Hilariously, the sample begins out of time with the subsequent riff; almost like an omen to the general dysfunction that follows. The production quality is not a problem. The guitar tone is suitably beefy, the drums are snappy and genuine, the bass is metallic and always audible, and the vocals are mixed very well - in front of the wall of sound, but still very much a part of the band. No, production is not the issue. It's the actual performance of the musicians that proves troublesome.

As the double-kick struggles to get going in the opening track, it's clear that drummer Marko Thäle isn't entirely comfortable. Hell, in the thrashed-up outro of "Imperium", it becomes obvious why the majority of songs on this album are restrained to a dull mid-tempo. Vocalist Joél Stieve-Dawe causes a variety of issues - no more blatant than in the aforementioned song. After a minute of genuinely enjoyable and hefty riffage, he pierces through the sonority with the most hideously misplaced falsetto this side of Painkiller. Every time he attempts a high-pitched shriek (and believe me, it's far too often), it's painfully bad, and confirms that he should stay in his admirable mid-range, comfortably executed on "Wrath", easily the best track on the album. However, let's say nothing about his awkward low growls in "Fly". Speaking of that track, the opening guitar licks are so flat, I involuntarily yelled 'TUNING!' with a frown...something I should never have to do for a signed band

The core of this album sucks the life out of the whole affair, because it's all rooted in a bland medium tempo. By the time "Glory" lifelessly limps into 'action', I'm ready to snap the disc after being subjected to the sheer tedium of the track that precedes it. Seriously, if there's any track on this record that didn't need to be over six minutes, it's "Riding On The Storm". Containing the single most boring riff of the year (which by god they seem to be proud of!), and taking over a minute to get started - it takes a marathon mind to get through it. There are some legitimately enjoyable moments on Metalheads, but they're engulfed by the swamp of mediocrity that surrounds them. If you can be bothered to trudge through some of the most drab song structures and badly-executed ideas, then you are a true metal warrior - and may the spirit of metal flow through your iron veins like liquid steel...or some shit like that. Only recommended for sadistic Manowar fans.

Originally written for www.metal-observer.com