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No, I won't forgive you! (Chamber-pot Music) - 18%

Sean16, September 30th, 2007

Granted, this recording had everything it needed to be loved. First it shows one of the most kitsch covers I’ve ever seen, and the Gods know how many of those I’ve seen (knowing I’m a big Viking metal fan, you can figure it out). Then it belongs to a genre, usually described as dark/gothic metal, in which the vast majority of releases show as many artistic qualities as a chamberpot – and I’m not saying an urinal, as Marcel Duchamp has proved us an urinal does actually SHOW artistic qualities. Furthermore inside of said genre it doesn’t even display a single bit of originality, and eventually it’s overall very poorly done. I only lent it an ear not because I’m an incurable chamberpots collector, but because Markize has been co-founded by a guy who played (for a quite short amount of time) in the doom metal act Anthemon I’ve been considering one of the best French band for years. What doesn’t imply everything related to Anthemon has to be good, here’s the living example.

I however may still find a small superiority of Markize on, let’s say Suckin’ Temptation which only merit is to serve as the standard of female-fronted pseudo-symphonic emptiness (hum, “chamberpots” is definitely shorter); it’s one doesn’t have to dig with a sustained attention to excavate the guitars. Hence the band can still remotely qualify as metal, and not only symphonic pop (pot?) garbage. Just note I haven’t mentioned any riff or solo, I’ve just written about guitars, not about what they played because this is already far harder to determine. Who cares? They just obviously serve as a pretext for adding more piss in the pot, in other words keyboards and orchestrations.

The drums would be the least bad part weren’t they outrageously triggered. The drummer is, precisely, the guy who once played with Anthemon and, what a surprise, he seems to be the only musician here who hasn’t usurped this name. Drumming lines unquestionably sound like metal drumming lines, not pop/rock ones, in other words they manage to show some inventiveness, and this album is otherwise in desperate need of any inventiveness. But wait, I ask my metal to sound human. Seriously, weren’t those deafening orchestrations, electronics and effects already more than enough? Couldn’t you let poor drummer alone, rather than disfiguring the only remotely genuine element remaining with these odious triggers?

And here comes the neuralgic point... The shapeless guitars, the artifice, the outrageously modern sound, all those are delightful compared to the vocals. It’s not even the average pop vocalist who tops 80% of bands from the same pot (yes, it's intentional, also note the pop/top/pot thing, it's really fascinating), it’s worse. Frankly, the fact some people could still complain about Nightwish vocals is beyond me. Certainly they haven’t listened to this, or to Headline, which is the band Markize is sharing the most common points with (when it comes to vocals only). Why should the worst of the worst female singers always come from my very own country? This one can sing in French, English or even Russian, it’s still equally poetic, distinguished and tasteful, so much I’m at loss for words to describe it more accurately. I could once again refer to a certain object, but let’s admit this chick sounds like a chamberpot would be a metaphor in the purest surrealist tradition. However the only other image springing to my mind would me my ex-girlfriend having her clit scratched by an angry lobotomized squirrel, with occasionally the squirrel’s shrieks mingling with hers. Inept? This release itself is inept to begin with.

Actually what’s striking me the most is every time I’m saying something about this kind of acts (though this one is likely to be the last) I’m exactly saying the same thing, what forces me to introduce some both silly and unexpected domestic objects in a desperate try to personalize it a bit. Even the following line I’m pretty sure I’ve already written before: that the most interesting moments are the piano parts, but they are quite scarce, given every time the vocalist comes in she ominously kills every timid attempt at music.

For those who aren’t lucky enough to understand French the title of the eighth track means “forgive me”... To conclude I’ll just send you back to the title of this insipid text.

Highlights: when you’re putting some Skyclad instead