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Speed the fuck up goddamnit! - 42%

Xpert74, February 25th, 2006

I swear, this album is way too fucking midpaced and repetitive for its own good. The songs tend to just drone on and on, with the drums never going beyond “bass – snare – bass – snare” speed aside from Red Hot, which brings in slightly faster double-bass. Listening to this album from song to song to song, reminds me of the dreaded time I was forced to listen to Linkin Park’s Meteora. Granted, I’ll give it that this album is not as repetitive as Linkin Park, nor as horrible, but it’s still not all that good either. Even for its time this isn’t all that fast. Judas Priest, Venom, Diamond Head and even Quiet Riot were faster than this! Now before you go and think I only want fast as fuck Grind or whatever, I don’t mind midpaced stuff, as long as it is interesting enough, and doesn’t take precedence over an entire album. This album fails in that regard, just like Metallica’s Seek & Destroy. This album is basically Seek & Destroy made long enough to be an entire album, with Red Hot being the one short fast part.

First up after the intro is Shout At The Devil. From how I had heard everyone talk about this song, I was expecting some really fast Heavy Metal song, but I instead got an extremely dull song that is barely even Metal at all. A really weak riff set dominates this, along with annoying falsetto vocals and the plodding drum beat. Following this is Looks That Kill, which would be good if it didn’t stay at the same speed for 4 fucking minutes. This is almost like background music; fitting for a movie where there’s some scene in an ‘80s Rock bar, but to just listen to this song by itself is agony. By the end of the song I’m itching to turn this off and throw on some Stained Class, but then I see the next song is called “Bastard”, so I expect a more aggressive song. A fading-in drum solo starts this off, then a riff that’s probably the fastest so far comes in, yet it’s still only in the faster range of midpaced. Then the verses come in, and the guitars drop out at points. The song gets slightly faster at a couple points, but is still kind of boring. Then there’s yet another fade-out. That’s 3 fade-outs so far, for 3 songs, and just before all the fade-outs, the drums start doing double-bass. It’s as if these guys think that double-bass is supposed to indicate the song is over.

God Bless The Children Of The Beast comes on, and it’s basically an interlude track, kind of similar to the intro. Then comes in Helter Skelter, which is a Beatles cover, and again is still midpaced. ARGH!! It fits in with the rest of the songs on the album so it doesn’t sound out of place or anything, but in this case that’s a bad thing. Next up is Red Hot. Finally, things get faster! This song has a couple of slower riffs, but enough faster chugging riffs, along with a nice solo section, and this is pretty decent overall, along with the fact it ends without a fade-out! Too Young To Fall In Love follows this, and this is midpaced again, yet this is actually pretty damn good. It’s one of the singles off the album, and it serves its purpose; it’s nice and catchy, without sounding boring or annoying. Unfortunately, Knock ‘Em Dead, Kid starts the suckage again. It’s very repetitive, and is just blah, like most of the album. At least it doesn’t fade out like nearly every song here. Then Motley Crue plays the song over again under the title “Ten Seconds To Love”. It’s about as easy to tell these two songs apart as it is to tell two Von songs apart. Ending the album is Danger, which is kind of a power ballad, with some synths brought in. This song is good, partly because it stands out from the rest of the album, although I don’t really like the way Vince Neil sings “danger” in the chorus, like “dayyn-jurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!” in kind of a muted way. Then the song ends with no fade-out.

If you have the re-released version of the album, then you’ll get to hear demo versions of Shout At The Devil, Looks That Kill, Too Young To Fall In Love, and Hotter Than Hell (which would later be redone as “Louder Than Hell”). You also get an unreleased song, I Will Survive. None of these bonus tracks are all that special, although I Will Survive would stand out somewhat even if it were included in the original version of the album, especially with that freaky ending to the song. The lyrics on this album are pretty much the typical Glam Metal fare, with songs about Hollywood, sex and girls. There’re a couple of pseudo-Satanic moments, but those don’t really take precedence over the album, though one might be led to believe that based on the imagery the band uses (pentagrams and fire, mixed in with the Glam look of the band, who look like a bunch of flat-chested girls).

So overall, should you get this? I say no, but if you think Iron Maiden is way too fucking fast to be enjoyed by any normal human being, then this might be your thing. This is also important for collectors and people who want to have albums for their historical importance, or anything related. Otherwise, this album really only has a few good songs (Red Hot, Too Young To Fall In Love and Danger), along with a bunch of mediocre songs that all run together. If you’re looking for some early Glam Metal that doesn’t all sound the same, then look elsewhere.