Csejte Vára...

Yesterday I was reading raspberrysoda's latest critique of his favorite punching bag: Count Orlok. After reading a handful of such reviews, curiosity got the best of me and I decided to give this hated and needlessly prolific artist a shot.

Boy, was that a mistake. A glance at this 1-song EP reveals the portrait of a musician inept in virtually every way. First off, my colleague's assertion that everything Orlok has ever released is based solely on one part of Hellhammer's 'Massacra' is at least 110 percent correct if this song is truly representative of his needlessly expansive body of work. ‘Csejte Vára…’ is based entirely on one extremely basic idea that would have been considered rote and dull in 1985 when this whole genre was still in its infancy. Oh, and it’s 16 fucking minutes long.

‘Csejte Vára...' drones on and on, its drums having no punch at all, partly because the production castrates them and partly because the unchanging pattern they play is more simplistic and repetitive than most hip-hop drum beats. The guitar plays a slow rhythm that never fucking changes. Maybe the lower speed is supposed to render a sense of dread in the listener but it just sounds like an attempt at black metal by a guy who started playing instruments a few weeks ago. This album doesn't contain your standard black metal shrieking, opting instead for something that sounds like narration every four minutes or so. Even this isn't done correctly because it's so low in the mix you can barely hear it.

Not only is this song extremely monotonous but Orlok doesn't even play it with conviction or enthusiasm. The song itself seems to know how lame it is, with the guitars buzzing lifelessly, not even asking you to pay attention, and the drums sleepwalking through a pattern that’s preschool basic. Occasionally, Orlok will do what I think is supposed to be a fill but even these are so weak and slow that they just sound like slight deviations from the beat.

My expectations for this release were so low they were burning up in the Earth's molten core and I’m sad to say that ‘Csejte Vára…’ was no better than anticipated. The spooky atmosphere is somewhat effective at first but then the song erases what little value it has by droning on endlessly. The three or four other Count Orlok songs I’ve bothered to listen to are built the exact same way, with just one idea being beaten to death and then being beaten some more but at least those songs were compassionate enough to be less than half the length of this monstrosity.

I was walking to my friend's house a couple days ago and my phone's music playlist was on shuffle. Suddenly, Hellhammer's song "Massacra" came on and I gave it a shot because I haven't listened to it in ages. As the middle section came on, it featured a constant d-beat, accompanied by a one/two note tremolo riff and a raw production. I was shocked. And why is that you ask?

Because Cunt fucking Orlok's entire musical career is based on those few minutes alone. I shit you not.

Except for the ever-so-slight lyrical and overall aesthetics (hey look! Instead of fake Norwegian he now uses fake Hungarian! How KVLTASTIC!) and borrowed album covers, his music is based on the same section of Hellhammer's song, but instead of sounding raw, grimy and overall badass it sounds so weak and fake that it makes Emmure sound like Demilich compared to him in terms of musical complexity. This entire damn song (16 minutes in a row of Count Orlok? oh boy) is based on one riff, drum beat, and the shitty vocals and production that characterizes Count Orlok's entire musical history. Even the lyrics here suck. They're based on a very unclear "edgy" theme which provides some very laughable moments, such as:

"Drink the keys of forever" (How can one exactly drink a key? This sucks, even as a metaphor)
"And the crying winds howling my name." (The only thing that will ever howl Cunt Orlok's name apparently)

This EP/song goes NOWHERE in terms of content, because of the misused and overused repetition in the song. As said before, repetitive black metal isn't a bad thing at all, but only when used correctly- this guy here thinks he's Roman Saenko or Varg Vikernes in terms of creativity. Guess what. He isn't. In fact, I could've just posted my previous Cunt Orlok "side projects" reviews and they will still describe the music perfectly, but with a few aesthetic-relate changes only. I never thought that black metal would've ever gotten this bland and boring. Humanity will benefit from this slab of utter crap only if it would've evaporated off the face of the earth.

A 0% is a much higher score than this truly deserves, because this shit deserves nothing. Nothing, like the effort, passion, or credibility of this "sonic" torment. Avoid this.