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Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! - 0%

zeingard, April 16th, 2009

To even fathom reviewing 'Hordes of Chaos' fairly, I have to play a little game in which I pretend that this is Kreator's first album ever. That is the only way that this review will end up with more than "This is sucks because it's not 'Pleasure to Kill'" copy-pasted for about 50 page lengths. Don't let this instil you with false hope however because even in the context of the present, 'Hordes of Chaos' is an atrocious album regardless of the band who happened upon those instruments and managed to produce the sequence of notes, beats and vocals I've been subjected to.

I'm not going to use the "s word" because frankly, the sound present on 'Hordes of Chaos' is simply an further devolution of that which was present on 'Enemy of God'; an album which was yet more proof that 80's thrash band come backs are the physical equivalent of receiving a cleveland steamer from a sweaty, overweight bloke who just came back from twelve hours at an all-you-can-eat mexican buffet.

For all intents and purposes 'Hordes of Chaos' is basically a melodic death metal album that flirts with modern influences. Despite my frequent dismissal of melodic death metal, it is not a completely disposable genre; though certainly not from a lack of trying. Unfortunately Kreator can be lumped in with the majority of bands who have gleefully driven the genre so forcefully into the ground they've made it to China twice. Kreator haven't crossed over into the cock-swilling keyboard-ery of Dark Tranquillity and similar gothenburg contemporaries but basically write a whole bunch of fast, pseudo-thrash riffs à la Blood Tsunami, 'Virus'-era Hypocrisy and mid-era In Flames. The main riff to "Destroy What Destroys You" is probably the only one I remember if by virtue of being the slowest and the only riff that didn't remind me of the aforementioned bands; it's still awful though.

Because variation is the instant ticket to awesome song writing Kreator will throw in a pretty melody line or guitar harmony somewhere in their songs; usually in the chorus or as a bridge. This happens in every song without fail and is about as impressive as my most recent bowel movement; they're all fairly average, inoffensive and are particularly reminiscent of Darkest Hour and similar bands that forever smudge the chalk line between melodic death metal and metalcore with their converse sneakers. Although "To the After Burn" is the biggest offender in this field with at least half the song being composed of melodies that were cut from 'Whoracle' for being too insipid and effeminate.

Now as it stands from the descriptions thus far, 'Hordes of Chaos' doesn't sound completely awful; pedestrian and uninspired surely but not worthy of complete scorn and having Mille cursed to an eternity of damnation working in Pauline Hanson's fish and chip shop. Listening to generic riff after generic riff is bearable if not boring but Kreator are like a small child forced to sit through a three-hour lecture on the importance of statistical mechanics in the field of advanced prediction of fluid properties and thus they fidget excessively, throwing in stupid ideas that are head-shakingly pathetic and loathsome. In the previous paragraph I can name at one stand out track that exemplifies the problems exhibited by this album but choosing the worst section is truly an impossible task; I may as well try and decide whether I'd rather be fucked by an alligator or a crocodile. "Amok Run" is quite notorious, managing to not only to have a boring, acoustic opening with Mille doing clean-ish vocals but also for having an awful transition from a fast riff into similar slow, clean section with a half-assed melodic solo that wouldn't sound out of place on 'Ascendancy'. "Absolute Misanthropy" takes second place for the worst song title on the album (first place being "Amok Run") but also has Mille semi-whispering over a breakdown in a fashion not unlike Dolving on 'The Dead Eye'.

Actually all the breakdowns on 'Hordes of Chaos' are cringe-inducingly awful and while they never descend into a Parkway Drive style chug (although the title track comes disturbingly close at moments) they usually throw in some superfluous elements in a sad attempt to hide the fact that the song writing department is phoning it in, like typing a bunch of cats together and saying it's a cow. "Radical Resistance" is a great example with some atrociously repetitive lead work over the top or the flood of double kicks obscuring the breakdown like in "Warcurse".

Despite trying to avoid thinking about Kreator's past, it's inevitable that I'd give up at some point in this review and face the fact that they once wrote some excellent thrash metal albums back in the 80's. Now it's unfair to tell Kreator to make 'Pleasure to Kill' or 'Coma of Souls' five billion times over (not that this would be a bad thing mind you) and that a band expanding their style can be a rewarding experience and more importantly can prove that they have song writing talents that extend far beyond what the listener previously thought they were capable of. However this does not mean that Kreator can go about writing utter fucking pig swill like 'Hordes of Chaos' and expect accolades because they're simply doing something different from what they previously had done. 'Hordes of Chaos' is not innovative nor is it an evolution of their sound; it is the death rattle of a band who is desperately clawing at any genre that is popular in the current metal scene and hastily stitching together whatever chunks they've managed to obtain in a vain attempt to keep afloat and stay relevant.

To be apt; 'Hordes of Chaos' is the musical equivalent of dick/ovarian (choose where applicable) cancer. Destroy on sight.