The Glorious Burden

I had actually been kinda looking forward to this album... while Schaffer's riffage tank has been depleted since 1995, there is the draw of the album having one of my favourite vocalists of all time on it. I may be the only person on the planet that likes Tim Owens, and thinks he did an awesome job in Priest, but hey, I'm entitled to my opinion, so suck my shit. And all the people that think Barlow is what defined the band... fuck no. It was Greely's job to lose, and I'm still pissed-ah off-ah that Barlow-ah got to spend 9 years in the band. Nazi punks fuck off, and self-righteous Schaffer too, because despite the lack of Matthew-ah, it's still the same old Iced Earth.

Indeed, IS it any good? Fuck no. Let's get that right the fuck out of the way right now. If you want another Stormrider, go to the store and pick up the Iced Earth LP called 'Night of the Stormrider', and then you'll have two copies, and that's the best you're gonna do. Sorry. This album is mediocre, uninspired, and filled with shitty ballads. In other words, it's an Iced Earth release. It just kinda happens to have Tim Owens on vocals, but in the end that is kinda incidental.

To start things off, we have the controversial Star Spangled Banner. Let me say, that if you want to suck Uncle Sam's cock, that is entirely your decision, and I am not so anarchist/leftist that I'll take points off for it. But I will take off points for the random drums and the uninspired guitar playing. Hendrix at Monterey, this not.

Then, there is the slow plodding riffage of Declaration Day. In fact, I count precisely one riff, other than the noodling melodic line that keeps swirling around. This is more You've Got Another Thing Coming than Painkiller, and I have no idea how Schaffer allowed his triplets to get so buried in the mix. Then there is the really cheesy chorus, with the weak background vocals. Tim Owens is of course on top of his game - he snarls and shrieks like the Ripper we've grown to love (tolerate, despise, fill in your appropriate adjective). But the song is far the fuck too long, and far too slow and attempted-epic without actually being epic.

We go on to When The Eagle Cries, which continues the proud tradition of completely worthless Schaffer ballads. Look, the kid fell off his motorcycle, get over it. He'd be happy if you honoured him by writing another Pure Evil or six (speaking of Pure Evil, is anyone else fucking stoked to hopefully have that be part of the live setlist... Owens screaming 'PUUUUREEEE!!! EEVIILLL!!!!' Oh man, if I were gay, I'd be sucking his cock now. Hell, I'm not even gay but I'll consider switching for that one night if the setlist contains a lot of classics). But yeah, enough of a tangent. THIS song is not classic.

Next up, The Reckoning, which is the first song randomly released as a promo, so I've been rather familiar with it. It sounds a bit more like Painkiller, but it's about as Painkiller as Primal Fear, in that the whole thing is somewhat uninspired. Yes, Schaffer throws in some thrash riffing, but there is the over-echoed choral vocals which just reek of stupidity, and the extra-fast double-bass which overshadows the riffs. But man, the vocals... yeah it's not often that a vocalist is the highlight of a metal album, and that unfortunately is going to cost them MORE points. There's the randomly thrown in middle section which again serves to highlight Owens's vocals but does nothing to bring back memories of Colors or whatnot.

Greenface... now there's a real fucking thrash riff to start things off. As opposed to the usual triplet-styled riff pattern, there is actual headbangage to be found. Unfortunately, then the drum flurries come in, and Schaffer loses all creativity. Under the verses, you really cannot make out what is going on guitar-wise - it's all kind of a blob. Oh yes and the chorus is complete shit. It's like they took a book from Extra Shrieks by Anal Cunt's Seth Putnam (Pantera "Great Southern Trendkill") and went wackjob wild on the mixing board. Look, extra shrieks by Tim Owens. Hooray. You can do bad things with a good voice: just ask poor Ralf Scheepers. The rest of the song kinda plods along at the Usual Pace - is it just me or does Schaffer play triplets at precisely one speed?

Attila has a little melodic intro that sounds completely off-key, actually. It's a bit reminiscent of Virgin Steele's "Burning of Rome" except the notes are all fucking wrong and there are random vocal tracks where there should be no random vocal tracks. Then, when the song kicks in, it's MORE OF THE SAME. Oh bejeezus, isn't this what I was talking about before? Schaffer pretty much plays at one speed. I'm not sure who put Iced Earth on top of the trash-heap that is modern metal... maybe it was Greely and Schaffer when one was in the band and the other was full of ideas, but nowadays, Iced Earth are completely mediocre, and I have no idea why they are claimed as the kings. Then again, this is the industry that thinks Dimmu Borgir is a Good Idea, so what the fuck do they know? Oh yeah the drums are far the fuck too loud, and every once in a while the riffs are completely buried... but the song does feature the only random vocal track is kinda cool. It sounds like Helloween's "A Game We Shouldn't Play" more than anything else, and it is cute in its own way. Too bad Schaffer's idea of an awesome riff is to play the same note over and over again.

Then, we have Red Baron/Blue Max. This song was co-authored by Owens, apparently, and you know what, maybe two heads are better than one, but the fact that they ride that nifty intro riff into the ground, and mix Owens's vocals far too loud into the sound - oh yes, and come up with lyrical genius works like "his name bestowed by a Holy Ro-MAAANN" (way to look up the pronounciation in the dictionary, dork). Oh yes, and Richthofen could go up to a whole 103mph, so at least that historical bit is accurate, but if you're going to cite performance statistics, throw in something about that incredible climb rate of a triplane. Oh yes, and it is not proven whether it was Australian anti-aircraft gunners got him, or Roy Brown. Pretty much it was (as war tends to be) a complete fucking freeforall, and someone plugged the poor bastard. That's your historical lesson for today, kids.

Next, Hollow Man. Shitty ballad. Eat my balls, Schaffer. NEXT!

Valley Forge - for the first two minutes we get another shitty ballad, and then we get generic riffage that does hardly anything, at the Usual Prescribed Schaffer Speed - speed at night, this guy does not. This is where the album starts to get really really dragging, as though the first half was even all that tolerable.

Waterloo... this is apparently some sort of track that appears only in Europe, replaced by Greenface in the U.S. It's not like there isn't all that much of a difference. There's the general midpaced crunch riffing, the endless noodling of "melodic" guitars, and Owens's over-the-top vocal performance being wasted on a mediocre song. Oh yes, the production is really shitty as well - it's actually perfectly good technically, but it is the cream of the crop of 2004 styled production, meaning that the shrieking heavy fucking metal days of Painkiller and Ample Destruction and Stained Class and even Night of the Stormrider are just fucking gone, kids. We got about 20 years of classic shit, so I suppose our penance is seven times 20 years of this kind of insipid drivel, with only a few bands carrying the flag of classic fucking metal. And no, Iced Earth is not one of them. Try Metalucifer, who do not feel the need to employ a double-bass abusing asshole behind the kit, instead choosing to fill their soundscape with fucking riffs. I mean yes, Waterloo has that riff interlude (it kinda sucks when I have to specifically point that out) but it's just a generic Schaffer "look, I listened to the Number of the Beast more than once" gallop, followed by a vocals interlude, etc etc.

Okay then there's an acoustic Eagle. The intro this time sounds a bit like Pale Shelter (Heretic) but nowhere near as coherent and well-done, and then we go into the usual insipid dreck that we were forced to listen to on track three. "Mayor Quimby, elections next month." WHAT, AGAIN!!?!?

Then there is the 30 minute long song. First, we get YET ANOTHER rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Because Schaffer may be patriotic, but he sure isn't very creative. Though later he does change things up by pulling out Battle Hymn of the Republic. Overall, there are a lot of instrumental passages consisting of a lot of instruments, with some being far better than others. It just makes sense that some pieces of middle-1800s American music go better with heavy metal stylings, than do others. Every once in a while, there is a real winner of a passage, and even overall the song is decently enjoyable. In fact, the worst parts are the kinda pedestrial vocal moments, especially the fact that they felt the need to mix in an Owens shriek far too often, to go with the usual chorus vocals. Oh yeah, and I swear Schaffer sounds like Barlow at times. I have no idea why Owens didn't get all the vocal roles, because you can definitely hear the drop-off in quality. Sometimes the song is too epic and unwieldy for its own good, but the fact is, it's the best half-hour on the album. There are the quiet moments which tend to hardly ever work on an Iced Earth album, but there are also some decent riffs, and the fact is, the Standard Schaffer Pace works well as a military march. Best of all, the drummer employs standard patterns, as opposed to irritating-as-fuck flowercore double-bass disasters. But, it is a half a fucking hour long. Maybe if it were just 17 minutes it would be brilliant - this way it's merely okay.

So then, what the fuck, when all is said and done? Yet another fucking Iced Earth album, that's what. Here's a band that should just not be putting out album after album, because they clearly lack the ideas - especially Schaffer. If you like the modern Iced Earth shit, you'll probably like this one too. There aren't nearly as many stupid ballads as on, for example, Something Wicked, but they still are there. And the riffage has hit a new high in lows, with that damned drummer doing far the fuck too much for no apparent reason. So yeah, it sucks cock.