The Glorious Burden

Making shitty music since the end of "Horror Show"! With a whole new line-up comprised of talented musicians and cringe worthy lyrics about the greatness of the USA and its people, Iced Earth's newest album is nothing but worthless crap! Surely it is not their newest album, but for marketing sake, let's pretend it is! After all, new stuff sells more than old stuff, and seeing how "The Glorious Burden" is a shameless cash grab, it must be treated as something brand new! Of course, even if it was still 2004 and this album had been released yesterday, the unoriginal and clichéd songs herein contained would sound dated nevertheless, but who cares, originality doesn’t sell, only derivative stuff does, and it hardly gets more banal than this! As previously mentioned, the musicians are talented, but not even an outstanding drummer like Richard Christy or a capable bassist like James Macdonough can save the dull compositions by Jon Schaffer, our hero. Dull indeed, because music hardly gets more tedious than “The Reckoning” or monotonous than “When the Eagle Cries”. But who cares, there are many ballads and flowery choruses on this album, and that sells! And if it sells, quality must be ignored!

Schaffer’s trademark triplets are to be found here, there and everywhere, polluting all of the scarce positive moments with a distinct lack of creativity! Let’s take a look at the basis for all his riffs on this album: “tr-tr-tr—tr-tr-tr—trt-tr-tr—tr-tr-tr”. Occasionally our great master Schaffer varies by doing something in the lines of “tr-tr—tr-tr-tr—tr-tr—tr-tr-tr-tr”. On some rare circumstances he tries a different riff, and by different, I mean the not-a-triplet-but-still-uninspired kind of riff. All the solos are simple, short and easy to digest, which is a good thing, since that way it sells more! Everything here is catchy and memorable, perhaps too memorable. It is one thing to be “captivating” and it is a different thing to be simply “catchy”. The earlier manages to be both enjoyable and respectable, whereas the latter is forgettable and appealing only for one or two listens. And that is what “The Glorious Burden” is: pleasing music that rapidly wears off. But hey, that is good! That way, this album can sell a truckload of copies and be quickly forgotten, so another insipid album can quickly replace it and sell more copies! The formula of success, it seems, and apparently Schaffer noticed that, since the two albums that followed this are even blander. Good for him, it sells more copies. Good for the masses too. But is it good for fans of this once great band? Hell no, but who cares about them? They are nothing but some fat elitists incapable of appreciating anything more than the fierce riff-o-rama of “Night of the Stormrider” or the dark, crushing atmosphere of “Burnt Offerings”. Fuck them! They are in the way of progress! After all, that is what progress is all about: selling more copies! Or at least Jon Schaffer seems to think that way, as his dislike for “Burnt Offering” and love for this pretentious crap indicates. Indeed, his true nature has finally been revealed. Riff monster? No, more like ball less wimp. Not many things scream “Sell-out!” more than flowery choruses repeated ad-nauseam. It was the case with Metallica; it is the case with Iced Earth. But hey, Metallica sold many copies, why can’t Iced Earth? “Because they are a better band” would be the normal answer, but since Jon Schaffer has clearly lost his mind, I truly cannot tell. Well, as long as sales go, things worked out pretty well, since this is the IE album that sold the most. And that is a good thing, right? Ok, not really, but so what? Schaffer is happy with this shit, and so are many people.

Not all is crap, though. The production is pristine, and every single instrument can be heard. There is no real strength or power, just an annoyingly inoffensive guitar tone, but again, it sells more copies. None of the songs is offensively horrible, or anything like that, but everything is so innocuous and safe, it becomes irritating. The vocals, by Tim “Ripper” Owens, are not bad. In fact, he is a ridiculously talented singer, yet he too fails to do anything worthwhile. His high-pitched screams would be awesome anywhere else, but not here, sounding irritating. His mid-range singing is somewhat mediocre, and overused throughout the album. The excessive use of overdubbed vocals is probably the main fault with his singing. It fails to be epic; instead, it is ridiculous. Also, his aggressive style definitively does [b]not[/b] suit the sugary melodies he is supposed to sing. Still, I will not lie: “Declaration Day” is a rocking tune. It is as unoriginal as possible, but I like it. Nevertheless, the silly lyrics almost ruin it. Oh, I forgot to mention that! The lyrics here are filled with rhymes that could have been written by a ten year old, dealing with historical subjects in an erroneous way. I’m thankful I don’t go to the same school Schaffer did. If his lyrics had to be approved by the MA mods, they would be rejected for “factual inaccuracies”. And as if the weak rhymes and historical mistakes aren’t enough, the exaggerated “patriotic” bullshit on most of the songs, namely the overlong and pretentious “Gettysburg Trilogy”, are utterly annoying to anyone that wasn’t born on the USA, and even to some americans, I suppose. But who cares about the rest of the world? When one live on such a perfect country like the USA, caring for other countries is unnecessary, even preposterous. Why care about those “spoiled european pussies”, to quote Iced Earth’s mastermind? And I guess that is a good thing, since it sells more copies – on the USA, at least. And last but not least, I must stress yet again how simple this is. Iced Earth never really had progressive or technical tendencies, but even then the level of simplicity reached by this album is astonishing. I think I once heard a Britney Spears song that wasn’t as predictable as this album, and no, I’m not joking. The most astounding aspect of this album is that the musicians are all talented. However, their talent actually decreases from the overall quality. For example, Christy is busy doing what he can do best – drum. And his slightly complex drumming simply does not fit with the extremely simplistic compositions. In the end, nothing fits together here. Talk about incoherence taken to the next level.

That is how this album can be described: an incoherent cash grab. Overlong and filled with boring songs, containing pretentious lyrics and a total lack of creativity, since only rewashed riffs are to be found here. The album is called “The Glorious Burden”, but ultimately, something this worthless could only have been crafted by some inglorious bastards. Underwhelming and forgettable, really. But hey, that is apparently a good thing! After all, it sells more copies!

[Note: Yes, I am aware that this review sucks.]