Framing Armageddon (Something Wicked - Part 1)

I used to like Iced Earth. I really did. I thought Matt Barlow was a good vocalist, albeit one with limited range and a penchant for being overly melodramatic. Nevertheless, when Barlow was on, he was on, and Schaffer seemed able to compliment him decently well. Schaffer's riffs quite frequently led to headbanging, and the epics of earlier albums were stunning, with "A Question Of Heaven" still being one of my favorite songs to this day. I thoroughly enjoyed even "The Dark Saga" and "Days of Purgatory," and thought "Burnt Offerings" was great. Iced Earth without Barlow just isn't the same for me; even the original version of "Night of the Stormrider" just sounds weird. Iced Earth and Matt Barlow always went hand in hand for me, which I suppose is my own fault.

When Barlow left, I was worried, and even moreso when I found out who his replacement was. Tim "Ripper" Owens is nothing like Barlow, and, quite frankly, does not fit Iced Earth at all. I do not see what anyone hears in this guy at all. His vocals are horrible, and his falsetto shrieks are laughably bad.
Nevertheless, I did not find "The Glorious Burden" to be too offensive. It was still the same Iced Earth riffs, just with an inferior vocalist. But enough about my gripes about Iced Earth's vocalist choices in general, on to this album.


Man, does it suck.

The name of the "Something Wicked" story has been forever soiled by this tripe. It's difficult to put into words how amazingly bad this is. Iced Earth are legendary for the quality of their concept albums (okay, maybe not "The Dark Saga," but I thought it was an amazing album). However, much of what made Iced Earth so good is lost on this record. It appears Schaffer has been too busy patting himself on the back and being an asshole in general to his bandmates to actually put the effort into writing a good album. I get that IE were going for epic on this album, and it just doesn't work. Dissecting tracks is a total waste, and so the easiest way to do this is to just put my many gripes down in the order I can think of them.

First off, the interludes are universally pointless, and universally terrible. What was Schaffer thinking? They add nothing to the overall feel of the album, nor do they advance the story in any way, or even make me want to care. The interludes are randomly thrown in all over the damn place. What purpose do they serve? All I can think of is that they added length to the album, which brings me to.....

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, "epic" and "long" are NOT the same thing. This album is way too fucking long, and repeats the same damn ideas way too much to make me even remotely care. The story seems haphazard at best, which compounds the monstrous length of the album. At least if the story was, y'know, coherent, I could at least enjoy myself with the lyric sheet at my side and be amused. Then again, Schaffer clearly demonstates that he is no Michael Moorcock or Frank Herbert on this album. I'd also complain about how such a long album begs for filler, but to be quite honest, every song on here is filler. Which leads to my next point....

Write something interesting. Please. Not a single riff stuck with me throughout the entire chore of listening to this album several times. I hoped it was one of those albums that slowly unfurled its full glory over time (who was I kidding? This is Iced Earth), but it doesn't. Everything is boring. Even the trademark Iced Earth Chug doesn't do anything for me. It might be the tone, or it might be that Schaffer is lazy as all hell. I can't tell. This is the only Iced Earth album where I couldn't remember one damn riff. I expect some filler tracks from Iced Earth - they've been a constant problem since the band's inception for me - but an entire album of filler is painful.

Fourthly, as I said before, vocals are horrible. Thank God Barlow came back after this album, although if this is a sign of things to come, I'll probably just give up on Iced Earth anyway. Owens lacks any sense of emotion whatsoever. He is the perfect cliche of a metal vocalist, and the fact that so many people adore his vocals makes me question their sanity. Are we listening to the same guy? The only good thing Owens does is shut his mouth every once in awhile. At least then I can be bored by the guitars instead of trying to plug my ears.

Finally, while trying to come across as epic, this album only manages to sound pompous and full of itself. The story isn't particularly well-written (what the hell is it even about? I can barely decipher it) to begin with, and the style this album presents it in makes me even less interested. Every track is so amazingly self-indulgent it's sickening. Schaffer's ego has finally taken musical form, and that form is "Framing Armageddon."

Avoid at all costs.