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I will never understand this - 10%

SunGodPortal, December 4th, 2006

I'll start by saying that this album is seriously lacking in anything to make it stand out or make me want to listen to it ever again. I didn't even want to listen to it when writing this, but I made myself because I wanted to make sure that it was fresh on my mind so I would know exactly what I was talking about and wouldn't sound as if I was just going on some rant about something that I didn't even give a chance. It starts with "The Third of the Storms" and to be completely honest, when I heard this it almost made me laugh out loud. There's something about the riff that's played when the drums kick in that made me think of an opening theme from Looney Tunes or something. It just sounded goofy and I didn't know what to make of it at this point. It sounded like sloppy and painfully generic punk, but played by people who were influenced by Black Sabbath instead of punk. The chorus really gets on my nerves because you can hear the entire band slow down because the drummer couldn't play double-bass fast enough. This immediatly leads me to believe that they were all very unfamiliar with their instruments and that this was just something they shit out and didn't think twice about because they were too busy day dreaming about the big rock stars they were gonna be. The solo in this song is particularly awful and upon reading the lyrics I start to feel angry toward the band as if they had stolen my hard-earned money right from my pocket. Tom was never good at soloing, but this solo doesn't make me want to kill myself the way most of his solos in early CF do. The lyrics get progressively better from track to track, but Tom sounds like he is totally bored and falling asleep. Where's the energy? This is what a punk band would sound like if they had eaten too many muscle relaxers. In a word: boring. "Massacra" is a little better than the first track since it's basically the same, but with a better opening and since Tom chose not to solo I can afford to be a little nicer. Not much more to say about that one. Onward to track three... Oh fuck. I don't know where to begin with "Triumph of Death." This is without a doubt, one of the worst songs I have ever heard in my entire life. The opening reminded me of Mercyful Fate's "On a Night of Full Moon" but instead it went nowhere and when the vocals came in I actually turned it down because I was afraid that my mom (I bought this when I was about 15) would hear it and that I would be totally embarassed because it's just that bad. In a way I can respect him for what he's attempting and I'm sure this sounded much better live, but this is so bad that I just don't know what anyone has ever seen in this band. When the verse is over and the riff changes the one that comes in is just about as generic as a metal riff can get and it sounds like the guitar is going in and out of time. To tell you the truth much of this song feels like a simple jam session and nothing more. This is one of those things you would play for fun, but you would have the common sense to never let it leave the rehearsal room. Next. The intro to track four, "Horus" would have been pretty cool, but the drummer fucked that up by getting out of time just before the guitar came in and when the guitar leaves the double-bass... Fuck. I don't know. This sounds so corny and generic. When the verse comes in I always think of some "Ace of Spades" or "Iron Fist" era Motorhead filler-grade songs, but a little heavier and a lot worse. On a lighter note, the chorus riff is actually pretty cool and is the one of the only times on the album that I don't feel like pressing the stop button and chucking the CD and my, by now, very numbed mind into a wood chipper.

Since they are on nearly any version of this you will find nowadays I might as well mention the two bonus tracks, especially since when they come in I always feel a wave of relief roll over me for two reasons. They are 10 times better than all the tracks that make up the actual album and I know that the pain will soon be coming to an end... "Revelations of Doom" is kind of cool, but it still contains absolutely nothing to make me want to change my mind about these guys. "Messiah" is the last track and is the only one I would actually goes so far as to say "I like." I just can't put into words how over-ratted "Apocalyptic Raids" seems. It's one of the only things I've ever bought that made me feel 120% disappointed and that my money would have undoubtedly been better spent on a drugged-up hooker with hep, AIDS, herpes the desire to kill me halfway through. Most of these songs make me think of some of Venom's early outtakes such as "Hounds of Hell" or "Snots Shit," but not nearly as deep. What does it all boil down to? Basically everything that Hellhammer has achieved with release, Venom did 1000 times better, but at least three years before. I'll give them 40 points for taking the effort to write, record and convince someone to release these god-awful songs, but -30 because it has forever ruined the metal world by making it appear acceptable to release and re-release ignorant music. Hellhammer seem like something that was more about image or finding a party play at so they could get free beer, as opposed to anything resembling substance.