If You Can't Take the Heat...

“…I’m a homicidal maniac, I like to hear rubber squeal, I can step on the brakes but I ain’t got what it takes to use a steering wheel…”

I’d probably have a better chance of sitting in someone’s igloo trying to sell him aluminum siding than making this lp seem worthwhile to the average metalhead using only the back cover shots of drummer Mike Shoop and bassist Troy Takaki. Shit, I probably couldn’t sell it to the average Badlands fan that just flew through a windshield. So if their debut If You Can’t Take the Heat… had a rough time disappearing from record racks, it may have done better with mail order (in this case, likely the most favorable retail avenue, with back cover unseen), but I have a feeling neither recorded any kind of windfall. Not that the front cover’s rotisserie chicken crisping for our sins inspires any upgraded confidence or anything, and lyrically, there seems to be a personal vendetta against this particular poultry.

I got this via internet auction, therefore the jacket became up close n’ personal only after I shut my mailbox, and cringe I did, probably with a similar expression that comes with bad acid reflux. Then reliving my documented experience with Acid Reign blossomed a hopeful flower in this garden of mixed signals, and like with Moshkinstein, after sampling some of the first course’s catchy hardcore-meets-speed metal cuisine, warning lights slowly dimmed and I abandoned my quest for Rolaids to spread more topsoil across the garden. Lucked out again.

Oven pots bubble an uncomplicated broth of crossover that’s rugged and tetchy in guitar tone, is played slightly above adequate and with notable confidence (Skeels and Takaki were taught to play by Joe Satriani, according to the thanks list), and is imaginative enough to avoid spinning down the draining slop sink of boredom way more easily than originally anticipated. The final spice comes with Takaki’s acceptably (and surprisingly) hoarse and crabby lungs, stirring these boiling tubs effectively enough to avoid complaints except from his own hairdo.

Fluctuating the album’s pulse that could’ve easily been flatlined throughout is good ‘ol sensible song placement, naturally scattering its nest of speedy Motorhead/Tank/Avenger (UK)-hatched oilers “Crystal Wasteland”, “Farm Animals”, “Bloody Knees”, “Ain’t No Beer (For a Summertime Fool)” and tri-fisted finale “Guns, Guts, and God” amid the more mindfully mid-tempo. Of these, memorable are dark water demi-dirge “Older Than Dirt”, “World of Sin” and its coolly bumpy beat, the more multi-faceted title cut that takes its time actually fingertapping to a close, and formidable lane-crosser “War of the Gerbils”, which maintains an average speed somewhere on the dotted line between the two.

On the other hand, the amateur phoned-in-by-a-pedestrian “Mind Meld” could vanish from the playlist as long as the savable guitar solo is given another home, meanwhile the Spinal Tap cover “Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight” is quite unnecessary, but I can’t say it doesn’t fit the quartet’s unsurprisingly unsophisticated lyrics and song topics.

Acid Reign and Hell’s Kitchen, however, sound virtually nothing alike, for AR falls from England’s thrash metal sky, which is too far abroad to dilute even the faintest fire burning in the seedy midtown Manhattan neighborhood, its colorful nickname apparently coined by Davey Crockett during his first visit to the Five Points way before Daredevil got there. But since this quartet is from California, the historical fun fact is pretty moot where the band’s concerned. And just because I can, here’s another having nuthin’ to do with the band.

Fun fact 8kdh’;: 1985 was the year Boner Records released a punk/crossover compilation featuring Verbal Abuse, Fang, Tales of Terror, Special Forces (US-CA), The Boneless Ones, and Blast. The agreed upon title? Them Boners Be Poppin’. Ugh. But don’t go away ‘cos the gag doesn’t end there, not when it’s licensed that same year to We Bite Records.

“…crucify the chickens on the cross, I shove ‘em in the oven and I show them who’s boss…”