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A serious review for a serious release - 80%

Forever Underground, April 4th, 2022

Since some young guys in Birmingham decided to progress the music towards a darker and heavier direction in response to the cultural movement developed on the other side of the Atlantic, the metal scene has always been predominantly masculine, the presence of women has always been relegated to something anecdotic in popular bands like Arch Enemy or Nightwish.

Hades Archer in this work has been misunderstood as a piece of humour when in reality it is a work full of symbolism about religion, sex and metal itself. Underneath a title so comically tagged by some, lies an intention and a deliberate vision of the musical genre itself that is nothing more than the result of a highly phallocentric culture of "metal for men and fuck", "rock with your cock out" and shit like that.

Starting with the main and most important thing, in the musical aspect this ep is more than solid, we find a black/thrash sound highly influenced by the first wave of black metal, with a sound very linked to other latin american bands like Sarcofago, early Sepultura or Pentagram Chile aswell as to european bands like Sodom, which they show with a cover of them. The music is fast, furious, without leaving a second to breathe, with an evident simplicity but with many hints of compositional depth. I think a lot of people go into this album expecting to hear some kind of parody or something stupid and are surprised by such a well crafted sound.

Many times we see how many artists in the genre try to make music with the purpose of being as heavy and as evil as possible, and many times that immature character ambition works against them, leaving us with some truly ridiculous moments (..............Satan...*sips*...) but this time it succeeds. Hades Archer signs one of the most hate-filled works I've ever heard, hate against Christianity, hate against women, the sound shows it all over the place and you can really understand why Daria Antezana (the leader and main musician of Hades Archer) got angry when he discovered the comic status this work was relegated to.

Penis Metal is as serious as one can take the issues it deals with, of course we can laugh at the ridiculousness of someone being a misogynist, but that doesn't take away from the seriousness of the issue and if I'm honest, I appreciate being able to listen to a piece of art as pure as this work, where the artist's feelings are fully captured and manages to reach a vein of reality that distinguishes this music from a purely commercial product. Penis Metal is serious. Penis Metal is art. Penis Metal is METAL

The Initiation Rite For Reviewers On Metal Archives - 69%

DanielG06, February 26th, 2022
Written based on this version: 2017, Digital, Rawforce Productions (Bandcamp)

How this is the most reviewed release on the entire Archives, I have no idea. However, instead of making crude jokes about the album name or the amount of reviews, I'm going to go straight to the music.

Firstly, Penis Metal is a seemingly generic, but very strong war metal EP. The songs are all consistently destructive, but the riffs themselves are actually energetic and somewhat memorable. The production is good; the guitars have the right amount of treble but not ear-grating amounts, the drums have perfect reverb and panning, the vocals aren't too loud or quiet, and generally the noise on this record is held back, while the music is the main focus, which I think is very admirable of an underground war metal band.

The song structures are fairly simple, and all of the songs are very short. You have some very standard black metal riffs on the title track, and some excellent drum fills which are uncharacteristically tight and impressive. There is little melody on the album, with the exception of Gloria Rex Infernus, which has a short but haunting lead that is very unsettling. The vocals are very typical of general South American extreme metal, but I'm glad the vocals are quite raw, instead of the usual processed static-heavy shrieks that plague black metal.

Again, this release is in no way outstanding or groundbreaking, but the band plays typical war metal very well. With that in mind, do not expect this to be a life-changing release, but one that you would enjoy and listen to regularly if you're a fan of black metal, hardcore, or anything in between. Penis Metal might be silly, and somewhat amateurish (judging by the song lengths and lack of musical refinement), but if would be lying if I said it isn't a fun listen.

No Wanton Bull Dong Soup* For You (And I)! - 42%

CHAIRTHROWER, April 28th, 2021
Written based on this version: 2017, Digital, Rawforce Productions (Bandcamp)

With an EP named Penis Metal, you'd expect Chilean black metal-er Hades Archer to conduct none-too-brisk business with Johnny Knoxville's iconic Dickhouse Productions, of Jackass and Loiter Squad renown; alas, the now defunct and shrivelled Santiago two-some released, back in '08, its infamously rallying recording under Kuravilú Productions - not quite a Hostel-like snuff film company, but rather mercurial, nation-wide purveyor of obsidian sonic arts i.e. black, death, thrash, speed, doom (five basic food groups, what).

Considering this pentamerous bout of venereal crotch rot burrows (Venusian?) mounds from each, simply hear a rather dissonant and invasive, noisy mish-mash of rapid-fire trem, craggy, bile flavoured vox of an assorted sordid contingent sprawled over relentless, circumcised, erm, circumscribed blast-beats (they're dry and paradoxically insalubrious!). Opener "The Stench (Cadaver in the Cross)" is vile enough, like getting a pungent whiff of skunks backpedalling into a wood-chipper, whilst "Gloria Rex Infernvs", aside from potentially inspiring RAM's Sbversvm, takes longer route, winding down with croaker/bassist/axe man Nabucodonosor III screaming his balls off like he's undergoing a vasectomy without anaesthetic or jalapeño Cheetos.

Bringing up the rear (to buddy's front) is drummer Hateaxes Command; both are known darkened aspirants, having erected many an assembly and/or less phallic offerings within relative, bloodied circles of extreme, horn-throwing/growing music. The following three "cuts", all under two minutes, including eponymous third-party harasser "Penis Metal" proper, essentially coalesce into one big fuzzy pubic hair ball of stressing razzle-dazzle which, by such point, am inclined to bypass. I can only imagine my upstairs neighbour musing on invidious growls of "Puta! Puta! Puta!" emanating from these cheap multimedia speakers. Although a cheeky novelty, I prefer the band's moniker by a long (money) shot!

*Supposedly, a Malaysian lunch staple which, according to Chef Gordon, tastes like bland oxtail swimming in piss: not good.

(There, Metantoine! Can I go home, now?!)

A Vulgar Review For A Vulgar Release - 69%

ReleaseTheBears, April 11th, 2020

What's that smell? It must be dick cheese. Either that, or Jesus's rotting corpse on the cross. I like that idea. Jesus didn't come back to life, he rotted on the cross, same as all the other unfortunate fucks that the Romans decided to nail up there. And then Satan came along disguised as a goat and rammed his penis into all their faces, and it smelled bad. The stenchhhhhhh.

Okay, now that I'm done telling the probable genesis story of Hades Archer's Penis Metal (or just my own version of why this Friday is Good) let's get down to the actual music. It's fast. It's aggressive. And it's filthier than a penny whore with AIDS and a metal penis implant.

The rhythm guitar is essentially just a fuzzy wall of noise (to a black metal noob such as myself, it sounds like if the guitars from Filosofem were sped up) but the lead guitar parts are strikingly clean and to the forefront. While nothing amazing, the lead work tends to do a good job of advancing the songs forward, in particular on "Penis Metal" where the vast majority of the song is an instrumental until the chanting near the end.

The vocals are harsh, yet generally understandable, interspersed with lots of ferocious roars. As noted by pretty much everyone who has ever listened to Penis Metal, the lyrics for "Penis Metal" and "Objeto" are impressive in terms of their repetitive single-mindedness. 'What lyrics do we have so far for the title track?' 'Penis metal.' 'Okay, how about we chant that a few more times, and then finish it off with something different?' 'FUCK!' Or, 'how long is the song?' 'Two minutes.' 'Okay, that is how long we are going to chant "puta" for.' In all fairness though, the other songs do contain a full set of lyrics, including the dastardly ones from "The Stench (Cadaver in the Cross)".

Finally, the drumming generally sounds like a gatling gun that gets frequently interrupted by tom fills. It's steady, noisy, and helps to propel this short little guy along to his finishing point.

Kinky as fuck, and freaking bizarre that someone with my taste in metal actually kind of enjoys this shit. Hence the only possible rating for something of this ilk: 69.

Grow Me a Second Dick, Domine, So I Can Shag More - 74%

bayern, July 21st, 2018

“Fucky fucky fucky
fuckiest in town
fucky, fucky, fucky
(a 3-sec virtuoso Shrapnel-like guitar solo here)
fucky fucky fucky
fuckiest in town
fucky fucky fuckyyyyyyyyyy!”

Holy Motheeeeeeeer! Run away… and fast! Or rather stay; and have the time of your everlasting life…

to begin with, such a song doesn’t exist, not yet anyway; but I’m planning to dedicate a voluminous portion of my time in the days to come in order to compose it, very meticulously at that, with all the relevant romantic details. Cause, as you can very well see, there’ll be a lot of romance and lyricism pouring from this 15, maximum 20-word composition which I’m planning to send to our Chilean friends here… cause one, not very long at that, “penis metal” released over ten years ago can’t possibly keep billions of aroused, expectant mademoiselles around the world satisfied… it’s a shame, real shame.

An old, recently dug out of the arid Atacama desert, legend says that if you listen to this effort here five times in a row, in a cold (all right cool) darkened room, time unspecified, you will have a second penis grown, very similar to your current one only made of metal; in other words, all the Manowars’ holiest dream will become a very tangible one soon, no kidding… So this second appendage will greatly ease your way through life and especially through this sex/porno industry that we’re all heading to one way or another. But please, make sure not to miss this special part of the ritual which controls the place where you want this grown. Cause man, if it grows in about the same area as your other penis, I can tell you you will have some serious problems handling both your girlfriend and this always present, in a strangely insistent kinky way, cousin of hers at the same time. The “Kama Sutra for the New Penis Metal-Bred Generation” manual hasn’t come out yet so God, or rather Satan, help you…

so how can we possibly use these vital 15-min as an accompaniment to the guided meditation to this coveted second-dick growth process? Easy; simply indulge in this wild frenetic musical carnival, ignoring for a while all the sacred tunes from the Iron Maiden, Accept, and Judas Priest repertoire in your head, and pretend that the blasting early Impaled Nazarene worship “The Stench (Cadaver in the Cross)” is your most favourite song. Don’t forget to try and imitate from time to time these apocalyptic animalistic vocals, though, as this will also help you develop bigger tolerance towards what follows as the initially served primal death/black/thrashing outrage gets elongated, your original penis along with it as well, on “Gloria Rex Infernvs”, a nearly progressive-like material with its gigantic 3.5-min length and the several more laid-back escapades, but still built around the already introduced pristine cacophonic madness that only a scary place, full of sinister Sarcofagi and not so dormant Vulcanoes, like the Amazon Jungle can produce.

Back to chastity and monastic simplicity with the ultimate spearheader that is the short bursting title-track which alone can get a whole town pregnant so it’s highly advisable to put a condom (where?! on the cd player!?) if you don’t want to prematurely expose your young innocent girlfriend to throes and other similar torments. And it’s far from over yet with “Dignitas” violating the speakers in a similar unbridled fashion soaking, or rather flooding every maiden’s dream with myriad exploding and erupting penises all around, the shadow of the mentioned Finnish psychos becoming even more tangible, including on “Objeto”, a most objective orgy-inducing hyper-blaster, the (un)needed semblance of normality eventually arriving at the end in the form of a Sodom cover, “Equinox” from “Obsessed by Cruelty”, surprisingly served relatively faithfully, probably more fitting for the foreplay if there could ever be any foreplay in the first place with this metal penis eagerly buzzing around, perforating g-strings and other similar annoying obstructions along the way with all the genuine, lubricant-free passion it has mustered…

Yeah, our Chilean brethren had to take the torch from the renowned “motorpennis” inventors, Impaled Nazarene time and again, who unleashed this very erective… sorry, effective invention of theirs in the distant 1996, and once they made sure it produced the desired results, they lent it to their South American colleagues to assemble their own version of it. And here we go, “Penis Metal” to the bone(r), an explosive (literally) debut that also very enthusiastically brought the aroused audience back to the mid-80’s when quite a bit of (dis)organized noise was generated east of the Chilean border, when acts like Sarcofago, Vulcano, and Holocausto were destroying the non-true’s ears, allowing no one to entry their realm, totally oblivious of the love and romantic interpretations that would be ascribed to their infernal creations later.

A very brief, not very adroitly produced black/death/thrash metal outrage this effort is, no more no less, that largely attracted the fanbase due to the sex-promising title upon release, but once the “metal penis” was up and running, victoriously shagging left and right as well, there was no need the guys to carry on bashing in the same pristine, chaotic manner; their style later acquired much more ambitious, more serious proportions on the subsequent full-lengths with the unbridled brutality not as extensively applied, these later works boasting some expertly-crafted epic atmospheric passages some of those not far from the mid-period Bathory arsenal even. Yes, once the overt youthful sexual enthusiasm was out of the way, wisdom settled in leading to loftier musical exploits…

Once this is all over, you will carefully examine your body, and will find out that there’s nowhere a metal penis grown. “Shit… this didn’t work”, you’ll say to yourself, but at the same time you’ll hardly feel very upset as this was one highly exhilirating old school ride. On the other hand, it’s just 15-min, god damn it, it won’t be enough for your hyper-active 20-something girlfriend… unless you play it incessantly, over and over, until she reaches this mythical earth-transcending sexual nirvana and evaporates into thin air. But this immediately creates the problem of looking for another one, and I don’t think the lasciviously smiling neighbour in her late-40’s across the hall would be too happy, either, cause for her this would be more of “hm, what was that? are you still here?” than “wow, this really brought me back to the days when I was young…”.

Oh, before I forget: about this virtuoso Shrapnel-like solo I want for my song; I called Yngwie Malmsteen the other day, and he said he would be more than glad to do it! “But of course”, I hear some of you say, “who wouldn’t want to join this steamy, full of infinite possibilities orgy…”. Exactly! Isn’t this world such a nice, penis metal-guided place to live!?

"fucky fucky fuckyyyyyyyyyy…”

"Metal for men and fuck..." - 90%

TheMeh, July 15th, 2018

I'm not big with black metal. Something about the quality gets to me at times, and it overall just drags. That being said, I found it increasingly interesting that the #1 most reviewed item on the website was a black metal EP by the name of "Penis Metal". Not to mention it outshines the previously #1 "Time I" from Wintersun... not that it deserved it. At its core face value, seeing this EP at the #1 spot was pretty funny, and intriguing all the same. With that in mind... after reviewing the aforementioned travesty of Time I before this, I felt it necessary that I at least give this thing a go, maybe see if it's one of the few things in black metal I could enjoy.

While still slightly perpetuating the problem of quality that I've come to find plagues most black metal I've listened to, Penis Metal is able to benefit from that, simply by bringing out some hard-hitting, powerful songs. I never thought I would see someone take the mannerism of "rocking out with your cock out" so seriously. The instrumentals themselves are fast and vicious, and the vocals are piercing and crisp for what it is. The songs themselves, unlike that of its basis of title (for some), are particularly short, yet they leave me wishing for more... which, reading again, sounds incredibly awkward to say out loud. In that of the first track, "The Stench (Cadaver in the Cross)", I do find that all these points do stand out. It leaves something to be desired, certainly, but that isn't a bad thing at all.

I really don't know what else to say about this EP, and I wish I had more I could say. This is an exemplary piece of music, albeit having a rather comedic takeaway at first glance. It gets all the credit it deserves, really, and it makes me honestly want to pursue listening to more of Hades Archer itself. For black metal, it's very much good. Just... try to be careful. Call your doctor if you're having troubles with it for more than four hours.

...all jokes aside, you should seriously go listen to this thing.

pounding the world, like a battering ram - 70%

caspian, March 10th, 2018

Penis metal is moreso the equivalent of an enthusiastic but new-to-the-trade teenage boy having his first root than, I dunno, how I imagine fucken George Clooney having sex or something. The dude probably doesn't take his tuxedo off for the first three hours. This little EP is sloppy, amateurish, goes for broke right from the get go, and is over before you know it.

I don't mean that as particularly negative criticism mind. Sex is like pizza, or beer- even when it's bad, it's still good. This train of thought can be applied to south american war metal, and obviously this album. The energy and intensity is great, and is pretty much what carries this album. No surprises on the usual bands to namedrop here- bit of Sarcofago, the first Sodom album and (I reckon, anyway) Pleasure to Kill- blast beats, thrash inspired black metal (or the other way around, whatever), breathless shouts from the vocalist. Bit of the first Celtic Frost album too, there's that real sense of anti-melody that those swiss dudes blessed the world with.

Look, musically it's fine, not amazing and you've likely heard it before, but quite enjoyable. I just keep on going back to the energy of the thing.

Zizek in some article once contrasted the passionate third world extremist who's willing to die for his cause, and the comfortable, liberal westerner who is rather unwilling to stand for just about anything, but who just wants to be as comfortable as possible, have a bit of poison when it suits, and to have a whole lot of poison at the end. In the same way that I'd rather hang out with a Nepalese maoist rebel over Justin Trudeau, I'd much rather listen to this than some some milquetoast german europower band, even if the latter is a lot more competent and they can play a bit more on time, have less amateurish production and so on. What I'm trying to get at here is that energy, passion and unbridled enthusiasm are extremely laudable traits, especially when it's mixed with some pretty fun tunes.

All up at ten minutes length this is a short EP that really doesn't grow old. Worth a crack if war metal is your jam.

Penis Metal: I got something for dat ass... - 92%

BlackMetal213, December 19th, 2016

Seeing how many reviews this album has, most of which being from 1 April 2014 (assuming this had something to do with April Fools day...) this has to be one of the most reviewed albums on the Archives. Curiosity got the best of me, and I found that I simply HAD to listen to this dirty mess of metallic phalluses. I remember reading these reviews when I was overseas on 24-hour duty, and nearly shitting myself from laughter. So, why not? Maybe the music will just be a laughable joke too, I thought. I was wrong. This is some of the most blasphemous black metal I have heard in a while. It's raw but extremely competent stuff.

The riffing here is pure evil. There is an evident influence of thrash and speed metal here, adding to the black metal sound, which can show influence of bands such as early Bathory, Sarcófago, maybe even some Venom or Hellhammer. The title track, along with the hilarious chanting of "PENIS!!! METAL!!!" contains some of the most memorable riffing and a really cool guitar solo. Nothing here is too complex but manages to hold on to a promisingly engaging sound. "Gloria Rex Infernvs" is the longest track here at around 3 and a half minutes (yeah, this is black metal with shorter track times) and after a fairly nice doomy intro, breaks out into an all-out blasphemous war. Actually, with the way the music is structured, I sometimes am reminded of the simpler moments from Impaled Nazarene's music. There is a punky vibe that comes out of a lot of these songs. There are guitar solos and leads spread about here and there to add a bit of a break, and more variety to the music.

The drums come across as someone furiously masturbating to Satan's unholy evil force. They are mostly comprised of blast beats and double bass, something of a commonality in a lot of black metal. The way the drums are played, I really get that early 1980s vibe here. It's nothing too special, which seems to be the commonality here. Music that is just comfortable being what it is. Standard black metal, really, but that's certainly not a bad thing. It manages to be typical, yet extremely satisfying and rewarding.

This extremely short EP is nothing really new, even including a cover of Sodom's "Equinox" which retains the aggression and evil blackened thrash sound of the original. I'm certain these reviews were written as funny April Fools jokes but really, it seems like everyone at least listened to the EP and provided their thoughts on it, even if it was in a joking manner. This is a really cool little piece of music that surely will give any fan of the black metal genre in it's most aggressive form a massive boner.

Pounds you hard... - 75%

Valfars Ghost, December 2nd, 2015

Like a legion of other Latin American releases, Penis Metal pounds you hard with its sheer aggression and energetic, thrash-laden black metal riffing. There honestly isn’t much about this release, besides its brilliantly attention-grabbing name, that would draw you to it, but while it’s got your attention, it proves to be a fun, if disposable, listen.

Aside from a few memorable choruses (in 'Objeta' and the title track, which hilariously features singer Nabucodonosor III repeatedly howling “Peh-niss! Metal!”), there’s nothing memorable here. The songs barrel forward with a single-minded fascination with speed, intensity, and all things obscene or unholy as their only guide. There’s a calmer moment or two in ‘Gloria Rex Infernus’, but aside from that, Penis Metal is a maelstrom of simplistic riffs, blasting drums, and vicious shouts that doesn’t let up until it’s over.

This EP’s rather short length (insert your own dick joke here) works in its favor, and not in the sense that shitty albums are sometimes mercifully brief. While Penis Metal is enjoyable, everything on it blends together and wears you out with its boundless energy, making 15 minutes about the ideal running time.

Though this EP is good, it definitely doesn’t have what it takes to go down as a masterpiece in the metal canon. Like having drunk sex with a stranger, Penis Metal is fun in the moment, but when you think about it a few days later, the memory is mostly a blur.

Hail Semen Demon We Are the Phallic Legions - 85%

Napalm_Satan, November 20th, 2015
Written based on this version: 2010, 12" vinyl, Deathrash Armageddon (Japan, Limited edition)

So, Penis Metal. Its notoriety here far exceeds its popularity outside the site, so to those outside observers, a quick summary of what the hell this 20 minute long phallus sounds like. This is basically what is known as 'war metal', a sort of black/thrash/grind hybrid that has captured the fascination of the South American metal underground, it would seem. Think of something like Mayhem's Deathcrush demo or some of the more brackish LLN stuff, but with added balls! Seriously, every song here is about 2 minutes of pure fucking armageddon, charging straight into battle with penises raised high!

Every song here is an anthem to cacophony, with no real element standing out. This thing honours the traditions of black metal to a fault: a never ending stream of blast beats atop one or two malevolent thrash-oriented riffs with a percussive, distorted and thick-accented rasp. The performances are very generic, and yet so energetic and intense that you have to love it! You simply don't care that there are so many one word choruses, so few riffs per song, an over reliance on noise through blasting and a huge amount of one dimensional songwriting on the whole. This is a great example of an album that is greater than the sum of its parts, with its sheer ferocity and energy bolstering its overly primitive framework.

Sure it is generic, but it is also a great time, one which not once lets up in its intensity and its passion towards the almighty pork sword, the most metal object of them all. It has a far greater effect on the body than its 11 to 20 minute length would suggest, providing a one way, one shot trip of full on apocalyptic intensity that never once slows down. This thing just surges forth and explodes, leaving its vile hatred everywhere in the process. For those who are well versed in this type of music, it is just another 20 or so minutes of fun with a fucking awesome name, and for those that are virgin to it, it is the most intense thing ever. Seriously, this shit can turn even the sappiest sap into that goat on the album cover, in their heads at least. Highly recommended, if only for a few minutes of fun!

Three quarters erect - 75%

Liquid_Braino, May 19th, 2014

Apparently I had missed the boat during the sudden tidal surge of interest concerning this EP, yet the sheer number of reviews and, more importantly, the esteemed nature of many who took the time to absorb and analyze this work had piqued my curiosity to an extent that I practically had no other option than to offer my own belated interpretation. Granted, by writing this I belie my own fixations regarding actual review preferences, but the occasional diversion from certain standards can offer a refreshing, if brief, foray into untested waters. My review habits constitute what could be referred as 'vagina metal', but this doesn't mean I avoid the phallic regions of metal, and this little opus seems to be more than just another musical listening experience. Given the quantity of attention, like your first automobile, your first day of employment and your first marriage, Penis Metal is a rite of passage, if only within the confines of participants on this database.

Like the saying goes, Hades Archer saw the fork on the road and took it, utilizing both aspects of the first and second waves of black metal, and keeping things raw, primitive and nuts. The guitars possess a nice chainsaw tone without veering too far into treble-hell, and the drums, while a bit muted (sometimes it sounds like there's a facecloth taped to the snare) are audible enough in all their frenzied sloppy glory. Unlike a lot of the music, the vocals actually offer some variety depending on the track, while the lack of reverb give them a filthy slum-street "in your face" attitude rather than any majestic or otherworldly vibe.

My favorite track would have to be the opener, as the blunt simple repetitive riff is matched by the aggressive yet entertaining vocals. At least here he merges the rugby hooligan nature of Cronos with the atonal lizard snarl of Quorthon, two dudes I've always dug back in the mid-eighties. With the exception of the short burst of "Dignitas", concerning the rest of the mini-album the singer opts for a slightly more inhuman delivery to dish out the high school dropout satanic lyrics, which is fine, but not as memorable. I also find the occasional guitar solos endearing, in that at least there's what appears to be an obvious attempt at laying down some melody and chops rather than random note clusterfucks. At the same time, if the solos were actually of a decent quality, they would clash significantly with the general aesthetic of the music, so cheers to not practicing enough.

The album moves fast and is over pretty damn fast as well, with only "Gloria Rex Infernvs" providing a bit of respite so the drummer can take a quick heavy swig of warm lager between chronic blasting. The overall speed clearly leans towards the early second wave grind-influenced pummeling while the raging though hardly complex riffs could fit snugly in either fucking wave.

Hades Archer carries that South American vibe, in that the music comes across as steaming hot as opposed to the more prominent cold wintery atmosphere that typifies most black metal, but it could be just my own imagination screwing with me since I knew they were a Chilean act before checking out this release. If nothing else, Chile does boast arguably the driest non-polar desert in the world, thus they could channel that Atacama Desert in all its life and moisture draining glory into their presentation. Or not. Just revel in that essence of steel emblazoned upon the heart of the unrepentant metal warrior's fist.

Like a virgin penis being stroked after its owner types the words "naked woman" on a Google image search for the first time, Penis Metal blows its wad pretty damn fast, but as an album it doesn't necessarily blow. It's not something I'll return to unless I'm in an unusually strange mood, but as a fan of early Bathory, Venom and Sodom, I can at least appreciate a few characteristics of this EP. Next year I'll probably be calling April 1st Penis Metal Day to puzzled faces, but it's no more ridiculous than a lot of various national holidays at this point.

So drunkenly sloppy it's near whiskey dick. - 66%

Empyreal, April 1st, 2014

And the award for band you wouldn’t give two shits about if not for the name of their EP goes to – Hades Archer! Fortunately the music is good anyway. This is just some raw, sloppy as fuck thrash/black in the mode of old Sarcofago, Venom and Celtic Frost. There’s absolutely nothing on this thing that sounds like it could have been released after 1986. The guitars are bashing, flailing slabs of molten metal, the drums are skin-beating, howling primordial caveman pounding and the vocals are the best kind of black metal vocals – that old Quorthonesque grunt/rasp that just sounds so badass with the music.

There’s a real raw enthusiasm to this disc that’s infectious. The band does it up with some catchy moments too, and tracks like “Gloria Rex Infernus” and the title track are actually very memorable, with solid hooky moments. The band sounds aggressive as fuck and rawer than your dick after a night with a dozen Thai hookers, and they make no apologies for that. The whole sound is incredibly phallic – in that it’s unequivocally masculine and sounds as virile as a coked up Wall Street lawyer on a handful of Viagra pills.

There’s nothing modern about this. It’s the better side of black metal – that super old school sound rising up from the primordial muck and ooze. If you hate anything sloppy and unrefined, this will do little for you – but if you just want something completely, unabashedly old school and killer, this should do you well. Shallow, sure – but incredibly fun and energetic material sails Penis Metal beyond the waters of mediocrity.

Viagra for Thrashers - 69%

Oxenkiller, April 1st, 2014

How exactly does one respond to an album called "Penis Metal?" I mean, can you actually take this seriously? Well, there isn't much to say about this album really. It's, um, better than Torsofuck, better than most bands and/or albums with "Fuck," "Dick," "Anal," and so on in the title, and certainly better than most of that goregrind crap- as if that's saying something. There, that's a start. It's better than I thought it would be, but then again, you cant really expect much from a band that calls their record "Penis Metal."

This album kicks you ass right away with blasting awesomeness. Short, fast, brutal, and to the point. Think of it as musical Viagra for thrashers. Just a wall of total thrashing angry noise that gets you aroused, rock hard and stiff from all that headbanging. If you love raw thrash like I do, this will instantly get you going. The gutteral "Untergrounden Thrasch Metull Vorriahh" vocals remind me of Tom Angelripper in all Sodom's early glory. So does the music, but it's faster and heavier than early Sodom was. They actually do a cover of a Sodom track which oddly enough is probably the best and most musically sophistocated song on here. I guess you could compare the overall sound to Sarcofago or the similarly named Anal Vomit (who are, likewise, a much better band than you would think from the name.) It's all pretty basic, the songs pretty much thrash away at warp speed from beginning to end, with a few breaks just to add interest and save it from being totally unlistenable and monotonous. "Penis Metal" has that dirty, raw underproduced guitar sound, which always sounds just perfect for this type of band. There are even a couple guitar solos on here, needless to say its not like the guitar leads are gonna remind anyone of Alexi Laiho or anything, but they do add a bit more depth to the sound and when you have music as basic and no frills as this, any little thing like that helps.

But like premature ejaculation, the one dimensional aspect of this album leaves the ears flaccid all too early. It just flys by, then...ohgodohgodohgodbaby...ahhh...splurt, it's over., what can I say. First two tracks are in English. Third track, is just someone saying "Paynis Metull" in heavily accented Englich over and over, and the last two originals are sung in Spanish. You dont need to understand Spanish to appreciate it though. You pretty much get the point, even if your native toungue is, for example, Azerbajanian. The fifth track repeats the word "Puta" (Spanish for "Bitch") over and over- just like a guy repeatedly stroking his weener, these guys have a thing for lyrics that repeat words over and over, I guess its their form of metal masturbation. It's a good hardcore adrenaline rush of a hyper-thrash record, better than you'd expect from the name, but certainly no classic. If nothing else, this album deserves sixty nine percent!


andrewarchav, April 1st, 2014

Some years ago, a band called Hades Archer released its magnum opus to the male genital organ; Penis Metal. It is a relatively short album, with just over ten minutes but a great album nonetheless.

It is pure south American black metal: the guitars are toned down to black metal madness; the blast beats are everywhere, though they don't feel tiring. The production is bad, but, then again, it is black metal; it is supposed to be bad. The vocalist is somewhere between losing his voice and screaming, which makes him as good as any black metal voice out there. Still, it does not affect the songs that much. It is short, and it is worth your time if you enjoy black metal or penis. If you excuse me, I'm going to the streets and shout "PENIS METAL" as loud as I can in front of the police.

Phallus Satani: The anti-thesis of Amon Düül II - 30%

kluseba, April 1st, 2014

Hades Archer is a Chilean black metal band with blistering death and especially thrash metal influences in the key of Brazilian legends Sarcofago. The band is infamous for the fact that they called both their genre and their first ambitious release “Penis Metal”. Phallic symbols are also included in the band logo. Rude and simplistic lyrics in Spanish and English underline the band’s destructive passion for misogyny, perversion and Satanism. If you were looking for silly black metal stereotypes, they are almost all included on this fifteen minute long release. At least they didn’t include artificially flavoured keyboard sounds but that’s the only thing they have missed.

Musically, the band has not much to offer. Basically, their music is just apocalyptic, fast and vulgar. The musicians or the singer don’t show off any talent. The garage production is straight and raw but it obviously fits this kind of release. The songs are very short and repetitive and no track can really stand out on here. Some people might call this being coherent, consequent and hypnotizing but I would call it being dull, exchangeable and forgettable. The most annoying thing is the way the band ends their songs because it almost always sounds exactly the same. There is a random breakdown at some point and one can still hear a distorted guitar for a few unnecessary seconds. The only track that grabs some minor attention is the cover version of Sodom’s “Equinox” but it’s only distinctive for recalling you the original track.

“Penis Metal” is as narrow-minded and stupid as its title. While sexual topics always sound a little bit stupid but can still be mildly amusing as it’s the case for Edguy, Nanowar or Steel Panther, Hades Archer are just plain limited in their silly attempt of attention-seeking provocation. The only good points of this release are that it screams for vivid circle pits if performed live, offers you fifteen minutes where you can completely switch your brains off and has an almost mantra-like hypnotic effect if you listen to it several times in a row. That’s why this release is objectively not utterly bad. A few obscure black metal or blackened thrash metal fans might actually fully enjoy this otherwise rather forgettable release. This is the musical and lyrical anti-thesis of the playful epic hippie anthem “Phallus Dei” by the weird experimental Krautrock band Amon Düül II.


BastardHead, April 1st, 2014

There are some things in this world that deserve the utmost praise; the things that naturally gifted people can accomplish with enough hard work (like landing on the moon with less computing power than a TI-83 calculator), little marks of genius that only the insane would stumble upon (like finding out that if you sniff the gas right before whipped cream comes out, you'll get high for five seconds), and what the bottomfeeding scum of the universe dream up in a flash of fluke brilliance (like whoever invented r/tittydrop). Sometimes, all three will morass into one grody, sticky glob of god-knows-what, like whatever stoned Chilean savant wandered into band practice one day and said "Guys, we absolutely must name our next release Penis Metal." And with that, Hades Archer blundered into what is hands down the greatest release title of all time.

And does the music inside hold up? Ehh, kinda. All Hades Archer truly is is competent. No individual aspects of the band stand out, the songwriting is pretty generic (if energetic), and the vocals are of the more lazy croaking style of black metal, of which I'm not a fan. I can give props for the EP being so cohesive, with the entire thing melding together as one solid fifteen minute explosion of blasphemy and noise, but beyond the heinous cacophony there isn't much I can really hold high as exemplary. The riffing is certainly not flaccid, but it isn't particularly rigid either. The percussion pounds away in that constant battery of one dimensional blast beats that anybody who has heard South American black metal before is surely quite used to. I do like the hypnotic throbbing in "Gloria Rex Infernus", but it's one of the few moments where Penis Metal isn't just shooting ahead at full speed. It works as a nice, very brief reprieve in betwixt all the harsh walls of noise. The title track also stands out for one of the only acceptable one-phrase choruses in the history of metal. Man if you can't rock out to PE-NEES ME-TAL PE-PEES ME-TAL, then I don't ever want to be your friend.

Otherwise it's nothing special apart from the obvious aesthetic genius. Typical bestial black metal with almost zero outside influences (you aren't going to find any thrashy riffs here), but I do admit that it's pretty charming in its enthusiasm. It's fifteen solid minutes of Chilean black metal and there isn't much else to say about it apart from the stunningly brilliant title and art. It's just a lot of fun to rock out with your cock out all willy nilly. Dick cock wiener schlong schwanzstuckers tallywhacker KNOBEND MEMBER STAFF WILLY BOABY PEEN DINGALING KNEESLAPPER TURTLENECK TROUSERSNAKE.



At the foreski- forefront of penis metal! - 70%

Connor123, April 1st, 2014

If you haven't heard about this EP yet, you really should have. For a few years now, Hades Archer have been spearheading the 'Penis Metal' movement. This is probably their most well known release.

The music itself is just straight up, South American black-ish/ war metal. The songs all sound fairly similar, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, as there are only 11 minutes of material (even then, it still goes quickly). Blast beats are in no shortage on this release, and when combined with the rest of the band, it satisfies my brutality cravings very well. It's balls-to-the-wall rage from start to finish; by the end of it, you'll feel like you've been smashed by a giant penis... in a good way.

My personal favourite track is the bonus Sodom cover, but there is plenty of decent, original material on here.

Overall, this is fairly average South American extreme metal- no surprises here. I would recommend you listen to it at least once, even if just for the penis jokes.

Pretty average penis metal. - 60%

MonumentalBlackArt, April 1st, 2014

Chilean metallers Hades Archer offer up a mighty aural assault with their 2008 EP, Penis Metal. One look at the satyr/centaur/snake with a raging erection on the cover will give you a pretty good idea of what to expect from this EP. This horde follows in the familiar footsteps of bands like Sarcófago, Vulcano, and Blasphemy, with a fairly typical black/thrash combo. The band’s musical approach is closer to black metal than thrash metal, with more frenzied tremolos than you can shake your stick at. They have a feel to them that reminds a bit of Unlord’s Schwarzwald at times. Hateaxes Command beats the shit out of his kit for the entire duration of the EP, with near constant blasts and plenty of double bass.

Penis Metal packs in at just eleven inches, I mean minutes, and for that reason it passes without overstaying its welcome. There’s very little variation between songs, and they all burst forth at a rapid speed. The songs range from two to four minutes in length and have enough passion to get your head nodding. I suppose that’s the EP’s real charm; the energy. It’s definitely not enjoyable for being unique, and the instrumental work isn’t the draw either. Hell, the album was probably thought of, written, and recorded drunk. There are a few sketchy parts, but there’s a sense enthusiasm that you can’t help but to enjoy. I’m sure these guys had a blast creating this piece of penis metal and it shows. There’s just something so endearing about the way Nabucodonosor III shouts “PENIS METAL” (which sounds like “bay-nuss meh-tul” because of his accent) or “PUTA” at you. Penis Metal is just a fun EP. Sure, it’s not going to win any awards for adventurousness, but what it lacks in originality it makes up for with energetic and filthy ardor. There are definitely worse ways to spend eleven minutes, and if you’re looking for a quickie, Penis Metal will be right up your alley.

The long and the short of it.... - 75%

mjollnir, April 1st, 2014

I actually thought long and hard about this since this album already had so many reviews to begin with but once I listened to this EP I figured that I could chime in. This Chilean band's EP, Penis Metal, is actually a surprise. This isn't that bad. It's in your face, balls out blackened thrash that is quite enjoyable. The songs are short (sometimes length doesn't matter) but full of blazing energy and aggression. The riffs are heavy as fuck and the blasts are prominent. There are guitar solos as well. They kinda remind me of Venom on steroids (or Viagra to keep the album theme going.)

The opener, "The Stench (Cadaver on the Cross)," is a straight out thrasher full of tremolos and blasts. The vocalist reminds me a bit of Ventor from Kreator on this one. This is enjoyable but nothing new or innovative. I think the song lengths are perfect for this type of music since you don't want a strong start and the song just go flaccid. However, there's nothing limp about this band or this EP. Then you have "Gloria Rex Infernus" that crushes like your balls in a vice. The vocals are angry and aggressive but not annoying. This is the longest song on the album (again, for those who think length matters) and is thick and meaty from root to tip.

The title track gets it's thing off quickly and furiously blasting you right in the face with all it's got. This is a musical grudgefuck here with the anger and aggression just dripping from this song. Once you get going it's over as with the rest of the songs on this album...just fast and furious metal. Despite the novelty of this EP and the jokes I'm sure it gets, it's quite satisfying but for some reason my asshole hurts now and I feel like a cigarette.

The penis is mightier than the sword. - 60%

hells_unicorn, April 1st, 2014

There is a poetry to the battering ram as it pushes its way into the magical gates of the deep, dark beyond in order to claim the decrepit, blackened g-spot flag. It's been done before, mind you, lest you would not be here to share in this time honored experience of profane procreation where nature's basic call is fulfilled in its most violent of fashions. One is instantly reminded of such glorious fits of machine gun blasting in the old days as exemplified in Impaled Nazarene and early Rotting Christ, though the phallic triumph that is Penis Metal tends to hearken back a little to the more seasoned cocks of Darkthrone and even pre-Dead Mayhem in all its punk/thrashing jizzery and Deathcrushing goodness in its presentation.

The formula is simple, for those unfamiliar with the time honored tradition of self-gratifying black metal dry-humping. Blast beats are the order of the day, beating against your meat like a mechanized masturbatory automaton. Guitar solos fly around the air in a series of sloppy splashes like a rude man giving his girl the "Spiderman" treatment. Surprisingly enough, the vocal deep-throat with a Chilean accent rings a little too intelligibly, even by the standards of early Nocturno Culto, which works against these sausage hounds given their lyrics not really being much to spooge at. Seriously, after a while it gets tough to stiffen up to "Metal For Men" being shouted repeatedly, though the shortness of these songs does lend credence to the meat slapping followed by a long nap approach that usually goes with a self-induced quickie.

You can't really go wrong with an album like this if one thinks that every mid 90s blackened thrash band should have been as prolific as Senmuth, but like any other cheap lay, it leaves one wanting and in need of a nice hot bath. There's more to being a man and more to black metal than simply spilling your seed willy-nilly, especially for those with a willy that's in need of variety. There is a decent Sodom cover hidden in the mix for those who prefer to take their guns blazing through the backdoor, and one can't help but admit that "Gloria Rex Infernvs" is a pretty good bit of stroking the helmet for those who loved Mayhem's "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas" and Darkthrone's "A Blaze In The Northern Sky", but most of these tadpoles aren't being corralled in a terribly organized and artful manner. Call me old fashioned, but I think the penis is magical, and so too should be the experience of using it.

*general grunting of approval* - 70%

Azmodes, April 1st, 2014

Right, so I have to keep this comparably short as I have a debauched social happening with friends, alcohol and metal at my place tonight to prepare for. Which shouldn't really be a problem here, considering that this is a pretty swift, to-the-point EP and Hades Archer seem to have had a remarkably similar mindset when they were busy hammering and blasting these five (six, actually) tracks into recorded form.

"Penis Metal" is -tellingly- just under 11 minutes long, excluding the nice little (and apparently hidden) Sodom cover snuggled up against the end, and what we're dealing with here is best described as vicious, brutish black metal with some thrashy proclivities. Some might think "war metal" to be a suited term to give a more efficiently vivid impression of the sound, but I'm not so sure; this has basically no death metal in it, no labyrinthine noodling entropy and despite it hitting you in the face like a plastered, bullet-belt-shitting hydra and being arguably somewhat of an extreme extreme metal [sic!] mashup, this isn't just relentless grind beehive buzzing and bestial grumbling. The vocal approach is more blackened thrash UGH style, actually, and as previously stated I would much rather and perhaps nitpickingly call this thrashened black metal with its ass on fire. Nevertheless, whoever digs Blasphemy, Truppensturm, Sarcófago and their ilk will surely embrace Hades Archer.

Hmmm, what else? Everything's rather busy, dumb tremolos and near-constant blasting peppered with thrashier approaches to riffing, but still not so much without moderately recognisable structure. It's primitive and samey, but comes packaged in effectively calculated crudeness. There's five songs and these songs pack a punch. Do I really have to be explicit about this not reinventing the wheel? All you need to know here is that it's rolling and getting you where you want to go. Or maybe not giving a fuck about where you want to go and just rolling on. The production sounds raw-ish and tight/fitting and if you enjoy the first track you're sure to enjoy the rest, there's really not much more to say about this one for me. Quite clearly, Hades Archer are keeping the penis metal scene alive and pulsating. Err, vibrant.

"...Issue Tickets With Raging, Mega-Huge Boners." - 78%

TheStormIRide, April 1st, 2014

Hades Archer is a Chilean blackened thrash metal band that exemplifies the sound of the South American black metal scene so well that they could be the poster children for the continuation of Sarcófago's sound. Everything hearkens to the days of yore, from the band's imagery, to their choice of album and song titles, to that tried and true black and dirty thrashing and bashing sound. The band's two members (during this EP at least), Nabucodonosor III and Hateaxes Command, bring a sound that is wholly and completely committed to the sound and style of their brethren.

After slogging through two demos, Hades Archer released their coup de grace in 2008, the enigmatically titled Penis Metal. Yes, you read that correctly, Penis Metal. Really, what should you expect from a black metal band from South America with phallic imagery alongside the typical satanic fare? If you guessed dirty, vile, murky, blackened thrash metal in the vein of Apokalyptic Raids and Vulcano, then you couldn't be more right. Rusty, razor-bladed riffs with and trem runs alongside constantly blasting drums, the band's unholy pelvic thrust is quick and to the point (if there was a pun, it surely was intended). The vocals are vicious and raspy, the riffs are forcefully shoved into your face and the drums are a near-nonstop barrage of blasts and double bass runs. Despite the exceedingly juvenile album title, this is some seriously thrashing black metal that could hold its own against many of the South American greats.

While the music is fierce, the instrumentation is on the sloppy side. One thing that I can tell you, though, is that while the music isn't performed with the pristine clarity of Dream Theater, Hades Archer makes up for this with a pissed off attitude. If you want darkened, hellish black metal in the likeness of Sarcófago and Hellhammer, with over the top lyrics about all sorts of naughtiness, then Hades Archer is here for you. Forget crystal clear production, as Penis Metal sounds like it was recorded in someone's bathroom, but it's the dirty production combined with the band's dirty attitude that makes this work so well.

Much like other bands going for this style of clanging Neanderthal metal, simplicity and primeval anger always come into play. Hades Archer has found their happy place, which is certainly evident by the raging man-meat at full staff on the front cover. I'm sure no one has ever called out Hades Archer for sounding too modern or too flashy, but their unwavering dedication to the sounds of Sarcófago and Hellhammer are admirable. I've heard this style of music before; you've heard this style of music before. It's not revolutionary or groundbreaking: rather, it's an honest homage to the forefathers of blackened thrashing; just with boners. Hades Archer released a whole bunch of material after Penis Metal but, frankly, who cares? With an EP as dirty and trashy as this, it's a "hard" piece to top in terms of vileness. Old school blackened thrash metal with a hard on… I bet Tom G. Warrior was looking for his Viagra after he heard this one.

Hard and virile, but modest in gauge - 66%

hakarl, April 1st, 2014

So, here come Chilean extreme metal dicktators Hades Archer. Given the imagery of their debut EP, one might expect vastly more brutish music than “Penis Metal” actually delivers. Though the music is definitely true to the early South American extreme metal madness of the likes of Sarcófago and Vulcano, Hades Archer actually has a tiny bit more sophisticated approach to their craft, utterly savage as though it ultimately. The production of “Penis Metal” is carefully arranged: though the guitar tone is well-rounded and the drum sounds have plenty of clarity, there’s plenty of punch and rawness in the sound. The vocals are harsh shouts innocent of any actual voice-distorting technique, but they’re not delivered with the unrelenting madness of Angel. The drums are fast and pummeling, and the snare hits cut through like gunfire, but the drum beats aren’t as unrealistically feral as on “I.N.R.I”. The album sounds raw, but it’s not the kind of rawness that comes from tape recorder fuzz or extremely harsh mix – the tones are carefully arranged and the mix is well balanced, allowing the riffing, vocals and drum beats all stand out, even when they are utterly chaotic, and all this definitely works for the benefit of the music.

The first song The Stretch (Cadaver On The Cross) provides a powerful start for the album. True to old school South American black metal, as well as with elements of some of the more primitive early Nordic black metal bands, it’s a violent, energetic two-minute burst. “Gloria Rex Infernus” recalls the more anthemic early extreme metal styles with thrash metal and hardcore punk influenced verse-chorus formulas. However, the riffs are pure evil, and the intensity is awe-inspiring. This is not nostalgy for proto-extreme metal, but rather a rekindling of the same spirit that was apparent in the most brutal of mid-80s bands. It doesn’t seek to emulate a dead style of music, but it brings to life the same sense of extremity and blunt savagery that those bands embodied. The heavy intro of the title track brings gravity to the atmosphere that the earlier songs lack and the melodic lead guitar parts give the song an interesting mood that’s rarely heard in these kinds of albums. However, what could’ve developed into something interesting ends abruptly, and the album takes a dive in quality. “Dignitas” and “Objeto” are much less memorable and developed in comparison to the first two songs, and the comparatively slow-paced Sodom cover at the end doesn’t seem to fit in particularly well.

Ultimately, “Penis Metal” has little else to offer but raw energy and an excellent interpretation of early black metal aggression. It’s certainly a positive thing in itself, and for the mere fifteen minutes that this album lasts, it’s quite enough to provide an occasional fun listen. It would be plain wrong to say that “Penis Metal” struggles to provide any strong emotional responses, because it really doesn’t even try. It is little more than a short burst of highly aggressive, barbaric metal, and it seems to be quite proud of the fact as well.

Penisless metal - 35%

mad_submarine, April 1st, 2014

What do you think about when you see something called 'penis metal'? Most of the time I wouldn't even check something of the sort, mainly because of the likelihood of it being grind or really crappy black/death. I'm on a right track here, it's the latter.

One thing you can surely expect from a Chilian band is raw aggression and a lot of energy. Check. This is where the plus sides end. Apart from that, there are a lot of necro references, you know - burning cunts, satan and all that. It's quite hard for me to buy it anymore but to each their own. I guess there are people who still enjoy these references in their metal. Unless you're like me tired of all the crap in a Dark Funeral style, you might find it ok. Or if you're a fourteen year old metalhead currently being introduced to the art of being evil and true.

On overall, in this recording you're presented with blatant, empty of all ideas metal for people who enjoy mindless headbanging. No ideas or soul put into it whatsoever. Just imagine shitty Dark Funeral with a vocalist of Spanish origin and you're quite there. On top of that, someone would be screaming 'penis metal' at you for a couple of minutes. The dream is real! The drumming is the same at all times, bass guitar is diminished (if it exists at all) and the riffs are so boring that you'd pray your speakers break down.

Penis metal or ass metal or whatever, I just lost an hour of my life. You can just read this and save yourself the time.

A Bunch of Dicks - 60%

PhilosophicalFrog, April 1st, 2014

I suppose with a name like Hades Archer, a title like Penis Metal, and an album cover depicting a demon sporting a rager and the severed head of Jesus, one can pretty much deduce what the music is going to sound like. It must be complex, jarring, droning and atmospheric, harrowing. I mean, at least that’s how I view penises…yeah, anyway.

Oh, wait…I can see simple and fast being used to describe my penis, so there we have it.

Hades Archer writes songs the same way that Goat Penis, Morbosidad, Deiphago, and Archgoat do – essentially one riff over and over with slight accents here and there (case in point, the opening track is merely a power chord riff and the accent is the same riff but played higher on the neck of the guitar). It’s straightforward and minimalist and it works extremely well. Hades Archer writes what could more or less be called war metal but does so in a very catchy way.

The riffs are quite literally the baseline of what it means to write a metal song (lots and lots and lots of power chords over fast and sloppy drums) and the vocals are standard South American grunt/shouts that are surprisingly audible. Honestly, if one wanted to, one could sing along to every song on here – and it would be surprisingly easy to memorize choruses and certain verses, which really lends itself to the catchy nature of the album. This is music meant to be seen and heard live, not listening to it on headphones like a fucking pansy. One should instead be surrounded with sweaty bearded guys and some of them shouting and the others playing air guitar. This is metal made by people who genuinely enjoy playing it and it shows in the influences. Penis Metal is Sodom, Sarcofago, Celtic Frost, Mayhem and Kreator all wrapped up in a gloriously presented war metal package.

Penis Metal is five songs at eleven minutes, and most of them sound pretty much the same – which is exactly what one looks for in music like this. Songs like “The Stretch (Cadaver on the Cross)” and “Dignitas” and “Objeto” feature drums alternative between blasting and the standard thrash beats, power chords played at a blistering speed, and solos that resemble watching a Parkinson’s patient masturbate - flailing, sloppy, and messy, but ultimately memorable, even if for the wrong reasons. The album only slows a bit for “Gloria Rex Infernus” (which features surprisingly good leads and melodies), and the occasional bit for the Sodom cover – which is a great ending and is an absolute blast to listen to.

So yeah, it’s not groundbreaking, it’s not life-changing, but it’s a ton of fucking fun, and I would definitely see these guys live based solely off of Penis Metal. In all of its immaturity and posturing, Penis Metal is a surprisingly earnest effort from a surprisingly earnest band. So, yeah, if you need your metal to be high-minded and feature songs about existential crises, this definitely isn’t for you. But, if you like the occasional fart joke, chugging beer and playing loud and fast, this is right up your alley. So, check it out if you can find it.

Honestly, I can’t think of a better way to waste ten minutes – except maybe a quickie with your mom.

The penis is evil. - 69%

Zodijackyl, April 1st, 2014

The first two Hades Archer demos were pretty bad, but this maturation from the band's formative era proves them to be a grower, not a shower. Their blasting, sleazy black/thrash has become both better at blasting and more sleazy, but you knew the second one because this is called Penis Metal. Pe-nis! Me-tal! Pe-nis! Me-tal! Certainly the greatest evolution is that the band went from a forgettable blasty blur into working some overt and prominent hooks into the music as a whole. The blast beats are unrelenting as ever, perhaps moreso, but the melodies are simple and catchy, the rhythms constant, and the vocals starting to actually lead the music. How could you repeatedly shout "penis metal" without it being the most memorable thing about it? One of the biggest assets of Penis Metal is its length - it is under 11 minutes long, which is in the sweet spot for relentless, one-speed black/thrash. It's gimmicky, but it doesn't wear out it's welcome, burning through three sub-two-minute songs to finish, including the title track in the middle, and the last track which seems to mostly be shouting "puta" (Spanish for "bitch").

This isn't very good, but it's entertaining. It's dumb and catchy, yet remarkably redeemeed by the absurdity of it all. You've listened to worse things for worse reasons than spending eleven minutes on Penis Metal.

The great erector - 70%

Andromeda_Unchained, April 1st, 2014

The world of heavy metal is home to all manner of weird and wonderful acts, and I feel it’s come to a point now where you can find something to suit every mood or need. Hades Archer gives the world penis metal, and whilst the hilarity of the titling may wear off quickly, the material is surprisingly pretty fucking good. What was once flaccid is now erect.

Towering and virile, Hades Archer deliver a quick, and to the point blast of black/thrash, which is pretty much over before it begins, although I’m sure many of us are familiar with that notion (hey ho). This is fast and furious, heinous music that should without doubt create trouser-tension for fans of the black metal first wave (plenty of Venom and Celtic Frost going on) or even those of some earlier second wave bands, as I detect a slight hint of Darkthrone.

I will admit that prior to listening to the release I was expecting something a little more absurd, but the title track does a good job in delivering the giggles, thanks to its brazen approach and superb pronunciation. A pulsating, triumphant number which slays prostitutes and ruptures innards accordingly. Other particularly well-endowed numbers like “The Strech (Cadaver On The Cross)” or the killer “Gloria Rex Infernus” show the band dishing out the riffs and hanging dong, with the latter featuring some particularly raucous sections.

The end result is proud, veiny and manly; a real solid release which I can’t really fault on a musical level. Plenty of filthy, thrashing riffs ensure the head bangs, and the meat swings. Altogether Hades Archer serve up the kind of music best suited to the dark and dingy pub environment housing raw aggression in spades. Not exactly the best band doing this style; but a sock load of fun, and well, you know, PENIS METAL.

Not what you expected - 89%

Alhadis, April 1st, 2014

Right. What's to expect from a band with the admittedly unassuming name of "Hades Archer" when it releases an EP named "PENIS METAL"...? Surely the juxtaposition of those two 5-letter words will leave you passing this band off as a dumb gimmick, but surprise, surprise, there's actually more than meets the eye here. As hard as it is to stuff this review with innuendo and dick jokes, I'll try and stiffen my demeanour long enough to make an honest attempt at describing what we have here.

Musically, this Chilian power duo play a pretty raw, thrashy style of old-school black metal in the vein of Impaled Nazarene, with some nods to more modern "war metal" acts like Deströyer 666 and Infernal War. The EP tears off with no subtlety whatsoever, with the opening track "The Stench..." kicking off with a pretty sweet riff that immediately grabs the listener's bemused attention by the balls, who was probably half-expecting a tongue-in-cheek wall of noisy low-fi crap.

The next few tracks follow in much the same affair, not really straying too far from the traditional formulas employed by "newer old-school" black metal bands. The record closes with a pretty decent cover of Sodom's "Pretenders to the Throne", slotting in nicely with the already tastefully thrashy flow established by the previous tracks.

Again, the band's musicianship caught me off-guard... probably due to the title, as well as the unfortunate fact that so many subpar black metal projects happen to originate from that corner of the world. If there's any real criticism to be drawn, I could argue that the mix here is pretty muddy, but the number of fucks the band clearly gives is plainly written in the record's title. I'm not sure what these guys were setting out to achieve when they decided to name their release PENIS METAL, but it sure as fuck couldn't have been a quest to attain the highest level of credibility for their efforts. The riffs and aggression of this record suggest they were at least partially serious... in either case, lovers of thrashing old-school black metal would do well to suss this band's material out.

Longwanger - 69%

lord_ghengis, April 1st, 2014

Thrusting itself into the bulging subgenre of blackened thrash chaos that is war metal is Penis Metal, the third effort of Hades Archer. While from what I've gathered their previous works were more in line with straight ahead black metal, this brief EP certainly inserts them deep within the narrower confines of what Chile has gained notoriety for. By and large you're getting what you expect from the sub-subgenre; short songs at high tempos, sloppy and careless vocals, plenty of turbulent blasting accentuated by firm, rapid strokes around the kit, a thick, throbbing and meaty production and a lot of simple thrashy, grinding riffs with a black metal attitude. This is blunt, violent music which wastes no time before skinning you alive; they've got a lot of spunk. If the sound in general makes your balls ache this won't change anything, but there is enough here to appreciate for those partial for this particular form of punishment.

The real defining master stroke of this is really the production values. While certainly a rough ride for any listener, the band has been careful enough to leave in enough range for some undulating dynamics to spurt through the traditionally rigid and unadorned vitriol. The feverishly undulating range in the sound helps the riffs never feel overly flat and muffled, with many brighter notes having the ability to spray a white light over the deep brown which makes up the bulk of the style quite pleasingly. The more overt lead guitar jerking is also given its time to flop around in the open, such as the guitar solo in the opener or the lead parts in the title track, which gives the generally messy and dripping affair a more memorable side, at the cost of a little destructiveness.

Not to say some solid pieces of riffwork don't sneak in the back door through all the surprisingly pallateable chaos. "Gloria Rex Infernvs", the clear stand out of the release, opens with a delightfully twisted and chaotic swarm of notes and riffs which jerk and tug in unexpected directions and swirl back in one on another like a coil of excrement. Sadly moments of brilliance of this standard are typically scattered and finish prematurely, so I can't say this brief little EP really delivers a huge amount to write home about. Basically, Hades Archer have erected nicely energetic war metal EP with an uncharacteristically inviting production style, but without the riffing excellence of a Blasphemophagher or the out and out extremity of a Revenge; it's good enough and entertaining but nothing that will make your pants feel tighter.


Phallastic? - 45%

oneyoudontknow, April 1st, 2014

Hades Archer are not a band that fans need to cocker. Their Penis Metal output is not a Cock-A-Doodle-Do with Sodom dancing around in shoe', but apparent the result of some intense fellatio or the all too common deep throat extravaganza of the underground, like some might call it. Whilst some bands prefer to suck it off and stick to what some have to offer in scale or style, others are merely masturbating over the grandeur of the performance of their archetypes. It feels like a comparison of various types of penises in which all try to outdo each other somehow.

Yes, a level other bands never dared to touch with a 20 inch dong – Diabolical Penis Mysticism, As the Penises Rise, Penis in Flames – is being proudly presented by the Chilean band Hades Archer. Penis Metal says it all. Cock-driven metal and no compromises or sheath has been used. This is the dirty disgusting deal that no one has actually asked for. They jacked it off and spread it over the analogue tape reel for everyone to enjoy – no, there is no Slow, Deep and Hard in this case. No ma'am, Hades Archer are the old-school type and never leave a doubt about it. Bathory, Venom, Hellhammer … ah fuck, the band has Freud all over it.

In some respect it is a pity that the band does not offer something akin to Godemiché when it comes to samples, because this is exactly what a release with such a title actually points towards. What is a penis in the manly environment of the metal scene without some form of penetration or sexual arousal? Of course subjugation is of some importance and it is often “done” towards some heavily spirit or being. Whether the actual setting on the cover artwork even indicates possible necrophiliac tendencies cannot be said for certain. Also the lyrics, even though they are clear on the general attitude of the band, are surprisingly tame and unoffensive, while the aforementioned topic has been left out.

It feels like a relic. This ep is hardly anything that a lot of people would dare to enjoy. It reminds on Chatroulette with one person standing naked and exposed in front of the camera; presenting himself to whoever might want to enter a chat with him. This person simply remains in this way, remains impotent and with never any action taking place. And what else could they have done? Peeing sessions had been done by Nattefrost already, so how do you want to gather some attention or praise, then? Well, this is the problem that exists with Hades Archer. With a cock loaded and ready they hope to find reach out to metal fans of the underground, to motivate them to get fucked and stuffed. Yet, considering how many of them have been banged by countless bands already, most of them will look down on the Chileans and wrinkle their ass over what they have to offer. Yes, the title of this release would be “Penis Metal”, but it has never a chance to present itself properly. It is there and no one actually cares about it. Ne

-29% because the cover art's dick isn't big enough - 71%

MutantClannfear, April 1st, 2014

"The operative word I would use to describe this album would be 'penisy'. It's like a big, floppy, flaccid penis."

Let's put any questions you might have about the album aside for now to ask a much more important one: how the hell does this manage to be so sincerely good? It's from Chile. It's war metal. The name is nothing short of totally generic. The music is superficially designed to be less intelligent than a boozed-up Jungle Rot. Seemingly the only indicator that this album might be even remotely redeemable is the fact that it's titled as Penis Met- well actually yeah, that's a perfectly good explanation for why this works as an album. Most bestial black/death bands are "self-aware", meaning they know of the stereotypes that have been hammered into the genre for almost two decades now but are too lazy to work around them. This album takes the entire genre a step further, with its title or nothing else: the focus has shifted from genital-related desecration of holiness (raping nuns, desecrating virgins, etc.) to genitals itself. No more "Whore of Bethlehem", just... Penis Metal. The band have decided that the penis, the most glorified spear of blasphemy, is metal enough in its own right; and it's for this reason, this audacity displayed, that the music is surprisingly great.

I will admit right off the bat that this breed of dirty, ballistic black/death/thrash metal is not something I listen to especially often, but Penis Metal is certainly one of the most well-executed realizations I've heard of it to date. The music doesn't really feel like what I'd call an ultimate, uninhibited realization of war metal - it's quite tame as far as these things go, really - but what it does have is the amount of ridiculousness that's required for a band of this type to avoid being utterly mediocre. The music is still mostly generic, of course, but on the other hand it's legitimately catchy and riffy in a way that I feel most similar music fails to capture to such an extent. The raw and fuzzy but relatively forceful, pleasantly downtuned guitars cruise forward in straightforward lines of tremolo like ballistic missiles, ascending in predictable but nevertheless enjoyable "dread-inspiring" chord progressions. Personally I think it's at its best in the more chaotic songs like "The Stench (Cadaver on the Cross)" and the back half of the title track, but the solos and slower, more dirge-like riffs are both decent enough. (I feel the need to note, though, that the slower sections are rather unwelcome specifically when the band make that kind of stuff bookend a faster section and the music suddenly, unpleasantly slows down - Hades Archer obviously thrive on momentum more than anything, so suddenly removing it to play a relatively plodding riff with a less-than-crushing guitar tone isn't the most exciting turn for the songwriting to take.)

I think the real kicker about this for me, aside from the predictably awesome, blast-heavy drum performance (with such a satisfying tone, too - the snares hit heavy as hell and the cymbals all shine brightly through the mix), is that all the riffs are legitimately memorable. Most war metal is a horridly unappealing pile of semi-melodic nonsense which values neither melody nor the chaotic insanity of a band like Revenge; it assumes the neutral position and comes out accomplishing nothing as a result. This feels like the band took just enough time to remember that metal, by definition, needs riffs, and by golly are there riffs. Are they great riffs? No, but they're memorable, and in tandem with the constantly snare-pounding rhythms they're the kind of stuff you end up humming while you idly stroll about your house. So riff-salady, to an extent, but plenty of fun while it's actually on.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the vocals. On one hand, they're certainly quite emphatic and full of a certain charm that's pretty difficult to emulate; the vocalist's quick bursts of barely-coherent syllables make him sound like the kind of guy you'd want to chat up at a show over a beer or two. They're just likable. But then again they sound shabby in an objectively incorrect manner: there's simply not enough rasp in the vocal performance to sound as malevolent as is warranted by music this ridiculously fun. They feel strangely weak as a result, partially buried under the guitars like a short five-year-old squeaking "LET ME SEE LET ME SEE" as a surrounding crowd blocks him from seeing the most well-endowed man on Earth.

Still, its shortcummings aside, Penis Metal is a worthwhile offering if only because the mindset driving it leads to some pretty decently-executed, reckless war metal. You have to realize, this album does for war metal what goregrind did to death metal - zoomed in with a microscope until the most irrelevant minutiae of the previous lyrical theme were being analyzed, and stumbling upon something great as a result. In the same way that Carcass shifted extreme metal's focus from violent murder and death to the anatomical results of such violence, to some extent Penis Metal offers the thought experiment: what if there is no greater blasphemy on Earth than the dagger of nature itself? This is an album so infatuated with cocks that the only other thing the title tells you is the genre of what's being played. That takes at least some sort of genius, and like most extreme metal-related things it manifests as a rather mentally retarded form of genius, but idiot savants deserve recognition for their successes all the same.

Highly recommended, especially if you've ever heard the intense pulsing and spasming of a good metal song and your mind drifted to the most natural, primal process of thought: "man, this would go great with getting pounded by a massive dick."

A short war - 75%

tomcat_ha, April 1st, 2014

Perhaps you know that for a long time I have been into the classic South American primitive, powerful, raging, ripping and energetic black/death/thrash sound as first done by Sarcófago. Sathanas was even one of the first 2 covers I learned with my band for example. Often this style gets called war metal because of its wild and more over ”bestial” nature. Also there even are a couple other schools of war metal as can be found in for example Canada (Ross bay cult eternal!) and Australia and they all have originally taken from the South American sound. This EP is basically a short slab in this style.

Now for the first question regarding this EP: is this just another generic war metal EP? Well then you have to remember initially that this is by now of course a long existing and well established specific substyle. Personally I have found out that there are a lot of people who only like the albums that have pioneered a (sub)style. I do not belong to this rather awkward school of thought. I believe that what is most important is that a band has a strong own identity and then infuses this within their sound in a proper manner.

So this returns us to the first question. Is this a generic EP? I say no, I say that they belong to a long established sound but give it their own spin by mixing in some primordial extreme metal influences in a different manner than most releases of this style. This slab of metal music has a noticeably larger black/speed element in their sound and even a slight touch of Swedish black metal instead of the more common thrash metal base this specific substyle usually has and of course the largest main influence is still Sarcófago of course.

Now we are on to the 2nd question of course related to the first. Is this EP worth to listen to? I have to say yes. This is a very fun short EP. Suitable for both casual fans of the genre and the ones who are more deeply into it. This is a well produced and well mixed sounding album. The drums are clear and powerful, the bass is there, the guitars have a good and potent tone and thrash the place to the ground. The vocals are in my opinion the weakest aspect by merely being above average.
To conclude I am not going to say this is a piece of total brilliance but this is pretty much as good as the style gets without being a gem.

Metallic Ithyphallic - 57%

Nightgaunt, April 1st, 2014

Feeling a bit tense? Can't quite seem to sit still? Perhaps you're feeling tired but can't seem to get to sleep. Fear not, Skullcrusherhammer and Nabucodonosor (the Third) have set their idle hands to work in erecting another cairn of bishop-bashing metal impurity to raise your head from its thatch of ennui. But have they managed to toss off the stylistic uncertainties that previously sheathed their energy and stifled their earlier efforts like so much insensate latex?

'Penis Metal' is a relatively nascent release, representing the solidification of the group's identity into its full rigid form for the first time in its career. Previous recordings by Hades Archer see the band briskly jerking its sound and direction to and fro between its Continental and Americas-based influences, ranging from sneering sleazy devilthrash wrung from the well-plumbed gizzard of the Extreme 80s on 'Daughter of Perversion' to the single-minded furor of the assorted bellicose A-listers of the early 90s more evident on 'We Are a Black Image into the Fire.' To its credit, and unlike these earlier rehearsals, 'Penis Metal' no longer comes off as a priapistic paean to a motley jumble of the band's iconic influences; it is its own distinct beast, a relatively natural-sounding reconciliation of the disparate influences so lovingly (if clumsily) fondled during the band's rehearsal periods (not that this is a particularly remarkable feat of compositional virility, mind, given that most of those influences make for fairly natural bedfellows).

The problem is that this reconciliation seems to have been rather stiffly achieved, mostly through a process of unavoidable broad-stroke reduction rather than one of honing or fine-tuning. While it's true that the band has (perhaps wisely) curtailed or in some cases fully abandoned its attempts at emulating those aspects of its most obvious inspirations that early proved to be beyond its technical/compositional means, the sad truth is that the majority of what's left over tends to be very unassuming and workmanlike material that would probably fill an interstitial or backdrop role in a more vibrant band; while the wall of pummeling blasts and blanketfire fusillade of whirring tremolo riff-fragments do work together more or less organically, they are left responsible for far too much of the band's overall thrust. There are bits of faint praise I could probably reach for here--occasionally one will hear a drum fill that's more truly martial in tone than that typical of this sort of war metal base, etc.--but doing so would obfuscate the point, that the majority of Penis Metal's sonic mass is strictly pragmatic wanking. Furious, passionate wanking perhaps, but wanking nonetheless; strictly a means to an end, if you will. Now, granted, in this style of music that assessment is not actually as damning as it may initially seem; energy and resolve count for a lot here, and Hades Archer has these...they just lack much else. Most of the band's individual identity elides from their sudden departures into the realm of swaggering 80s lead guitar histrionics; some of these segments work better than others, but the point is that they are all memorable landmarks over a ~15 minute album that tends to sound like one long song.

Indeed, the upshot of all this, and the main problem with the EP as a whole, is that it blows its load astonishingly early. 'Stench (Cadaver on the Cross)' sees the band at its most virile, and it's no wonder they decided to kick off with it; here, the rhythm instruments come together to form a fairly engaging sprinting deathmarch, and Nabucodonosor's delivery of the group's sundry proclamations of the pleasurable act of tolling the bells of the end is more convincing (largely a function of the rhythm of the song being more conducive to pauses and emphases in delivery, methinks) than in most other parts of the EP, where his somewhat labored vocal ejaculations tend to join the general sonic morass as one more layer of time-killer. 'Stench' also features the EP's choicest bit of leadwork, more effective than most by dint of its placement at the song's true climax, as opposed to at its end or its obvious breakpoint. From this point it's all downhill, though...

...'Gloria Rex Infernus' is the semi-requisite pacebreaking track, and while one can appreciate that Hades Archer has enough awareness to see the value in including such a track, its relative degree of understatement underscores how thin their arsenal really is, with the vocalizations tending to become the most dominating aspect of the song despite their downplayed delivery. The title track is a declarative demi-anthem that exists for almost purely aesthetic reasons (I won't fault them for this because I think this is exactly as they intended); 'Dignitas' is the compositional nadir, a vague, brief blur of rattling and clanging that doesn't even have the constant of the vocals to fall back on, as the switch to Spanish lyrics in this song suddenly requires 'ol Nabu to cram twice as many syllables into a third of the space of the more substantial earlier tracks; 'Objeto' is for all practical intents and purposes the same song as 'Penis Metal.' Hmm....a pair of grimy highlight tracks followed by a short extent of insensate and ineffectual filler material, almost as if the album was for some reason abruptly cut off at the end....interesting, that. Suggestive. Even 'Freudian', some might say. Oh, well, I suppose there's the little matter of the Sodom cover at the end, by far the most dynamic track on offer, and the one that the band sounds most truly aroused while playing....but I'm not personally one to give too much credit for using somebody else's move at the point of climax.

While Hades Archer convincingly demonstrates enough raw energy and desire sufficient to render even the most onanistic sleazemonger's Left Hand Palm more hirsute than it surely already is, in the end, their infirm overeliance on a decidedly circumspect bag of tricks to lube up the job only serves to bring their still very serious shortcomings in composition and riffcraft to the fore. Skin and bone, that's all this is, I'm afraid; an ultimately forgettable EP that climaxes prematurely and ends up feeling drained and flaccid as a result.

Iron rod phallus - 78%

thejuicebitch, April 1st, 2014

Despite the word PENIS being in the title of this record, Hades Archer’s first EP (and third release overall) is actually a rather strong and serious effort. Expect well-executed, no-frills black-thrash in the vein of Sarcofago and Archgoat.

The riffs are suitably evil and memorable and at just over 15 minutes (including the Sodom cover), this is a record that can be easily played again and again without being bored or fatigued. All performances on the EP are very tight yet lively, with the vocals locked into the barb-wire onslaught of guitar and drums resting upon a distorted bass guitar. This is clearly a well-rehearsed effort and if you’re looking for sloppy metal you’ve come to the wrong place - no floppy dicks here.

The sonics of Penis Metal is where Hades Archer really excel, with an abundance of space, clarity and separation along with the rawness and fury so crucial for black-thrash. With particular regard to certain elements of the recording/mix, the snare drum is especially powerful and the cymbals feel airy with plenty of sizzle. The guitars are deliciously crunchy and have plenty of bite and presence, delivering riff upon riff. The odd solo or lead here and there adds to the texture of the music quite nicely.The vocals feel suitably blasphemous and as a bonus, some of the songs feature lyrics delivered in the band’s local tongue which is always a nice touch when properly done. PUTA!!

If PENIS METAL were a penis it would be strong and hard. The one main flaw of the EP is that there aren't really any "spark of brilliance" moments which can push it beyond the 80% mark and its a bit of a shame since everything else is carried out so competently. Still, its a worthy release that deserves listening, and at 15 minutes long, I suppose it serves as a good introduction to the band's music. If PENIS METAL were a penis it would be strong and hard and could possibly be used as a weapon. Good job Hades Archer!

Short and to the point, but not that great - 35%

Subrick, April 1st, 2014

This is gonna be a hard record to review. Not because the music found on Hades Archer's 2008 EP Penis Metal (there's an album title you can bring home to mom and dad) is some stalwart example of how to "properly" do black metal and thus will give me more material than I know what to do with, but because this release is so musically thin that it's just going to be difficult to find things to talk about. It's basically every single super lo-fi, blast-and-tremolo-ad-nauseum black metal disc you've ever heard in your life, just with an amusing, attention grabbing title. I for one have never been too big on that type of black metal (save bands like Marduk, Dark Funeral, and old Emperor), so already this record isn't in my favor that much. Still, to give credit where credit is due, the two guys on this disc are proficient enough in their instrumental skills to not be as sloppy as, say, Immortal with Abbath on drums.

The thing to know when Penis Metal is first popped in is that all five songs here sound exactly the same. Each song is a cornucopia of nonstop blasting and tremolo picking, with the only real differences between the tunes being their respective runtimes. The first two songs just barely outrun the last three songs in cumulative track time, and they suffer for it. "Gloria Rex Infernvs" in particular becomes very stale and worn out about 1:30 in. The last three songs are all "grind" length, and it works much more in the songs' favors to be under 2 minutes apiece, yet there's still no variation to be found from the EP's formula. Really unless you're a seasoned veteran of this particular breed of black metal, you won't find much here to enjoy outside of the crazed brutality of the songs, which is accentuated by the appropriately basement quality production values. At least it's shorter than the average 90s Opeth song was.

As mentioned, the two members of Hades Archer (who have names I'm too lazy to remember the spelling for, so I shall from this point on refer to them as Conquistador Uno [guitarist and vocalist] and Conquistador Dos [drummer]). Conquistador Dos is the star of the show, blasting with reckless abandon and, to my surprise, with pinpoint accuracy a fair amount of the time, which is a feat when you consider the godawful standards of playing usually found on these types of black metal releases. Conquistador Uno is similarly proficient in his guitar skills, and his vocals for the first two songs reminded me of Wagner Lamounier or a young Max Cavalera, which isn't surprising considering it's obvious that a group like Sarcofago was Hades Archer's main influence. Regardless, there just isn't enough here for anybody that's not a die hard fan of manic, overly blasty black metal, so unless you're one of those types, I don't recommend spending the 11 minutes Penis Metal on something you won't find all that satisfying.

the phallus of ages - 66%

Metal_Detector, April 1st, 2014

Pick up the shittiest headphones you can find, don your Kanwulf raincoat, and bend over verily, for a torrent of auditory skinflutes cascades upon you from the very beginning of Hades Archer's intellectually titled Penis Metal. There really isn't much to say, and there certainly are few questions to ask when these copious grains hit the fair lady's face, as they do here from the very first second to the nine hundredth (depending on which version you're being subjected to, there may be fewer of them).

Penis metal is war metal of a fair caliber, launching two minute assault after two minute assault of simple repetitive riffs which walk the line between first wave BM and Teutonic thrash. The production is suitably raw, yet clean enough to glean every individual aspect of the sound. The vocals, which arrive in flurries of short barks, snarls, and howling, are slightly masked behind the continuous, dense onslaught of pounding drums and churning guitar riffs. You won't mind though, because the vocals are hardly a focal point of the songs, where the only two nuances are 'fast' and 'all the time.' The riffs themselves are nothing you haven't heard before, but one can't fault them for their loyalty to viciousness and little else. If you want variety, progressive elements, acoustic breaks, or clean vocals, it's best to put Hades Archer's music down and turn back to your secret Hall & Oates albums. Come on, we all know you have them.

Penis metal ultimately succeeds at what it attempts to do. Its one track mind may have all the substance and longevity of a quickie in the office supply cabinet, but it does leave you sufficiently battered and bruised when the barbaric coitus is over--if you're into that sort of thing. The length is short, but the girth is admirable.

All Cock, No Balls - 40%

autothrall, April 1st, 2014

Not the deepest of dickings, nor a particularly memorable one, because by the time you're about to climax Hades Archer has already expended itself and moved along to the next willing victim. That said, if you're into a rough ride with your blackened war-metal, I can promise you that there's absolutely no romance or foreplay with this EP, just in and out thrusts the pitchfork as your ears are creamed with a violent load of functional blast beats, harsh rhythm guitars which have all the complexity and nuance of a gaggle of grinding sluts you could find in any inner city, and ravenous rasps and barks that talk dirty to you about the Devil's host, bestial acts involving his pet goats and hounds (maybe both at the same time), and a whole lotta damned souls, dead rising, fire and blood.

Arguably, this brand of ultra-violent Underworld bloodlust blew its wad about a decade prior, when bands like Impiety, Impaled Nazarene, Blasphemy and Bestial Warlust took it to its logical, licentious end with an orgy of rehashed thrash, death, punk and heavy metal riffs played at X-rated, savage speeds where the only given atmosphere was its own coked up velocity. There's almost nothing present on Penis Metal which really distinguishes the group from its skull-fornicating forefathers, apart from a few español chileno lyrics. Having said that, it's my experience that a lot of studs into this style don't give a particular damn. Fuck and forget, throw the horns, strap-on your bullet belts and pentagram necklaces for a night and there goes the goddamn neighborhood! Only with less Ice-T. It took longer to read the band members' stage names than to make up my mind on this music, and that's never a good sign! It's little more than pure, testosterone-driven blasphemy predicated on a passion for barbarism, misanthropy, and 'because we can' attitude that precludes much of an chance at any poignant songwriting or malevolent nuance.

That's right: it's not nearly as demonic as it wishes it were, and that's a symptom most bands like this just can't overcome. No patience. Coitus inter-ruptured. Premature e-jerk-ulation. The rhythm guitar riffs lack any semblance of creepiness or diabolic, compelling note placement, nor do the frenzied leads which careen across the chords like drunks fiddling their zippers. Variation is all but alien to this duo, they have clearly not consulted their Kama Sutra and insist on just one position, which transforms the pounding drums into a monotonous, incendiary clamor and makes me quite happy that this was such a short session and you can move on to a more virile client. The super smutty secret Sodom cover circa 1986 is actually the best thing about the EP, because it showcases the mark bands like this are aiming for and falling short of, without any need to consult other sources. Hades Archer improved their libidos considerably for the later full-lengths (For the Diabolical Ages in particular is pretty fun), but Penis Metal is a spent contraceptive full of wannabeEvilSeed lying limp in the sewers of Perdition, just beneath the Moulin Splooge.


Puta. - 80%

Diamhea, April 1st, 2014

Well, I have to be honest here. I didn't expect Penis Metal to boast anything even approaching passable production values. Hades Archer proved me wrong and put together a sepulchral shot to the arm of black/thrash that is at the very least worthy of the CD (or vinyl, whatever) it occupies. Penis Metal is certainly more black than it is thrash, but Hades Archer was prudent enough to adopt some of the best attributes from both genres and earns great vitriolic returns as a result.

That said, Hades Archer clearly takes more away from fellow South Americans Sarcófago than anybody, distilling their swarming riffs and invasive drums into a leaner, sebum-laced whole. Some of Penis Metal gets quite fucking heavy at times, although this is probably a more apt tribute to the acts Hades Archer draws influence from rather than Penis Metal on its own. You have to give Antezana some credit at least, because he can really pump out some churning, dissonant riffs that sound straight out of Limbonic Art's The Ultimate Death Worship in their abrasive tonality. His crunchy distortion isn't as overwhelming as said full-length, but the atmosphere summoned elicits some parallels. The melodies are dissonant, but not so labyrinthine that they become bewildering. Much of Penis Metal strikes a healthy balance between the arcane and the perspicuous, so it certainly has that much going for it.

Clares' performance on the drums hardly sets any records in the speed category, but he can lay down some solid faster thrash patterns interspersed with the occasional burst of controlled blasting. The only sonic gripe I really have with Penis Metal is regarding the cymbals, they are mixed too upfront and their swells can be way too much to handle at times. Clares' one moment of indisputable glory is certainly on the Sodom cover "Pretenders to the Throne," during which he busts out a disorienting drum solo that segues into the animosity proper. The bass drum plugs away with tenacity alongside a relatively snappy snare, so there isn't too much to complain about there. Not the most creative drummer ever, but he gets the job done.

There are a few imbalances that need to be rubbed out, primarily regarding the leadwork and the vocals. The leads are as expected, rather scarce. Regardless, they are pretty phoned in and lame, like the melody that surfaces at a couple of points during "Gloria Rex Infernvs." It isn't necessary and adds little of marked value, the atmosphere summoned by the gurgling riffs is already there in spades anyway. The solos fare slightly better, but I can't help but feel that I am sort of missing the point regarding them. Black metal of this cryptic caliber is honestly all Greek to me, so I can perhaps chalk it up to that.

Antezana is neither here nor there from a vocal standpoint. His animated barking has potential, and you can at least sense that he is giving it his all. Regardless, if I ever hear the word puta again after suffering through the otherwise passable "Objeto," I might do...something. I don't know exactly what, but I can tell you one thing: Hades Archer certainly have the potential to get metalheads' rocks off with their gritty, atonal stylings and recondite demeanor. Penis Metal is a decent snapshot of the band in its early stages (they undoubtedly improved), and serves as a decent jump-off point into harsher realms of auditory acerbity. Hey, I dig this well enough. Hades Archer inspires me to grab a gun and join the diabolic cause of South American war metal. For honor, for glory, forever: Penis Metal!

What it lacks in length, it makes up in girth - 84%

Emanon, April 1st, 2014

They say that size doesn't matter - it's how you use it. This EP doesn't even come out to 11 minutes, but they make the most of it. This is black metal of the oldest school; think Bathory's first two albums, but with rock-hard, throbbing intensity. Mix in some Tormentor - the title track wouldn't be out of place on Anno Domini. Hell, the opening riff on the EP is much the same as the opening riff on Slayer's Show No Mercy.

This EP is full of stiffening buildups and orgasmic climaxes. The solos are a glorious, sticky mess. The drums thrust and pound relentlessly. If there's a complaint to be had here, it gets a bit flaccid by the end - Dignitas is barely a song at 1:23, and Objeto is just annoying.

But by the time you've wiped up, and maybe grabbed a snack, you'll be ready to crank it up for another 10 minutes.

Viva Chile, conchesumares - 79%

RageW, April 1st, 2014

Pretty much every band; black metal band, in the end, is ideologically about penises. Good black metal, bad black metal; every single one of them, for it is a rule that the power of Satan is phallic and that is the root of his strength. Now, I need not to say that Hades Archer, by releasing this album, have achieved the zenith of black metal as an aesthetic, completely ideological movement, for it is truly an obvious fact. However, it is also pretty decent from a purely musical, listenable standpoint.

Penis Metal might not be the most original black metal album, but it is certainly the most sincere. It tells you what its essence is right on the title, and it delivers on that premise with an onslaught of extremely evil tremolo riffs, blast beats never-ending, and a Chilean fellow with such a thick accent I really have to wonder if he just recited all of the english lyrics in phonetic Spanish. Not that this is detrimental to the quality, because the feeling is so very, very honest and pure and stunningly admirable. Such conviction, by itself, is heart-wrenching.

Picking a stand-out track is a bit difficult since the EP is rather short and too cohesive; it flows evenly, so thinking of everything in terms of such banal terms like songs doesn't do it justice. There are catchy riffs, evil riffs, fast riffs, but never, never any actually bad riffs; that in itself is a huge accomplishment, because it's rare to find consistency in black metal, so I'd say, especially in this decade. Penis Metal comes and goes, but its legacy will forever stay with us. As for me, I shall saturate my ears with the beauty of a pure idea brought to life.

Well, It's Loud. - 40%

Oblarg, April 1st, 2014

I must confess, I'm rather disappointed by this release. I mean, I'd expect an EP sporting a title as attention-grabbing as "Penis Metal" to be at least somewhat out there, but, push come to shove, this is rather pedestrian.

You've got guitars that ramble on in an aggressive wall-of-sound fashion. They occasionally wander into an interesting idea, but consistently fail to develop into anything particularly engaging or memorable. They're accompanied by drums that do pretty much the same thing, starkly contrasting the bass, which appears to do nothing at all. The vocalist growls along competently enough. Every song is essentially the same thing, with the second track perhaps standing out a bit by actually attempting something of a melody (can you call it that?) at the beginning and end, and occasionally something that sort of sounds like a guitar solo buried in the background. That's really it. This description might seem half-assed, but that's because the music itself is so incredibly barebones. You can't really say any more about this; if you want loud, abrasive aggression with little variation, then this is for you.

So, what does this actually have to do with dongs? As far as I can tell, pretty much nothing. It's a shame, really. You'd think a band would only embark on an endeavor like this after some massive quantity of phallic inspiration, but such is nowhere to be found. Even the titular track does little to justify the name - we get a few growls of "PENIS," and that's it. Really, guys? One would think it'd be hard to disappoint on this front, but there you have it.

It's over before you've finished - 78%

Razakel, April 1st, 2014

Just when you thought you'd seen everything heavy metal could possibly offer, you get your ass handed to you by a mini-album of black thrashing madness called Penis Metal by a Chilean band you've never heard of. It's moments like these that remind me why metal endures in my life; no matter how deeply I delve into it, it never ceases to surprise, and when it does, this surprise turns into understanding, sparking a renewed thirst to delve yet deeper.

Oh, we're not fucking around here, gentlemen.

I don't know much else about Hades Archer, but Penis Metal rules because it showcases a band that obviously grew up on a disturbing dose of Sodom demos and Venom vinyl, but pay their dues in a way that doesn't sound at all cheap, lame, or retro (which are all synonymous words anyway). In an age of exhausted whoredom among newer thrash bands, this is reassuring. From the very first note, the album is extremely direct in its approach, consisting only of fast-as-hell riff driven songs which scarcely last for more than two minutes. Most of the riffs are catchy, but really, speed and aggression over substance and memorability is the rule here, which, in my mind, really isn't necessarily a detriment when it comes to this brand of booze-fueled black/thrash. The release definitely isn't without its memorability, though. The opening track begins with the lyric: "Raped by the hounds of Satan; / In shreds the flesh of Christ", which I find has a similar charm to the opening lyric off the title track of Death's Scream Bloody Gore. Meanwhile, the chorus of the title track on Penis Metal makes me want to sprint naked through Times Square while a numberless mass of people make way for my prancing form like the parting of an ocean, and down from the heavens relentlessly blares:


Alas, the fantasies of man destined never to be realized. What we can take solace in, however, is the knowledge that, with Penis Metal, Hades Archer have erected an album that displays metal in its most primal state; masculinity unadulterated, and yet somehow not coming off as petty or unforgivably misogynistic. This shit will put pubes on your chest. It's poignant yet playful. It's Penis Metal, and if it doesn't at least tickle your libido, then I'm not quite sure what to subscribe for you, and I'd advise you to go see another doctor.

the next generation - 88%

RapeTheDead, April 1st, 2014

For many ages, the phallus has been depicted by (a mostly patriarchal) humankind as a symbol of power. Like a sword, it is firm when it needs to be and punishes without regret; its strength is uncompromising, its flexibility apparent, its allure never questioned. Such a symbol seems like a perfect fit for the nasty yet refined war metal Hades Archer brings us with this release, short in running time but great in style and substance. It attacks with a force that is instant and pummels with only the occasional tense, yet sensual groove of a shrill black metalesque melody as a means by which to ease the throbbing force.

The music is spastic, but there's enough refinement in its motion that the riffs are fairly easy to discern apart from one another, although they tend to be fairly similar nonetheless like the rapid force of pelvic thrusts. Most closely related to mid-90s punky black metal that never quite made it big like Tsatthoggua, Penis Metal has a thrashing force to it that is both informed of modern trends and as primitive as it would have been back in the day. One of the biggest draws of this release is in its surprising cleanliness. Once you remove all the smegma from the grimy war metal aesthetic, you're left with what tend to be fairly interesting and leading sections of some sort of Impaled Nazarene-esque weirdness backed by spontaneous, frenzied and most importantly tight as fuck drums. Though intentionally written to be completely encompassing in their sonic assault, the skill in the drummer shines through. Surprisingly enough, this manages to stay interesting even amidst the repetition and contribution to a saturated genre. Perhaps it's due to the shorter runtime, but the not-quite-cacophonous riffs with an occasional standalone, almost triumphant melody as a brief moment of partial ejaculation before resuming with the frenzied penetration tends is surprisingly appealing even after a few successive sessions of listening. It's difficult to decide whether this band is attempting to be black metal or death metal, but does it really matter at this point? The goal is to be extreme, fuck genre conventions. Penis Metal must go to lengths never seen before with its brute savagery to affirm its own desire for victorious penetration!

The technique of the Attila-esque moaning behind the whole affair is apparent in occasional twitches, but the performance is a raggedy and might be improvised in certain areas. That never serves as a detractor from the music, however, and Nabucodonosor's certainly huffin' n puffin' behind better material than Mayhem is putting out these days. For those whose want a little taste of the power of the phallus for a few minutes, Penis Metal allows us to bear witness; although clean shaven and looking fresh, it is no less inviting, exciting or terrifying in its penetrative assault in comparison to some of the top tier war metal bands out there today.

You came first and now everybody's disappointed. - 55%

Wilytank, April 1st, 2014

The blackened speed metal sound doesn't really have much room for variation or imagination at this point. Destroyer 666, Bestial Warlust, Hunters Moon, Nocturnal Graves...blast beasts, tremolos, sinister commanding vocals...lyrics about war, Satan, evil, darkness, unholy conquests, yada yada yada. I'd be lying if I said it didn't get tiresome after a while. So when Hades Archer releases an EP in that style, of course I'm not going to expect anything groundbreaking.

When I start the first track, "The Stench", my expectations were met. It's got all the above characteristics I've listed above and more. Actually, the main riff of "The Stench" sounds eerily similar to Destroyer 666's "Raped" making this look even more unoriginal. Beyond that point, the music isn't memorable at all. The blastbeating is near constant for the duration of the EP with very few variations, just some slight changes in tempo from song to song. The vocals sound pretty cool, but the lyrics don't stay interesting. "Objecto" ,for instance, just has the guy yelling "Puta". Yeah I can do without that. They end with a Sodom cover but they happened to choose one of Sodom's sloppier sounding songs to begin with and covered it to make it sound just as sloppy.

There isn't anything more to say about this. If you want blackened speed metal, you've got it here. If you want blackened speed metal that's actually good, well presented, and lives up to the badassery that they show off, go listen to Destroyer 666 instead. I haven't even mentioned the name of the release yet because I couldn't come up with a good enough joke with the title until I was finished with this shitty blurb of a review. But yeah, you know by now it's called Penis Metal. All I have to say about that title is that the band apparently whipped out their dick in an attempt to impress me, but all I did was stand there and say "Dude, just put it away. You think you're special? I've seen every dick in this town; I'm not impressed."

*single slow clap in my audience of seven people*

The Penis is throbbing for action! - 80%

AcidWorm, April 1st, 2014

I really didn’t expect too much here with the name, Penis Metal, and many of the black/thrash bands that hail from South American countries are very lackluster. However, I was quite impressed as this is fairly competent.

Hades Archer play a very aggressive form of black metal that crosses over into war metal territory. The guitars shred away with fast, and thrashy riffs that get very chaotic at times, particularly with Gloria Rex Infernus, and Penis Metal. The drums blast away furiously rarely letting up and the vocals spew out sexual perversions in a choking style akin to the German bands Desaster, and Delerium Tremens. The production is very fitting with everything audible and at an appropriate level in the mix. Nothing is too overpowering. There is a fair bit of fuzz surrounding this and is reminiscent of S.V.E.S.T.’s masterpiece, Urfaust though not quite to that level of rawness. The guitar tone is very aggressive sounding like dirty razor wire and the bass is audible.

The band chooses to focus on short but blasting songs with only one song outside of the Sodom cover being over 3minutes. Every track offers something with the only weak track being Objeto due to repeating the same riff for the whole song. Their Sodom cover, almost reaches the original with their raw and trebly production, and the thrashy riffs really hook you. They really did this song justice and was a nice choice to cover rather than covering one of their more well-known songs. Gloria Rex Infernus is the best song here with its incredible energy and just oozes chaos, as well as containing some epic ascending riffs. This song really reminds me of that S.V.E.S.T. masterpiece as well as Svartsyn’s excellent His Majesty… album; 2 CDs that I am reminded to listen to again as it has been a few years.

While the songs may get a little repetitive at times, the sheer intensity largely makes up for it and the songs are appropriately short so they don’t drag. Overall, this is a solid EP and I look forward to hearing more from these guys.

Standout tracks: Gloria Rex Infernus, Equinox (Sodom cover)

A BIg Juicy Load of War Metal - 80%

orionmetalhead, April 1st, 2014

Prepare your holes! Penis Metal will enter you hard and rough like a strongman named Ricardo whose entire knowledge of making love is informed by skipping ahead in porno movies and watching degradation videos. Much like Ricardo's angry and fast approach to woman parts, Hades Archer's approach to black metal is about as full on as you can wrap your lips around. I think the overall attempt was to create a purely masculine record that no females would want to go near and that only the taughtest of men would appreciate for it's bestial(ity) and hard-on-inducing rage. Even hardened and veteran lionesses will not find any comfort here. Any girl less than Wendy-o-Williams on acid and speed would melt in front of Penis Metal. Get on your knees and suck off the dripping goo that graces the slithering length of this disc because there is nothing here that you can argue with.

Hades Archer are not interested in maturity, songmanship - though it comes through anyway - or appeal. evidenced from the first moments of opening track "The Stretch" is a bombardment of thrusts and pelvic blasphemy aimed at creating a swirling mass of harshness. Bestial Warlust would be so proud of this it would make K.K. Warslut's eyelids get glued closed behind tears and salty crust. The uncompromising rape of this record is so great that it would impress a jury of sexually assaulted soccer moms to the point that they would require rape victims to go through Penis Metal rehabilitation. The immediacy of third track "Dignitas" and the sarcastically paced contrast of "Objeto" is a genius move. With the pacing so punctual and immediate, and with the speed and brevity of Penis Metal forcing awareness before the whole thing falls apart, I would use Penis Metal as an example by which I would measure other contemporary penis metal records to.

Rounding out Penis Metal is a Sodom cover of Pretenders to the Throne. It doesn't really fit and I would much rather have had my asshole filled with the juices of more short and stubby Chilean penis metal tracks. This isn't the most original thing for sure but the whole appeal here is in Hades Archer's obvious appreciation for understanding that these kind of releases are going to go into the collection of some messed up sociopath from Belgium and get played on repeat by unsavory South Americans as they wash the blood from their ball hair. They also end up on the playlists of guys from New Jersey that just love this gritty, no-holds-barred approach to black metal. Penis Metal will coax you to your knees and make you open wide.

Originally written for Contaminated Tones.

It's a man's life in the modern black metal scene - 57%

iamntbatman, April 1st, 2014

Ah, men.

Many a word has been spent, on forums and over eighth glasses of beer in the wee witching hours after a metal gig alike, brains wracked in conflict over one of the most profound problems facing metaldom today: why is it that statistics in metal listenership and performance lean so heavily toward the rougher sex? Though art, science and the spotlight of history have favored men over their fairer counterparts, it's easy enough for any but the blindest to see that history has been shaped by the hands of the victors. That is to say, men. Women have been relegated to second-class citizen (or non-citizen) status in cultures globally for so long now that it's easy to understand how they often face an uphill battle against millennia of historical (and, indeed, current) struggles against the dominance of men in the workplace, politics, science and art. But metal, being only a recent invention, come about in the wiser days of recent yore, is not a thing necessarily drenched in so many aeons of chauvinism and misogyny. So why is it that men still and always have dominated the statistics in metal, where women ought have a voice?

Perhaps Hades Archer have deigned to answer that very question, nearly humbly, yet proudly, on this all-too-brief EP. Written in clear response to the articulate, powerful, resonant verses of Eve Ensler's famously polarizing, ever-controversial opus of the stage, The Vagina Monologues, Hades Archer have here summed up in two brief words what all of metaldom has struggled to understand and articulate for decades now: Penis. Metal. Respect the cock, embrace the metal! Where Ensler's play advocates for the empowerment of the female sex through its very defining organ, Hades Archer here utilize the most basic elements of the primitive male brain as expressed through the might of the riff, itself standing erect as a brazen phallic symbol of maleness.

Manowar were certainly onto something but nevertheless missed the mark; where is the aggression? Why is the homoerotica only hinted at vaguely through such peripherals as merchandise and photo ops? Hades Archer don't bandy around with such indirect trivialities; they instead proclaim, "Penis Metal: metal for men and FUCK." What is there that can be said that isn't summed up in those brief words? The point is only made that much more convincing by virtue of the music that accompanies the message. Devoid utterly of any escapist, romantic leanings, the music here is the distilled essence of the genre as a whole; simple, thrashy blackened riffs soaked to the very core with gallon upon gallon of testosterone, pounded and pounded into submission with the blasting release of war drum bliss splattering ecstatically from hither to yon.

The beer-tinged raspy hollering of one Nabucodonosor, third of his name, bellows forth like a chorus of all MANkind's voices united as one. I beg you to listen to him bludgeon you and your best mates over the head of his incantations of "PUTA! PUTA! PUTA!" and not immediately want to take your shirt off. If anything were ever the soundtrack to body hair cultivation, it is this EP. And why stop at taking your shirt off, really? When the blistering Sodom cover kicks in at the end, it's all one can do to keep from stripping down and wrastlin'. You'll know the power Hades Archer have conjured as you lay exhausted in your best bloke's arms, he in yours, face to face and heart to heart, as Nabucodonsor III beckons you to "spread demoniacal lust....GLORY..." Who could resist, under those circumstances?

Here is an achievement beyond any I've heard before: metal that's heroic, yet not fantastical. Simple, direct, nearly minimalist, yet utterly profound in its message. And that message is this: metal is not and has never been at odds with femininity. Matter of fact, women don't enter into it at all, not the essence of it, anyway. This is the sound of muscles, of sweat, of moustaches, of locker rooms and steel mills. It's something that's been hinted at in the more bestial bands that have been working away at perfecting this sort of approach in South America for decades, but never before has a band managed to so elegantly fuse together in loving entanglement the nigredo of the male psyche, the albedo of unadulterated riffery and the rubedo of raw aggression in the purest alcohest of phallus worship. Hades Archer have here wielded their philosopher's stones and achieved the impossible. Listen to Penis Metal and feel the maleness enter you, warm you, set you free.

Follow us...phollow us...phallowus...phallus...

Chilean Phallic Alloy Proclamation jajajajajajaja - 77%

Metantoine, April 1st, 2014

Hades Archer from Chile is a cool band exploring the tumultuous sounds of extreme(ly) sexual metal. Led by Nabucodonosor III (not his real name!) who's playing everything except the drums, Hades Archer is surprisingly better than most people would expect even though this EP is named “Penis Metal”. Released before their two truly effective full lengths, this twelve minutes record is a cockslap to the face of metal fans worldwide and proves that the South Americans are the sickest metalheads on the planet.

Their brand of black metal blends both the old school attack of their continent, especially the unrelenting attacks of the Brazilians motherfuckers Sarcofago and Vulcano with this huge bestial influence coming from the Destroyer 666 and Blasphemy schools of riffs. Heinous, fast as fuck. violent black metal approaching black/death metal is what is delivered here. The songs are short, blistering attacks with well written heavy, aggressive riffs and simple yet catchy leads. The production is not quite raw for that kind of metal, it's almost professional and why the hell shouldn't it be! The guitars are ferocious, the drums just can't stop their vicious pummelling and the vocals are cavernous and apt at spouting the dirty, “insightful” lyrics (I think the song “Objeto” features the word “puta” 25 times!)


I dare you all not to sing that insanely stupid chorus! Metal is dumb and it's not for prude little soccer moms who's latest musical discovery is John Moyer, Hades Archer knows that and they do their best to be as kvlt and krieg as possible. Fuck intellectualism, we're not here for that. We're here to talk about penises, goats and Satan, you know, the important stuff. Their sound is the typical Nuclear War Now one, perverse troglodyte war metal metal once created by underachieving musicians who wanted to play heavy or thrash metal but didn't know how to tune their guitar or were too broke to buy a drum set not made of cardboard. It's rough but it's not amateur, there's a distinction to make. The songs are well crafted and they're highly melodic considering their style. It's of course very samey throughout its short length but if you wanted a neoclassical ten minutes instrumental song, you're listening to the wrong band, son.

Nabucodonosor is also in the excellent black/trash power trio Force of Darkness, a bit more my style than Penis Metal. Hades Archer is not as thrashy and it's way more abrasive and savage but without making any melodic or lo fi concessions. This EP, while not as good as “For the Diabolical Ages” or “The Curse Over Mankind” has nothing to be jealous about. It's a strong 10 minutes or a bit more if you have the version with the cool Sodom cover and it fucks right on your kitchen table, bareback style. If you like their style, you'll have a good time. Let the Penis Metal penetrate your head. Thrust me, cool shit.

Metantoine's Phallic Realm

Phallic Might, Arise! - 76%

Thumbman, April 1st, 2014

The most prominent question in my mind after hearing the title of Hades Archer’s inexplicably named Penis Metal is what exactly does their phallic banner of metal encompass. It turns out they like it rough and dirty. Featuring a mix of black metal, thrash and proto-extreme metal, this is one hell of a rager. Perhaps lacking some staying power, but these carnal warriors seem to be thinking more with their basest desires than with their brains.

Penis Metal comes crashing in with a wall of unbridled anger and never really lets up. Don’t expect any tender loving from these barbarians. They beat at anything and everything in their way with rough, rolling thrashy black metal blitzes. The production is primal, although done well enough to carry the muscle Hades Archer is packing. The drums pound furiously in a sloppy rage, driving this beast towards its next lustful conquest. Hades Archer does not call you back the next day, or any other day for that matter.

This band thinks with their crotch and goes after what it desires with reckless abandon. Surely they will get lucky if they keep on trucking hard enough. This Neanderthal instinct does fare somewhat well for the group. They have a cool sound here, and it kicks ass when it’s on, but the songwriting generally isn’t strong enough to pound the message into your skull (with the exception of EP highlight “Objeto”). The rambunctious riffing is cool, but none of the individual riffs can really be called amazing. They set out to fuck their way throughout the barren landscape of the metal kingdom and do so well enough. However, they have forgotten to leave a big enough mark. I haven’t heard their subsequent releases, but hopefully they measure up a bit bigger.

PENIS!!!!!! METAL!!!!!!! - 90%

Werewolf, December 19th, 2009

2 years passed and this band finally hit the studio, in order to record properly 6 more songs and give this release one of the weirdest (yet original, haha!) names in Metal (and not only) music ever! Basically the musical direction hasn’t changed here and it’s the same brutal as fuck Thrash, but it all sounds better and stronger, thanks to the recording quality. Especially the drums here sound way more aggressive and there is a stronger bass presence here, which can be heard much better than in the previous demos.

The biggest change is in the songs’ average length, which is most of the time around only 2 minutes long here and the slow and dramatic parts are almost completely gone, so the 5 songs here sound devastating and hardly let you rest for around 11 minutes. The 6th song is a hidden track, which is a cover of Sodom’s “Equinox”. Very impressive cover, I find it hard to believe that Sodom themselves could play it as dedicated to the original nowadays.

When all is said and done – this band proved again with this release that no matter how weird their releases names are, they surely know how to make no bullshit Metal that is 100% dedicated to its roots, yet doesn’t sound like a cheap parody. Hope to hear more new stuff form them in the future, since I’m sure that they’re not going to change their style to “Vagina Metal”!