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In how many languages can you say FUCKING BORING? - 53%

BastardHead, February 11th, 2008

Gojira... I saw them back in December of '06 when they opened for Amon Amarth and Children of Bodom in Milwaukee. They played the first two tracks of this album (Ocean Planet and Backbone), and I remember them being pretty cool. So I made the mistake of buying this album. I ran "fucking boring" through Google Translator a couple times, but about 80% of the languages came out the same, so the shtick I had intended on milking in this review just kind of got shunted, but my point remains the same. From Mars to Sirius is not a terrible album per se, just mind numbingly BORING.

I feel it is unfair to review an album without listening to it while I write the review, I'm only a couple minutes into Ocean Planet, and I already have a headache. This song is probably my favorite on the record as well, because as plodding as it is, it is still catchy. And if you're going to write a repetitive and unimaginative song, it might as well be catchy (Superjoint Ritual should be taking notes here). Back to the song, it's actually not that bad, and this album will probably be much better than how I make it out to be, but just keep in mind that unless you have an hour or two to spend watching paint dry, this album probably won't appeal to you.

That said, I am a Municipal Waste fan. Does that mean I have the attention span of mustard? Not entirely, because I am not only a metalhead. I am also a post rock enthusiast, and that is a genre usually based of off quiet, minimalist passages that go on for a long period of time. People with short attention spans hate Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Yndi Halda and whatnot, but at least those songs progress and change every now and again. That is the main problem with Gojira here, there are only a few riffs per song, but they still needlessly plod into the 7 minute category.

Digression aside, we return with Backbone, another decent song. It is again catchy, and a tad better than the opener in the sense that it picks up the pace a little bit. Alas, it doesn't really change that much, it sticks to the main idea for essentially the duration of the song. Afterwards we come to From the Sky, which is, again, not a very bad song. So far they are coming off as an incredibly average band, maybe leaning towards a more positive connotation than I had initially implied. But when you listen for a while, you feel like you're listening to a 8+ minute song, and then you look at your player and realize you are only 3 minutes into a 5 and a half minute long song. That either means:

A) The songs are running together due to a lack of variety

or

B) They are REALLY FUCKING BORING

This unfortunately falls into the latter category. Once again, don't get me wrong, Gojira are good, just not very interesting. I can kind of draw a parallel to Yngwie Malmsteen here. He is a phenomenal musician, but all of his songs are just sooooo boring, you start to think that headbutting a sidewalk would be more entertaining. Gojira is similar in that respect... but they are musically slower.

Unicorn is actually pretty good. It's just a short, spacey, progressive rock/post rock interlude, but it very well done for the style. But then our delicate little dove gets trampled by a rhino. Only instead of the rhinos mentioned in my other reviews, these ones have Down's Syndrome and like to eat paint. Where Dragons Dwell is the first genuinely boring song here. I get the feeling I've said "boring" a lot, but there really aren't very many other words to describe the music other than "plodding" and "generally uninteresting", both of which I've already used. Remember how I said From the Sky sounded about three times as long? Well this song actually is just shy of 7 full minutes, so bring your Excedrin Tension Headache medicine before venturing further into the album. The song seriously takes more than a minute to fade out.... they even made the ENDINGS take forever. We get a little breath of fresh air with The Heaviest Matter in the Universe, and this song helps prove one of the main points of this review. This band in undeniably heavy. They crush your face really fucking hard, but after a while, it's no longer an enjoyable experience. Unlike Vader, Arsis, or Krisiun, who continue to batter your face throughout the duration of the record yet can still make it cool, Gojira enters a realm where it's more like the physical world we live in. If we get our faces crushed literally, we get pissed off, and want no more of whatever just injured us... that's kind of what Gojira does.... except their face smashing is done through migraines.

Also, with that song, I finally realized who the vocalist sounded like... he sounds like an unholy mix of the guys from Mastodon and Static-X. I fucking hate the latter, but I don't mind the former.... but Jesus Christ his voice fucking sucks a big one. If you don't pay too much attention to it, it isn't bad.... but if you do, you might want to kill yourself. Speaking of the sweet release of death, we have come to the unholy trifecta of mind numbing stupidity. Flying Whales not only has one of the dumber names this side of grindcore, but it's a piss boring song as well. The double bass verses are okay... but just that, only okay. This song is very, VERY bad at holding my interest. As of this sentence, there are two minutes left, and I can't fucking take it anymore. I'm breaking my policy before my nuts rupture.

*presses skip track button*

The intro to In the Wilderness is certainly headbangable, that's no doubt, but so is the rest of the album. I may be sending mixed messages here, but do your best to comprehend what I'm trying to convey. Heavy, but boring. Like somebody else has said "a really awful version of Mastodon".

I can't take anymore of this fucking torture, I can't do a track by track on this garbage. Just take my word for it, this album is crushing and heavy, but by that same respect it is very directionless, meandering, repetitive, and just plain boring. Avoid if you have short attention spans or can differentiate between "progressive" and "unnecessary". The review started off optimistically, but you just want to find the nearest living thing and kill it as the record goes on.

I give this record a big fat F, but keep in mind it' really not that terrible, just horrendously annoying and repetitive.