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Zoinks - 5%

TheDeadEndKing, June 10th, 2019

As "trendy" as it may be to hate Ghost, I absolutely understand why. I've given them chance after chance over the years, with every mouth-breather on earth screaming their praises at me like pre-teen girls at a boy band gig, with different pseudo-intellectual reasoning every time. Put a lid on it. Save your breath. Count me in with the legions of people with an IQ over 41 who are sick to death of this circus. This most recent offering from the Tobias Forge Cosplay Troupe is just another chapter in the book of "Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Ghost Edition".

There is no metal here. This is pop-rock, layered with uninspired 80's synth, that has a few riffs and solos that are no different than anything you'll hear on mainstream rock radio. There's a grand total of zero things original about any aspect of Ghost's music. As if it already wasn't a testament to how unoriginal they are that everyone claims they're "Mercyful Fate meets BOC" (beat that dead horse a little more), this album in specific is literally just recycled material from everything else they've ever put out, just with better production. Wow, real fucking brilliant. Someone missed the memo here that more money and more production doesn't equal better product. Ask Metallica.

The Hot Topic Satanism shenanigans are more laughable than anything. Tobias creates a new EVIL character for himself every album cycle, belching out the same contrived, infantile, "HAIL SATAN" lyrical poetry you'd expect from "tortured" high school art class kids. Don't believe me? Listen to "Pro Memoria" (at your own risk) and come back to me. The cringe levels are off the charts. When you're out gimmicking the TRVE KVLT black metal bands, especially in today's world, you've reached a new low. Doubly so when you try to act like it isn't a gimmick, but a refined art form, and a method of worship. Settle down, Cardinal Colostomy Bag.

I'm still not 100% convinced that Tobias didn't just create Ghost as a way to market edgy products to kids. It's glaringly obvious he's put more stock into the look than the substance over the years. Write a few songs about Satan, attract the dejected kids and knuckle-dragging adults, make some factory-stock catchy hooks, slap inverted crosses everywhere, dress up like a Juggalo pope, rake it in. Give him credit for being a businessman, I guess. Ghost is the Insane Clown Posse of rock. Tobias may as well be Shaggy 2 Dope with papal headgear. Dwell on that. The more in-depth you think about the Ghost/ICP comparison, the more real it becomes.

I don't even feel sorry for you if you like Ghost, or if this review offends you. I rest my laurels on the fact that the main reason anyone is attracted to this sideshow is the image over the product. If they made the same music, but were singing about politics or JESUS, and didn't dress up like extras in The Conjuring, no one would listen. And they shouldn't anyway. Listening to "Prequelle" was almost an hour of my life I'll never get back. I will, however, tell you why I gave this album a 5% instead of nothing at all. I can copy and paste almost all of the music on this album over old Scooby-Doo scenes and it fits like magic. Jinkies, it's some awful spooky music! Why does anyone listen to this un-ironically? Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

Avoid this at all costs, unless you're using it for joke material. Whoop Whoop, Children of Ghost!