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The Stupid Never Learn - 10%

GuntherTheUndying, November 24th, 2008

I have to say, Figure of Six has absolutely no idea what they’re doing. Not only is the group another example of worn metalcore, but they do crazy shit like techno touches and keyboards, which will easily absorb retards, yet shall only repel upon meeting individuals with common sense. The album is called “Aion,” and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the most unoriginal and putrid items I’ve ever heard; everything Figure of Six offers smells, badly. Just when the metalcore trend couldn’t look any worse, we have a lackluster attempt at sucking off mainstream audiences while Figure of Six tries a few new sauces probably never tampered with before, but that still doesn’t change the fact “Aion” can’t match Trig Palin’s IQ. It’s funny, because his name is Trig, implying trigonometry, and he’ll certainly never learn that shit!

Frankly, “Aion” has just a few aspects built into its system: constant breakdowns, stop-start riffs, meandering percussion that only applies easy pops, and no variety. Solos are nonexistent, as are any form of change; one musical set of breakdowns and chugging guitars for each tune, done nine times, for one grim album. And I’ll tell you something, I would be thrilled to deck their vocalist in the fucking face. Pre-adolescent screams, clean vocals that sound like a hardcore meathead with throat cancer and awful overall performances from our teenage friend intoxicate many aspects of this already-suffering effort. Talk about self-destructive; Figure of Six has already committed mass suicide unintentionally.

What do you have in your arsenal now, Figure of Six? You’ve burned all those bridges, so how does one change countless errors? Here’s an idea: obsolete keyboards! Yea, that’s the aid. Now I enjoy keyboards, but Figure of Six has no idea how to use this complex tool regardless of musical background. For example, you’ll have a gun to the roof of your mouth after experiencing breakdown after breakdown, when a telepathic force pulls the trigger with beeping cacophonies and shameful chimes serving no purpose whatsoever. Whenever backed into a corner, just toss up random pianos and techno beats emerging from this unnecessary instrument harming the metalcore atmosphere within “Aion” even more than before. Good philosophy. Now disband.

As a sledgehammer to the sternum, Figure of Six’s “Aion” can potentially cause self-inflicted chest wounds if experienced in long durations, and listeners at the highest risk include those whom simply hate talentless garbage such as this myopic garbage. I’ve heard many metalcore albums against my will, and several of which have been more experimental than the average bear, but that doesn’t change the overall consensus: metalcore does not work when stacked against stupid ideas! Figure of Six, however, is unquestionably the barrel’s bottom, so please, break every copy of “Aion” you see. It will benefit mankind, and that’s more important than your temporary incarceration!

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