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Noktorn, January 31st, 2008

This was $6 I should have spent on getting someone to punch me in the balls instead.


Evicting The Testicular Squatters plays sloppy US style death/goregrind stuff. It's okay. The best thing I can say about it is that 'Manhandle Your Vagina' has an opening section that amuses me. The rest of the tracks have some measure of groove to them, though it's nothing amazing. There's a Haemorrhage cover that's unnecessary, because only Haemorrhage can REALLY do Haemorrhage. This side is remarkably unremarkable. The music has groove riffs, d-beats, the occasional blast, gurgly vocals, etc. You know.

I suppose this is vaguely interesting if you've never heard this style before, but for everyone else it's pretty listless. It's inoffensive. Run of the mill. Bordering on trite. There are a few moments that I can nod my head along with, but absolutely nothing more. It manages to make me remember absolutely nothing about it which I guess is sort of an accomplishment on some level.

Fecal Corpse

Okay, so the first side wasn't able to offend me on a musical level, so Fecal Corpse decided that they had to suck TWICE as hard to make up for it. I have no fucking idea what they're doing on this side. It's godawful brutal death metal with some of the most incompetent songwriting I've ever heard. These aren't songs, they're just strings of completely grooveless groove sections connecting to each other through... nothing, apparently? What the fuck is this shit?

It has a billion of those stupid, sludgy Suffocation breakdowns that only Suffocation are able to pull off, the same number of completely unmemorable slam riffs, and, best of all, there's 'Jingboh', which is remarkable for being possibly the most annoying fucking song I've ever heard in death metal, all because of the retarded second half which is one big sludge breakdown with horrible, HORRIBLE chiming cymbals, and if I don't stop talking about this music I'm going to have a goddamned aneurysm.

Ed Rankin/Ed The Dead is the vocalist responsible for both these musical war crimes, so I guess most of the blame can be placed on him, particularly when he's a pretty piss-poor vocalist. You see, Ed is an incredibly fat dude, and like many incredibly fat metalheads, he's just POSITIVE that his corpulence gives him the ability to do capable guttural vocals. It doesn't. And when he's backed up by a bunch of really, REALLY fucking terrible songwriters, it just magnifies his lack of skill that much more. Fecal Corpse is fucking horrible and E.T.T.S. is infinitely better but still pretty goddamn weak. The only reason that I haven't shot myself in the fucking head over this purchase is because Evicting The Testicular Squatters doesn't make me vibrate with rage. Horrible, horrible shit, even retarded brutal death metal fans like me should avoid this.