Illuminations of Vile Engorgement

I pulled this album up for my cat, Oscar, tonight, and I'll be honest, he wasn't too pleased. In fact, he ran across the room and attempted to break out in sheer horror of the music's enormous dildo of brutality. I'll be honest, it was quite humorous. Though Oscar's ears are virgin when concerning the majesty of heavy metal, I can't help but wonder why this music is so offensive to my feline friend? Hmmmm...could it be because the relationship between riff and structure is unbalanced and awkward in it's execution? Uhhh...could it be because the general aesthetics of the album are generic and sub-standard when concerning the style? Or could it be because he's a fucking cat who's ears are literally not designed to take in music of the volume I provided? No...that's impossible. I played him some Rainbow earlier and he seemed rather docile, it must be something else...

I've never really thought about what kind of cat Oscar is. Is he a rebellious punk? Is he a ravin' rivethead? Is he a crusty cruster? I've had Oscar for quite awhile, and my bet's on the third option because he smells awful, has an extremely knotted mane, and spends most of his time outside begging for food. But is it possible that my cat, my beloved Oscar, is actually a heavy metal purist disguised as a friendly, frisky feline? Have I had a glimpse into his true soul...is all I knew about Oscar merely a delusion intended to sway me into delivering food unto his belly? I may never know, but I believe he's trying to tell me something...

The way he licks those paws...ah! According to him...the riffs are generic, directionless garbage weakly pasted over equally dull and boring blast-beats and insipid diarrhea farts. Hmm, an interesting conclusion. He also claims...the breakdowns add nothing to the end product and serve simply as a place-marker for how much more generic and brainless the band is capable of becoming in a 10-second radius without submitting to any degree of artistic or intellectual enlightenment. Furthermore, according to this fucking cat, the music is a bland, monotonous train-wreck designed to appeal to insecure slam-hipsters concerned only with the superficial brutality of the music as opposed to it's legitimate quality. He would would pin-point examples, but it's rather hard when very few moments of this album can be discerned or enjoyed on a rational level...beyond delusional nonsense. The closing track, "Severe Lacerations", which is a flamenco-acoustic piece, contains some mildly entertaining ideas, though it feels fake and was obviously tagged on as a failed bid at legitimacy...

Well...it would appear my beloved Oscar is indeed a rather outspoken individual! It is possible this fucking cat just doesn't understand, that this music is supposed to sound like the band put no effort into the music! This is what makes it brutal! This music is so monotonous and utterly devoid of all thought and purpose that somehow it's...I don't know...good! Oh, but alas, Oscar speaks once more...meow...meow...hmmm, either this cat wants to be fed, or is trying to tell me that what I just said was literally completely laughable. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he's referring to the latter, once again. Always the latter with this cat. Anyway, I think he's trying to tell me that the conclusion of "it's so monotonous and muddy that it's brutal" is completely ridiculous...like explaining that Herman Cain's political candidacy is pure genius...and apparently any praise of this album is supplied through over-analysation...ignoring the elephant in the room, which in this case is that the music actually completely sucks. It's like getting a dog turd in your taco at the local Taco Bell, and saying, "well, there might be a dog turd in this, but in a way that dog turd makes this taco more gritty, unrefined, and down-right evil!". I'll be honest, I've tried to read and take seriously viewpoints like some people have made, such as "you can't criticize this because it's what makes it bad is actually good" or "this band has seen into the utter depths of hell and is channeling their sights through soulless brutality"...but it's all just laughable nonsense. This is just bad music. It's literally nothing more. Oscar, kudos to you, good sir, for enlightening me!

Above all else, what alarms me most about this release is how unnoteworthy it all adds up to being. There is not one single memorable guitar riff. Not one single drum fill that adds anything to the music. Not so much as a single guttural burp that might change the pace of the music into going in any notable direction, and I don't know about you, but if people are calling this directionless trash "brutal", then death metal has officially "jumped the shark", and I might as well jump off the train now before people start to listen to literally complete fucking static and call it "enlightening". Now is the time to dust off our old King Crimson albums and listen to something a bit more substantial. Something with a purpose, something with a goal. Hell, you may even find yourself listening to Brodequin's "Festivals of Death" CD, which is more or less in the same general style as this, yet more refined and with a direction (plus, stronger vocals and the riffs are audible as well as more substantial). Just don't jump on the bandwagon, with all the hipsters, and call this pure crap "genius", because it's not. It's a joke and it makes me sad to think that there are people who think this is legitimate death metal. I would also like to point out that the guitar tone sounds nothing like the traditional "Swedeath buzzsaw" guitar tone, and no one who make this assessment could possibly know what they were talking about.


My cat and I disagree on many things. He, for instance, likes to claw at my legs when I try to walk away after petting him. He also loves to dig his claws into whatever he's standing on when someone tries to pick him up...and let's not forget how cruel and heartless he acted towards our cat of 17 years, the late Cally (R.I.P.). But I digress, we agree on this. Enmity's music is silly, boring, and completely and utterly unthreatening. If you like brutal death metal, go pick up Brodequin's "Instruments of Torture", or Mortician's "Mortal Massacre" EP. I don't see much relevance or use for this, though. It's merely a weak, poorly thought out mess of notes that has no meaning of use to anyone, save for the silly hipsters who cherish it so. If you want to listen to this, go right ahead and do that. But just know that Oscar, and I, completely hate you for it.