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Everything Remains As It Should Never Have Been - 0%

zaebangad, February 24th, 2010

There was once a time when I had high hopes for Eluveitie. There was also time when I realized they would never be anything more than mediocre. There was a time when I realized that every single album will be completely the same, from songs to the artwork. When I saw Everything Remains’ cover, I did not feel my theory was threatened.

Then, I got the album. I thought it would be as mediocre as all their other shit. But, I was wrong. Because this album is horrible. It is repugnant, disgusting, revolting, it is a travesty. My ears are still bleeding. My spirit has been broken. Slain. Evocated away from existence. Everything I held dear has been wiped clean from within my head.
Otherworld, as many intros to horrible albums go, was good. It opened nicely, and for a brief moment, the hopes that Eluveitie could actually do something right sparked again. Then, as is always the case, the awry shit began.

Well, everything remains as it always was. The vocals are still beyond bad, the death metal riffs are still deplorable. The hurdy gurdy is still not connected well to the general composition. And with time, it too gets repetitive. It gets boring, mundane. Every riff sounds the fucking same! The general tempo, the composition, the rhythm, nothing changes. Everything is the fucking same! Except for the parts that are worse.

The female vocals, which were perhaps a saving grace among the shit, are downplayed. We get more and more bad growling, more watered down death metal… until it becomes so cliché it turns into metalcore. Yes, metalcore. Complete with switches between shitty growling and even shittier clean vocal work. They always were mediocre mainstream bullcrap, but this… this goes beyond all levels of suck I could fathom. Even the pipes, which could’ve been quite good, are buried too deep inside a festering pile of Swiss shit to have any effect. The melodies become painfully dull as the whole thing slides deeper and deeper into polished, glitzy and utterly nauseating fecal matter. You will notice here and there (on the speaking part mostly) some play with effects, which are not really bad, but are ultimately out of place unless you're expecting a trance album.

You know what Eluveitie sound like. Now take that same sound they've been playing all their lives and make it even more slimily corny. Add moments that scream of metalcore and you have Everything Remains As it Never Was. I really cannot fathom how this band has a following. I really can't. This album has sonically sodomized me and ripped apart my immortal soul. I loathe it so strongly, I would rather jump headfirst into a vat of hyena stomach acid than listen to this album ever again. And yet, I know someone will come along and call this "great death metal interwoven with beautiful folk melodies". And I shall wish for pestilence upon humanity. As for Eluveitie, just for arrogantly dubbing themselves “The New Wave of Folk Metal”, they deserve nothing better than a 0.