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Terrible in Every Way - 0%

stainedclass2112, June 21st, 2016
Written based on this version: 2014, Digital, Independent

Disorderly Conduct is a small, up and coming thrash project led by these two Kirkpatrick brothers who have a thirst for thrash. The problem is that not only do these guys lack the necessary means of producing a decent sounding album but they don't really know how to play their instruments; let alone play thrash metal. This is all made even worse by Sam's rather uninspired vocals that are WAY too loud for their own good. On all fronts, this little EP completely fails to be worthwhile even one bit. Disorderly Conduct desperately needs to go back to the drawing board and plan things out, as this project is off to an abysmal start.

First and foremost, the production sounds like it was pieced together by a beginner using some cheap DAW software. Each and every time a new song section or riff appears, the music cuts and skips for a second making for a really choppy and frustrating listening experience. The drums are practically nonexistent as they are really just programmed to hammer away with zero musical quality - not to mention that they are far too quiet in the mix to even contribute to what the guitars are doing. Speaking of the guitars, they aren't amped at all, and if they are, they are mixed rather atrociously. They completely lack punch or power and seem to meander about in the background with zero memorability or even any amount of coordination. This is a producer's worst nightmare and should be a huge indicator to these guys telling them that they seriously need to take a step back and properly prepare themselves before attempting to record an album.

So let's just pretend that Disorderly Conduct were able to get some time with a real producer in a nice studio with all of the necessary equipment, time, money, etc. in order to put together an well produced metal album. It wouldn't help. These guys have no musical skills whatsoever. I've listened to this EP constantly for a while now and I can confidently say that there is not a single decent thrash riff on this entire thing. They lack the means to play their guitars well, but they also lack the creativity or resolve to put anything of worth together in the first place. Everything seems, and you can bet your ass it all is, thrown together. Every riff completely sucks, and the solos aren't much better. Honestly, the solos are worse, as they aren't even in key with the songs and they are full of mistakes and accidents. It's also obvious that they have no sense of melody, as the solos and leads don't really possess a musical quality.

It also goes without saying that they have no skills to arrange a memorable or creative song, but the lyrics are also childish and completely ridiculous. For example, a set of lyrics from the first song on the album:

"Large shiny silver teeth
Inside a drooling mouth.
Bites deep into your head.
This is what they're made for.

Their tongue possesses teeth,
Extending from their mouths.
Your brain, like cheese spread,
And you fall to the floor."

"Your brain, like cheese spread, and you fall to the floor." I think that this thing can be described in a similar manner, although it completely lacks all of the wonderful qualities associated with cheese spread. But while the goofy lyrics are rather terrible, I don't particularly use them as a basis of condemning Thrash Unto You. However, the final track, entitled "Golden Chicken Wingz" is completely unforgivable. Here we have an utterly horrific attempt to throw in a funny little outro track. Not only does this have a ridiculous "bass line" and next to zero actual music, but these lyrics are just completely fucking stupid and devoid of any redeeming or funny qualities. It is basically a rap song with lyrics like, "Pull the pants down lick the pussy pussy pussy" and "I just gotta jump on it, just gotta hump it, bump it, slam dunk it, spunk it, hunt it, crunk it, I gotta get them chicken wangz".

Upon hearing all of the actual attempts at music here, I thought that these guys just needed to take a step back and organize themselves and maybe practice playing their instruments a little (a lot) more. After hearing the complete fucking abortion of a song at the end I can tell that this band has zero chance at ever succeeding with this little project. This is completely terrible for its entire running time and there are no redeeming qualities anywhere.