Gateways

HEY LOOK! IT'S DIMMU BOR-well, no, this still kinda sucks.

I've always tried to stay away from the two most mainstream black metal bands in history (I'll leave it to you to figure out who I mean). I hear their singles here, random radio pop-up there. Normally I try to just zone it out - if I want old men shouting or birds chirping I go to the nursing home or the park, respectively - but the other day I heard a genuinely beautiful section of music on the radio. I looked up at my radio, and was shocked to discover it was the outro of "Gateways", by Dimmu Borgir.

Now hold on, I thought. This can't be Dimmu Borgir. I'm enjoying this! But yes, believe it or not, I like this song - or at least, the last minute or so of it. It's not preferable to Marduk or Bornholm, but then again, this isn't really black metal either. It's really cheesy for the first three minutes or so, yes, but it's very well structured considering how many times it changes theme. Yes, I'm sure if someone with two grains of talent to rub together and knowledge in musical theory covered this song, it'd be a beautiful masterpiece. But sadly, this song is being played by Dimmu Borgir, who have to be some of the worst instrument-players in the metal universe.

"Gateways" opens with a beautiful symphonic intro, which is one of the only things I've continuously appreciated about this band throughout their material that I've heard. From there, the song trails into a slow, war-marchish tempo for a second, and it's here two of the song's most evident flaws become evident. For one, the god-forsaken, hoary robo-vocals, which are just about as out-of-place amongst this song as Fred Durst would be. For two, Shagrath...where was I when you ripped out part of Dani Filth's voice box to use for yourself? For one, Filth isn't a good role model to aspire to become, and for two, frankly, you suck dick at imitating your idol. Whereas Dani sounds like a chirping bird, you, already sounding like an old man (see the reference in the first paragraph of my review?), sound now like an old man attempting autoerotic asphyxia. I would say that you should stick to your regular raspy vocals, but I hate those too, so I guess the best I can give you is GIVE IT A REST. Even worse, there's not much guitar in this song at all, which means that when the symphonies fail to sound epic or brutal, there's nothing there to back them up at all, leading to a lot of bland and empty sections in the music. Anyway, from here, the song moves into the riff that is the song's namesake, and it's actually really, really bad. Not as bad as the Death Cult Armageddon riffs, but it's still a really cheesy piece of shit. Terrible female vocals periodically interrupted with chanting of "GATEWAYS" over and over. Fucking ew. Then we get more nu-metal-style faded-out spoken word, followed by a somewhat boring guitar interlude. The Dani Filth chanting from the beginning repeats, and a half-assed guitar riff pops up. However, at this point (around 3:45), the song changes...for the better, by far.

Yes, we get it, more old man robo-vocals...wait, what? That was beautiful! Yes, at 3:50 in the song, we get a taste of what the female earlier in the song can achieve, as she sings a very beautiful melody, and it alternates between Shagrath's rambling and the beautiful female vocals. It's backed by Dimmu Borgir's trademark war march bass pedal blasts and a decent guitar, but does it really matter? Am I paying attention to anything but the vocals? I think not. Strangely enough, the female vocals even dilute the suck of Shagrath's retirement home inhabitant impersonation. So yes, though this whole entire song basically sucks, the last minute of it or so is just perfect. Note that it's the only reason "Gateways" gets a 35% from me, and not a 5% or even lower.

So no, Dimmu Borgir, you still suck. Here are a few tips:
1. Dani Filth sucks. Don't try to emulate him.
2. Robots and black metal don't mix.
3. Shagrath, you sound like an old man. Leave the band.
4. Use more guitar riffs so that when your symphonies fail, your listeners aren't sitting there bored.
5. Use more female vocals. They are your only hope.

If you do these five things, you may once again compose something that isn't cheesy nor is it annoying. Until then, I might as well just spin For All Tid on repeat.