Armageddon It

There's no denying that Def Leppard went to great lengths to advertise its already platinum record, "Hysteria", and that meant making a crap-ton of singles. One of these singles is of the smash-hit "Armageddon It", a pun on "I'm a gettin' it", supposedly. Believe me, if I hadn't made the mistake of purchasing this single from a used book store thinking I'd get a rare and unknown song only to find a steaming pile of dog dung on the B-side, I'd be a much happier person.

Of course there's "Armageddon It", Def Leppard's supposed classic gem. Guess what, it's not an excellent song. The riff is basically just a chord played a few times with two more alternating between each other before going back to the first chord, definitely not my definition of a good song. I mean, come on, fifth graders who are just starting out their band could come up with more skilled main riffs than that. What's quite upsetting is the fact that Def Leppard has come up with better riffs before. They've done it with their debut album, "On Through the Night", and although "Hysteria" is a sub-par album, at least it had "Gods of War", which had a pretty cool main riff. It's their more simple and moronic songs that get more attention, cos they got their own singles, such is the case with "Armageddon It". To make matters worse, they've put in backing vocals that don't even sound like real people. They sound more like some kind of robotic voices that are more fit for techno and house music, not rock, let alone metal. The drums don't sound realistic either. I get that Rick Allen is dependent on a special kind of drumming technology as he's only got one arm, but that shouldn't be any excuse for the drumming to sound like something out of a Daft Punk album.

No, don't do it. Don't play the B-side. Stay away from the B-side. Do not play the B-side. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not play the-oh, you had to be curious and dumb enough to play the B-side? Guess what, you're gonna regret it. I bought this single thinking that the B-side would be hiding a forgotten Def Leppard gem that they recorded and forgotten about, perhaps a song that looks back towards their roots. How wrong I was! All I got was a joke, a literal joke. It doesn't even sound serious. It even advertises itself as a joke, with the artist being "Stumpus Maximus and the Good Ol' Boys". It's just this hokey piano song with the band's future tour manager, Malvin "Stumpus Maximus" Mortimer and the song, "Release Me" is a cover of an Engelbert Humperdinck song. Of all people. There is absolutely no way I'm going to take this seriously, cos again, it was most likely not meant to be serious. "Stumpus" sings out of tune in some parts, and even belches before saying "excuse me" during the middle of the climax. Don't even ask the guy to try and do a metal scream, either, cos he sounds more like a dying cat than a screeching hell demon. No, the pianos only make it worse, and the guitars do not help in any way.

I guess it's easy to avoid this single, 'cos I sure haven't found another copy in any other place. Even if you do find it, please take it with a grain of salt, 'cos it's really not anything to be taken seriously. It's no wonder "Release Me" was meant as a B-side, cos Def Leppard was basically trolling their fans by doing it. If you want a good laugh by listening to the musical equivalent of the movie "Troll 2", go ahead and listen. Me? My ears are bleeding and I need a trip to the hospital in order to fully recover from this travesty.