Five Years

“…beware if you are a Disco-Freak or if your hair is short, the Metal cops are on their way and we’ll give them support…”

The happiest bunch of krauts this side of Tankard frisbeed this ep at us with smiles galore, apparently pleased with awarding all in earshot these independently-released four tracks of well-spirited and awkwardly-traditional metal/hard rock monotony. When I say ‘us’, I’m probably talking about the six or seven people who happened to be strolling by the studio when they skipped out with this under their arms, ‘cos since shambling out of the backwoods of ’88, it’s culled practically no one’s curiosity, much like the band itself. Dark Haze followed fellow countrymen Backwater and (eventually) Secrecy, who slid into forgotten and unnamed ravines, forever doomed by the prophecy proposed in their names.

Not much going on here as far as front jackets go, and the title Five Years could mean how long they’ve been together, how long the drummer's been dating the bassist's third cousin, or the anniversary of the last time guitarist Siggi ate a french fry, and even if you knew of their ’84 demo (with a track lovingly-named “Fat Woman Blues”), it’d still be only four years distant. The back cover’s where we find our gleeful gaggle sandwiched between song lyrics that range from common whatever to the unusually amusing (see lyrical blurbs spattered throughout this review). Well, the music has a funny bone too, and right off the bat is clobbered with a plunger.

Immediately causing us to shake in our boots even while they're quickly filling with comical fear as we listen to this is opener “The Call of Darkstar”, the greatest unholy alliance of high school-level lyrics (“you realize it’s from another world where pop music is a lie. Boy George was there, Duran Duran, Adam Ant and some funky boys. The King of Rock sends a message out and he speaks with a mighty voice.”) and musical perspective that not only clashes with this accusing lyrical message, but with this first track they somehow already conceive a departure from metal. It's a departure that's inexplicably and head-slappingly composed of scab labor, supra-novice rap that's so obvious and so sucky it winds up being the most worthwhile crap I’ve heard in awhile. A gag-reflex day-maker.

“I’ve Seen the Light” - hopes are high they saw it after retarded “The Call of Darkstar” twirled through the hole in the toilet, but hopes deflate like old bicycle tires as fleeting appearances of useless cowbell weigh down its playful seriousness and lukewarm catchiness, but as a whole manages to ricochet off the rim to clunk across the dull tile floor. Like much of this disc’s aural outline, “Tonight” is yer basic mid-pacer with zero plans to rile things up. Meanwhile coolest track, “Burning High”, flushes the ep with slight, much-needed menace with its main riff, which borrows band-natural up-temponess for bridges and choruses, yet in the end delivers the more or less masculine frontward wave of blue water we were hoping would squirt from the cracks when this thing first jammed up the outhouse.

As one would suspect from a not-so-fine line of hard rock and metal that’s as basic and unadorned as this, the musicianship lacks flash as well as most personality and showmanship, at best dazzling us as satisfactory. Vocalist Edgy is quite the opposite of his name, with pipes wiped uninterestingly clean and clear, yet are mildly melodic. As a whole, I don’t know where in the morass of metal these guys thought they were headed, but these near-clueless sonic sketches seem more like the mentality of ’82 or prior.

While many independent releases change hands with price tags that could satisfy a mortgage payment or two, Five Years could be traded for an hour’s time in an old motel with leaky indoor plumbing. Sonically, it’s about what it’s worth as well. Keep smilin’, guys.

“…we hang Boy George high in the sky to find out if he was a girl…”