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Black Metal for Dummies - 11%

oVerCaffeinated, September 30th, 2006

Thanks for choosing to purchase our Black Metal for Dummies book I hope you enjoy recording Black Metal as much as we have enjoyed writing this guide for you. To start your adventure into the grimness you will need a guitar, drums and bass. Being able to speak is also a bonus.

This is what Mikko Aspa first read when he decided to record this album. I thought Deathspell Omega was bad, this is just pathetic. Black Metal needs soul to succeed. This album is as soulless as they come. People continue to push this shit out into the open so they can be part of a scene that was once filled with spirit but is now filled with consumerism. They want a piece of the pie when the pie has already been eaten.

The production is of the usual static drowned affair. What makes it worse is the vocals have also been processed to make them sound raw. They just fade into the music. The best thing about this album is probably the drumming. Its good but nothing to drool over and it’s hardly going to save this piece of garbage. The album is mostly composed of Tremolo Picking, the rest of it is some contrived riffs and the holding of one note on a synthesiser. This album even comes decked out with some satanic slow-mo voice action! EXCITING! The word before this sentence could be used to describe the exact opposite of this album. The reviewer below me actually described the album pretty well. “…the formula for this album is pretty simple…” and “…harsh vocals that sound like they came off from a Transylvanian Hunger B-Side.” are pretty accurate descriptions. The difference is he made these as good points. They simply aren’t. Do we really need another Transylvanian Hunger B-Side clogging up the Metal shelves?

I’ll use some lyrics taken from this album to fittingly close this review. “Complete waste, should be thrown away.”