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Pretty fucking bad... - 8%

TheDorkCheese, October 6th, 2008

Celtic Frost is a great band, and Tom Warrior is one of the most creative guys out there as far as songwriting goes. However, you certainly wouldn't know that by listening to this piece of garbage. Not that you would be exposed to them through Cold Lake, as it has deliberately been skipped over when Celtic Frost's albums were all remastered, thus making it hard to find. Also, with all the rave reviews of Morbid Tales and To Mega Therion, compared to all the damnation this album has received (especially by Celtic Frost themselves - it was once even listed as an "Abomination" on their website instead of as an "Album"), it is highly unlikely that anybody would buy or download this lump of shit instead of one of their other albums. It is far more likely that somebody downloaded this album out of curiosity, wanting to see if this album is really as bad as it's made out to be. Now, this isn't the worst album ever made. This isn't even the worst "metal" album ever made. It is better than St. Anger (though definitely not by very much). However, it's still pretty godawful and is certainly ranks very low as far as metal albums go.

For those who have heard Celtic Frost before (and who hasn't?), try to imagine Celtic Frost playing an album of covers of hair metal songs after having had their balls crushed by sledgehammers on anvils (see what I did there?). If you can comprehend that, you should have a pretty good idea of what this album sounds like. The guitar tone completely lacks power, and for every potentially decent riff played there are about 15 totally forgettable ones (there are maybe 30 riffs on the entire album of 12 songs). The bass is somewhat audible, but it might as well not be because it adds nothing to the music. The drums are very unremarkable, except for the snare drum, which sounds like St. Anger's quieter cousin. Tom's vocals, however, actually have power... the power to make you want to puke just listening to them. Instead of the signature grunt he uses for Hellhammer and the other Celtic Frost albums, he uses an unbelievably obnoxious, nasal, half-shouted whine that is about as far from metal as you can imagine. It's pretty funny to listen to for a little while, but it ultimately leaves you with a feeling that you lost brain cells from listening to them.

After the intro passes (which happens to be called Human, just like the intro on Morbid Tales, even though the two intros couldn't sound any more different), you are greeted with the two best songs on the album: Seduce Me Tonight and Petty Obsession. Each song has a riff that isn't 100% forgettable (instead being 99% forgettable). They also have solos that, in all honesty, aren't any worse than the completely unnecessary catscratch solos that are on a couple of early Celtic Frost songs. That said, these songs are still pretty bad, and if they're the best songs on the album, that must mean that this album is going to get really awful, right?

Well, the next song is Cherry Orchards, which may very well be one of the most annoying hair metal songs ever written (including songs by Poison and the like). The shit-tastic riffs almost seem good compared to Tom Warrior's "I'm trying to impersonate a child with down syndrome" vocals, which are at the absolute worst on this song. But wait - that's not it! Once he shuts up, you're greeted to a pathetic attempt at being "lustful" with a female spoken word passage. Then, you listen to Tom sing again, then the same female bit is played, then you get a really shitty solo, then the song's over. The rest of the album isn't quite this bad (though Downtown Hanoi gets pretty close), but it is entirely forgettable and is a complete waste of time to listen to. One thing to note is that, in the middle of the bonus track Tease Me, the riff for Procreation of the Wicked is played for a few seconds. I found this to be in very poor taste - what are they doing trying to shit up that riff by putting it in an album like this?

All in all, this is a really bad album, even for hair metal. If you wanted to listen to it just for shits and giggles, all you need to do is listen to Cherry Orchards. Every other song on the album sounds the same (though not QUITE as annoying, and without female vocals), and listening to just that one song should deter most from wanting to listen to the rest of the album. Plus, you would only be wasting 4 minutes and not 45 minutes by listening to it (seriously, how the fuck can they make 45 minutes of shit this bad and repetitive?)

8%, because it's better than St. Anger (which would be a 6-7%) and bands too bad to mention, metal or non-metal. That doesn't mean you should listen to this album if you have ANYTHING better to do.