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A Fully Torqued, Piece of Shit - 5%

EvilAllen, November 10th, 2017
Written based on this version: 2016, Digital, Independent (Bandcamp)

Well, from the United States, we have a comedy-themed group (wouldn't exactly call them a band) that unrelentlessly preach about beer and humour in their lyricism. I'm not suggesting that to be an awful thing, not when it's done by people who're good at making music (and these guys aren't doing well at that at all with this release). I can't see the group being successful when they're busting out some solemn garbage, just like this release. I can't say I hate this record entirely, the production is at least clean and up-to-date-sounding. I'm going to attempt at pointing out all of the better parts of this release (if any at all) first, right now. So, let's hop right to that now, shall we?

We'll start off with the instrument that gives us a lot of distortion and melody (usually), which would be the guitars on this current release. Now, the guitar production has a fair and balanced audio theme. The clarity of the whole record is right there, sounds nice being all crystal clear and smooth-like. The issue I have, the guitar-playing doesn't provide anything creative. Whatever you're hearing in each of these tracks have been done by famous bands like, Death and Cannibal Corpse. All the guitar-riffing is either overly influential or it's just simply ripping off the overall guitar riffs of different songs from the above-named bands, of which I just mentioned. All it really sounds like, is your everyday high, medium and low key sound, coming from the guitars. Hardly any shredding, nothing technical from time-to-time. It's like listening to someone who's only been playing guitar for about six-to-twelve months. Barely knows how to sound creative. In the simplest terms I can currently think of, none of it sounds original. Imagination is more important than knowledge. And yeah, this group are basically lacking both, in complete fairness.

As I've mentioned before, yeah, the fabrication is what makes the quality sound good, but it's the musicians that are having the issue. The bass mixing and mastering is rather nice, with a decent set of headphones or even a good headset, it makes the bass sound mighty, which is a plus. I don't think I can really say anything terrible about that. At least it's following the guitars decently. It vibrates a lot, would be a suitable choice for a car with a subwoofer in it. Has a fair amount of kick behind it. Not the most powerful bass I've heard a metal group use before, but it's not the weakest either.

I don't care for how loud the drums are, they spike past the guitars, bass and vocals with great authority. It reminds me of some murderous freak using a hatchet on someone's bedroom door, like in the "The Shining" from the 1977 film. Senselessly bashing and overly bashing the drums to make some noise and to make them feel "technical", which doesn't sound like the case at all. It's just plain, sloppy-ass drums. The bass kicks and snare suck as a whole. They're mixed too loudly in each individual track, it's distracting from everything else that's going on in the songs.

The lyrics are supposed to be funny and humorous, but they just seem poorly written and childish. If all a group can really write about are concepts featuring beer and humour as their primary capabilities, then those ideas of freshly running low in time. You can't simply keep a band (a group is more suitable to say, in this case) going on just two mindless themes and expect it to take you far as successful musicians. Come on, guys, this shit is fucking stale, like expired bread or burnt toast. I'm not amused by this stupidity they're conjuring up. Get something new, because "funny" isn't working for you fellows in the slightest.

When I first began to listen to this release, I was sure that the vocals were going to suck, which they do, but not nearly as bad as I would have assumed, originally, which is a plus. Good job, guys...no one cares. Anyways, I can't say that with confidence though, some of the vocals in each song sometimes sound different due to different throat-pitches being used. A good example of annoying vocals would be from the track entitled, "Email Storm", which they didn't even correctly entitle anyways. The vocals sound ultra-high-pitched, every few seconds, it's enough to make your ears just needlessly ring from it. Sometimes the guy sounds like the lead vocalist from Metallica, sometimes the guy uses a low, distorted vocal style you'd hear from modern death metal and grindcore bands. I guess it's fair to say he has a widespread selection of vocal noises. Not surprising, considering the group are also grindcore, as well as thrash metal.

The group of circus clowns, use godawful sound effects during the start, middle and conclusion of their wacky-sounding, apparent, musical adventures. They must have used some royalty free sounds or something? I doubt they would have paid top dollar to purchase these sounds online or had some sound engineer to create these. And I don't think the group would have been intelligent enough to create even these stupid sound effects, which are basically featured in all their songs. Who knows and who fucking cares...?

The artwork the group used, well, let's just say it looks like Jaws fucking cracked a beer wide open and started consuming. An observer would barely care what's being featured in the background, some kind of lava pit opened and people are falling helplessly to their deaths. Oh, good...more fictional character deaths of the nameless going down. Like the music, the artwork fucking sucks, too. At least it's still somewhat better than other groups who attempt at producing music. These guys have a "small" amount of talent going for them, so it's not a complete waste. Solemnly, if these guys matured as musicians, they'd probably succeed on a whole different level. Just the drop the fucking nonsense, drop the poorly written lyrics, drop the poorly constructed guitars, bass, drums and especially artwork. Looks like a child in grade one drew it and had the teacher fill in the colour using a colouring software. That, or they hired a really shitty artist who can't draw to save his life? I'm just assuming a male created this...thing? I could be wrong, hell, someone in the band could have even made it. The colouring depth is really poor and only two-toned, it's just fucking boring...

My feelings are slightly mixed about the group and the release they submitted. They do have some good within the music, but it's overwhelmingly outweighed by the bad, the negativeness of it all. They're playing a practical joke and doing so fucking bad at it. It's not even funny, it's just brutally painful as hell, like...really. And if anything, they're playing the practical joke of themselves, not the listener(s). Does the group truly feel accomplished by this work? If they do, why? It's barely creative. They're aim is way off. I think people would agree that this record could be forgettable in less than an entire year, in all seriousness. It's like feeding rodents with your leftovers from the garbage or something of that particular manner.

Final thoughts and words, well, as I previously mentioned, my emotions are somewhat mixed for this release, it was hard getting into detail because of that. Simply because some things turned out slightly better than others, but by the end of the day, it's easy to say that this fucking album sucks. They took a failed longshot and paid for it. A total mess. The strongest thing going for this whole insanity was the audio fabrication, that made the clarity sound as well as it did. And some of the mixing and mastering was alright. The creativity and shortness of the tracks, they were overwhelmingly boring and poorly made. You couldn't even keep a mentally-handicapped individual interested long enough for them to enjoy it. Well, Car Door Dick Smash, you sparked a decent amount of controversy for certain aspects of what I was observing, that was clever. If I ever run into someone who simply loves the enjoyment of nonsense music, I'll be sure to throw up after telling them about the group's failed triumph.....