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A Fully Torqued, Piece of Shit - 5%

EvilAllen, November 10th, 2017
Written based on this version: 2016, Digital, Independent (Bandcamp)

Well, from the United States, we have a comedy-themed group (wouldn't exactly call them a band) that unrelentlessly preach about beer and humour in their lyricism. I'm not suggesting that to be an awful thing, not when it's done by people who're good at making music (and these guys aren't doing well at that at all with this release). I can't see the group being successful when they're busting out some solemn garbage, just like this release. I can't say I hate this record entirely, the production is at least clean and up-to-date-sounding. I'm going to attempt at pointing out all of the better parts of this release (if any at all) first, right now. So, let's hop right to that now, shall we?

We'll start off with the instrument that gives us a lot of distortion and melody (usually), which would be the guitars on this current release. Now, the guitar production has a fair and balanced audio theme. The clarity of the whole record is right there, sounds nice being all crystal clear and smooth-like. The issue I have, the guitar-playing doesn't provide anything creative. Whatever you're hearing in each of these tracks have been done by famous bands like, Death and Cannibal Corpse. All the guitar-riffing is either overly influential or it's just simply ripping off the overall guitar riffs of different songs from the above-named bands, of which I just mentioned. All it really sounds like, is your everyday high, medium and low key sound, coming from the guitars. Hardly any shredding, nothing technical from time-to-time. It's like listening to someone who's only been playing guitar for about six-to-twelve months. Barely knows how to sound creative. In the simplest terms I can currently think of, none of it sounds original. Imagination is more important than knowledge. And yeah, this group are basically lacking both, in complete fairness.

As I've mentioned before, yeah, the fabrication is what makes the quality sound good, but it's the musicians that are having the issue. The bass mixing and mastering is rather nice, with a decent set of headphones or even a good headset, it makes the bass sound mighty, which is a plus. I don't think I can really say anything terrible about that. At least it's following the guitars decently. It vibrates a lot, would be a suitable choice for a car with a subwoofer in it. Has a fair amount of kick behind it. Not the most powerful bass I've heard a metal group use before, but it's not the weakest either.

I don't care for how loud the drums are, they spike past the guitars, bass and vocals with great authority. It reminds me of some murderous freak using a hatchet on someone's bedroom door, like in the "The Shining" from the 1977 film. Senselessly bashing and overly bashing the drums to make some noise and to make them feel "technical", which doesn't sound like the case at all. It's just plain, sloppy-ass drums. The bass kicks and snare suck as a whole. They're mixed too loudly in each individual track, it's distracting from everything else that's going on in the songs.

The lyrics are supposed to be funny and humorous, but they just seem poorly written and childish. If all a group can really write about are concepts featuring beer and humour as their primary capabilities, then those ideas of freshly running low in time. You can't simply keep a band (a group is more suitable to say, in this case) going on just two mindless themes and expect it to take you far as successful musicians. Come on, guys, this shit is fucking stale, like expired bread or burnt toast. I'm not amused by this stupidity they're conjuring up. Get something new, because "funny" isn't working for you fellows in the slightest.

When I first began to listen to this release, I was sure that the vocals were going to suck, which they do, but not nearly as bad as I would have assumed, originally, which is a plus. Good job, one cares. Anyways, I can't say that with confidence though, some of the vocals in each song sometimes sound different due to different throat-pitches being used. A good example of annoying vocals would be from the track entitled, "Email Storm", which they didn't even correctly entitle anyways. The vocals sound ultra-high-pitched, every few seconds, it's enough to make your ears just needlessly ring from it. Sometimes the guy sounds like the lead vocalist from Metallica, sometimes the guy uses a low, distorted vocal style you'd hear from modern death metal and grindcore bands. I guess it's fair to say he has a widespread selection of vocal noises. Not surprising, considering the group are also grindcore, as well as thrash metal.

The group of circus clowns, use godawful sound effects during the start, middle and conclusion of their wacky-sounding, apparent, musical adventures. They must have used some royalty free sounds or something? I doubt they would have paid top dollar to purchase these sounds online or had some sound engineer to create these. And I don't think the group would have been intelligent enough to create even these stupid sound effects, which are basically featured in all their songs. Who knows and who fucking cares...?

The artwork the group used, well, let's just say it looks like Jaws fucking cracked a beer wide open and started consuming. An observer would barely care what's being featured in the background, some kind of lava pit opened and people are falling helplessly to their deaths. Oh, good...more fictional character deaths of the nameless going down. Like the music, the artwork fucking sucks, too. At least it's still somewhat better than other groups who attempt at producing music. These guys have a "small" amount of talent going for them, so it's not a complete waste. Solemnly, if these guys matured as musicians, they'd probably succeed on a whole different level. Just the drop the fucking nonsense, drop the poorly written lyrics, drop the poorly constructed guitars, bass, drums and especially artwork. Looks like a child in grade one drew it and had the teacher fill in the colour using a colouring software. That, or they hired a really shitty artist who can't draw to save his life? I'm just assuming a male created this...thing? I could be wrong, hell, someone in the band could have even made it. The colouring depth is really poor and only two-toned, it's just fucking boring...

My feelings are slightly mixed about the group and the release they submitted. They do have some good within the music, but it's overwhelmingly outweighed by the bad, the negativeness of it all. They're playing a practical joke and doing so fucking bad at it. It's not even funny, it's just brutally painful as hell, like...really. And if anything, they're playing the practical joke of themselves, not the listener(s). Does the group truly feel accomplished by this work? If they do, why? It's barely creative. They're aim is way off. I think people would agree that this record could be forgettable in less than an entire year, in all seriousness. It's like feeding rodents with your leftovers from the garbage or something of that particular manner.

Final thoughts and words, well, as I previously mentioned, my emotions are somewhat mixed for this release, it was hard getting into detail because of that. Simply because some things turned out slightly better than others, but by the end of the day, it's easy to say that this fucking album sucks. They took a failed longshot and paid for it. A total mess. The strongest thing going for this whole insanity was the audio fabrication, that made the clarity sound as well as it did. And some of the mixing and mastering was alright. The creativity and shortness of the tracks, they were overwhelmingly boring and poorly made. You couldn't even keep a mentally-handicapped individual interested long enough for them to enjoy it. Well, Car Door Dick Smash, you sparked a decent amount of controversy for certain aspects of what I was observing, that was clever. If I ever run into someone who simply loves the enjoyment of nonsense music, I'll be sure to throw up after telling them about the group's failed triumph.....

"Getting Doored" Taken To A Whole New Level - 16%

CHAIRTHROWER, September 6th, 2017
Written based on this version: 2016, Digital, Independent (Bandcamp)

Gee willikers! Upon glimpsing cetacean's colourful write-up for Lafayette, Indiana's Car Door Dick Slam, er Smash (the end result's the same), I knew I instantly found a potential victim for a token "slammie" i.e lower-rated review in order to maintain "street cred." However, to be fair, I expected worse. Although CDDS doesn't hold a wick to say, Gwar, with its deceptively melodic bent (think the bluesy introductory solo to "Americanized" or the wicked flow to "Pure As The Arctic Snow"), its members - no pun intended - still manage a certain command of their instruments, that is, the six-stringers' and bassist's super fast face ripping thrash riffs (who utilize a drum machine wryly christened "computer") ; sadly, I'm not too fond of the guitarists' savage and slippery "snaowls" (snarl/growl - thanks for the slick porte-manteau, Gutterscream). Anyhow, enough banter! Let's (cautiously) creep a further furlong along last year's Fully Torqued, whose twenty "oeuvres" average less than two minutes a piece, ranging from the aggravating but mercifully brief eight second "Pavement Shit Eater" to the mercilessly long, next-to-last five minute improvement "Death in the Pit (The Legend of the Chicagogre)".

Essentially, these fall into two separate camps: passable thrash metal offerings and utterly unnecessary noisecore - in terms of this last category, think the depredation of the World's second best beverage (after water of course), the gnarly unbecoming belch fest which is opener "40 Ounces" (sort of a campy Boys N The Hood meets Suicidal Tendencies me-lee at the crossroads of Compton or Watts' most hazardous intersection), the migraine inducing "Dog Coffin" or truly ridiculous "Bike Chain Dick Ripper" (talk about a fixation!).

Some of the more workable guitar riffs - such as the funk laden succession of "2 Heads 4 Boobs" and "Carnal Crock Pot" (this pleasurably jocose track name earns Fully Torqued a few bonus points) kept me pressing ahead but the fact they're so short and disarrayed takes away from their possible worth. On the whole, consider CDDS very amateurish stuff; these dudes aren't hopeless though - given some commitment and return to the drawing board, they could churn out something more along the lines of Gwar's Scumdogs Of The Universe, although, as implied above, don't expect them to top Oderus Urungus (RIP) and his minions' masterpiece Hell-O anytime soon, or ever at this rate. And although "Belt Sander To The Face" kicks off with a somewhat promising scripper of a riff, it soon delves until total unintelligible tripe - second that motion for "Forced Drano Chug" (even if half-way through it reverts back to semi acceptable Gwar-ish form).

Not wanting to gnaw on a bone of contention, I'll leave "Stillborn" and "The Abortion Clinic" out of this foppish "compte-rendu" but for the record. I feel Fully Torqued "high points" consist of "Space Aids From Space" (following a weird cybernetic circa 1982/ Amiga instilling "Space Sequence 5") - fifty seconds in. I'm feeling the same amusing n' juvenile vibe I got from said "Americanized" back in junior high; as well, any melody whatsoever on this mindfuck of an "opus" is also found on "Death in the Pit (The Legend of the Chicagogre)", which features actual singing (as false as it may be) and a quick, surprising mini-solo which is nothing to shake a (forgive me) dick at. Which brings me to the swordplay which is closer "The Smashing Of Dicks" - this I most certainly could do without! I guess it takes all kinds, even the likes of Car Door Dick Squash, Splat, Stomp, whatever.

"Surfed to the front, he roars for more thrust,
Should he fall on you, you'll be crushed beyond dust,
Reaches the railing, aghast are the security,
Screaming for backup, they must catch this monstrosity!
End over end he falls to the floor
Crushing a guard to death as he shouts "ONCE MORE!"
Back in the pit so he may die in battle
Banging his head, his mind's fucking addled!"

(Ya got that right!)

This album should have died in a fire. - 5%

cetacean, November 26th, 2016
Written based on this version: 2016, Digital, Independent (Bandcamp)

The cover of this album advertises a paint-by-numbers approach to thrash metal but it comes across more like a coloring book smeared with shit.

The vocals are clearly the worst offense: two vocal styles dominate the album and both of them are horrible: wannabe Incantation growls that might have been salvageable if they weren't overly effected and turned up way too high in the mix, and an even worse raspy tone that sounds like the noise a fat kid would make if you held a gun to his head and told him to sing a black metal song. If death/black metal vocals aren't to your liking, "Still Birth Cannon II" (I have a hard time believing the first one deserved a sequel) has clean singing, "Email Storm" is punctuated by girly-sounding screams, "Scum Shark" alternates between punk shouts and shitty gang vocals, and "Death In The Pit" has speed metal vocals. But despite the diversity, I feel I need to stress this again: the vocals are awful from beginning to end.

Not that it makes much difference what the rest of the album sounds like, but for the record it isn't very good. Guitars are at least in tune with an old-school thrashy sound but hardly ever play anything interesting (the riffing in "Carnal Crock Pot" and solo section of "Lunch Room Fire" being the only notable exceptions). Drums are obviously sample replaced and overly clean, which - while inoffensive - doesn't fit with the rest of the material. The drumming itself is surprisingly competent with lots of variation but not nearly good enough to make the rest worth listening to.

Musically, the album hardly deviates from throwaway pizza-thrash riffing and verse-chorus song structures. I'm not entirely sure how the grindcore tag applies except for the retarded lyrics about which the less is said the better. "The Abortion Clinic," despite sounding like a ridiculous Slipknot parody at certain moments, is undoubtedly the best song on the album with somewhat progressive variation in tempo and dynamics and clever bass work. If you're curious about the best this band has to offer, I'd recommend hearing "The Abortion Clinic" and the instrumental "Dog Coffin, " and then congratulating yourself for skipping the rest.