Profugus Mortis

God bless Nuclear Blast. They’ve given us so many class acts, like Nightwish! Who…released an awful abomination of an album soon after they got there. Or Dimmu Borgir! Who…are almost completely unlistenable. Or Arsis! Who…went from technical, melodic and complex Death Metal to worthless, trendy Tech Death nothingness within three albums. Okay, so they don’t exactly have the best record, but that’s just because they need to make money, like any corporation. So they put out music that continually disappoints, even reducing good bands like Rage to mediocrity at times. It’s practically a cause for rioting. So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that one of their newest corporate sell-out whores is Blackguard, who were formerly known as Profugus Mortis, and who debuted last year on this label with their first album, Profugus Mortis. Stunning originality, I know.

This is just music that makes me feel dumber as I listen to it. Nothing about this is in any way compelling or thought-provoking; it’s all very simple and basic. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing in some cases, but in this kind of speed-freak, technical jamboree of metal and folk influences, I’d expect some degree of thought to be put into something about it. Even their new name makes no sense; what kind of a name is Blackguard? It’s the kind of generic label that I’d expect to find on any kind of corporate logo. It could be an energy drink. A condom advertisement. A new brand of deodorant. What’s the connection to Heavy Metal?

The actual music is nothing short of uninteresting and annoying, the equivalent of a bunch of kids banging on pots and pans while the only one with a sore throat screams his lungs out…well, that’s probably how a lot of these kinds of bands got started, but I digress. There just isn’t much to say about this kind of stuff. It’s like Bal Sagoth without any songwriting talent. Sometimes they conjure up some vaguely good sounding melody or a riff that isn’t half bad, but that’s like one-in-five times. This band’s problem is that they have no subtlety. The keyboards are turned way up, the guitars bash out third-rate versions of already third-rate Korpiklaani riffs and the singer yowls like a banshee with its head cut off. Nothing is done in a way that entices the listener to hear more. Why would you want to? They sell themselves so goddamned short with the very first song that there isn’t a point in listening to the rest.

Indeed, “Scarlet to Snow,” the first track, is…okay, I’m about to embarrass myself here, because it really isn’t bad. The riffs are kind of fun and the band’s energy is endearing for all of three minutes, and that orchestral intro is pretty decent. So, like any third-rate act with no creativity or talent, what do they do? Repeat the same damn thing over and over again, drilling it into your consciousness until you are subdued into a mindless glaze. Or until you bang your head against the fucking wall because you can’t fucking take it anymore.

Every time they introduce some good idea, it is immediately flushed down the drain like Nuclear Blast was looking over their shoulders telling them not to write anything cool. Melodies and themes are repeated ad nauseam, with no regard for the listener’s peace of mind. It’s seriously like the band could have ended each of these songs a minute or even two minutes earlier, but they had to pad them out to make this a full length album, so they just repeated the same shit for an extra minute and a half. It’s excruciating. The silly, jingly keys are laid over this like butter on a cheap whore, and the whole thing just keeps annoying you over, and over, and over, and over…

I mean, goddamn! What the fuck is this, happy hour at the Finntroll clone bar? How is this entertainment? Blackguard may be trilling happily away at their pre-processed folksy instruments, but I’m sure not in any happy place tonight. I am just about sick of this happy-clappy, superficial electronic-folk-metal-lite bullshit, and I’m putting my foot down right here. Blackguard, you suck. Nuclear Blast, blow me. If this album is presented to you, just run; run far and run fast. I can’t stand even one more lick of this crap, so for me, this is over now. What a load of swill!