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When pompousness takes control: Vol III - 9%

BastardHead, March 22nd, 2008

This album will receive the lowest score I have ever given out. A fucking minuscule single digit. Why? When the album is so highly lauded as a masterpiece, why must one dickhead always come in and shit on it? Frankly, this album is one of the most overblown, self indulgent, overhyped, overpraised, and all around shittiest albums I've ever heard. There are no less than 11 vocalists on display here, with a grand total of 1 3/4 that are worth anything (Devin Townsend is worth the full point, the guy from Shadow Gallery gets the half, and Akerfeldt (as much as I loathe Opeth) is honestly a good vocalist, so he earns the other quarter point).

For those following this series of reviews, you'll notice that all of them so far have been concept albums with an ungodly number of tracks, this is no coincidence. It's not that I hate concept albums (I'll admit, I'm a huge Nevermore fan, and therefore love Dreaming Neon Black), but when they are done in this piss all annoying "epic" fashion, it just makes me want to spread my cheeks and sodomize myself with a loaded rifle.

The weirdest part about this one, is that a lot of my criticisms for Nightfall and Framing Armageddon aren't present here. It's actually a decent concept to me, it's executed well enough in theory, and I can follow the story without prior knowledge of random literature. Why do I hate this album so much then? Because this album is more of a lullaby soundtrack. I have never heard a more boring record than this. Only one song throughout the entirety of this pile of smoldering anus is Day Sixteen: Loser, and that's probably because only features two vocalists, thankfully the only two here that are any good. It's a catchy song and doesn't get boring or pretentious to the point of vomitous. (side note: I never knew that "vomitous" wasn't a word until right now... strange) And now that I think about it, Day Three: Pain isn't completely atrocious either. The main theme is catchy enough, and as long as you ignore that grating chorus, it isn't terrible.

The rest of the album is punch worthy though. If I ever met this Arjen asshole.... *thinks murderous thoughts* Day Seven is disgustingly poppy enough to warrant a buzzsaw to the forehead. There are 20 fucking tracks, almost none of which are catchy, memorable, or good by any standards by which I measure a song by. Virtuosity, technicality, and good singing, do not make a great song. Listen to Eternal Nightmare, Sean Killian is one of the worst vocalists in metal history, but who in their right mind would ever say that that isn't one of the finest thrash records of all time? Same deal with Heathen. Everybody here on the other hand, actually ranks as a technically wonderful vocalist (barring LaBrie, I know maybe six people and one dog who thinks he has a good voice), but they don't stand out at all. Nobody does anything that doesn't sound like they are just going through the motions, which is a shame. And also, the best vocalists enlisted on this project get the least amount of time!

Unlike the first two in the series, I can't go into horridly vivid detail about everything, because this isn't like the first two. Only one track stands out as a heavenly oasis of awesome in an otherwise barren desert of ass, every other song sucks a fat one (in case you haven't picked up on it, Loser is the only good thing here). It's all extremely generic prog metal wankery with goofy instruments and weird time signatures just to prove how insidiously "progressive" the whole thing is. It's akin to the whole raw black metal garbage, where each band tries to sound rawer and more evil than the previous; prog does the same thing in the sense that it has to be more and more "out there" with bizarre time signatures whatnot.

In conclusion, the album = overindulgent and dull, the vision = good in theory, but proves to big of a project for even this Arjen backpfeifengesicht (German word meaning "a face that's just begging for somebody to put their fist through it"), the individual songs, all completely boring and plodding.

I can think of a rather long list of things I'd rather shove up my ass than ever hear any of the 19 tracks that aren't "Loser" again.