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A faggoth masterpiece! - 30%

GrimAndFrostbitten, September 23rd, 2003

Mad Grandiose Bloodfiends is quite possibly one of the worst metal albums ever made -- however, unlike most godawful albums, this one is just hilariously bad. It's utter faggoth, focusing its themes on blood drinking, vampires, pseudo-satanic women, and a very large amount of drug-induced orgies. The only exception is one Norwegian nationalistic song, "Her Northern Majesty."

Musically, there are all the elements of really bad faggoth - blastbeats with weak drumming, raspy (but relatively understandable in this case) male vocals, mediocre female vocals, and lots of KEYBOARDS. Most of Aphazel's guitar riffing, when not taking second seat to poor keyboard playing by JESUS CHRIST!, is pitifully weak and often reminiscient of hard rock, some of it bordering stuff like Marilyn Manson would do in songs like Um Sonho Psycodelico. The first two songs are mostly fast, but only based on blastbeats and baffling vocals, but most of the album consits of slow, plodding songs that go on forever and are just outright bad, but at least have variety unlike bands like Opeth. For some reason, they also have what sounds like a Samba dance song called 5 with what seems like faint sounds of a troll orgy in the background. There are a few decent riffs, as in Vampirize Natasha, and a few decent solos interspersed throughout the album, but most of it it is just weak. When put together, however, it's mostly confused and comes off as poorly composed.

Oh, and they completely raped a classic Mercyful Fate song with terrible, terrible male/female vocals and overdistorted guitar. Oddly enough, they included a solo, but it's still bad.

The upside? The lyrics and themes, while somewhat well written and imaginitive, are just outright terrible, but in a good way. When put into bad music, they're even more humorous. If you need something to make you laugh and cheer you up, and can find it cheap, give this album a listen. I'll can only give you a few quotes to show you how great this album is:

"An orgasmic celebration of flesh ensues, our eyes luster with desires hue, copulation grins upon my face, as we cum all over the fuckin' place!" -- Um Sonho Psychodelico

"Thou art the bringer of orgasms supreme! ... ... I love you!!! I love you!!! I love you!!! I love you!!! (x10)" -- Hecate, my Love and Lust

"Violently, I'll fuck your pernicious cunt, while consuming the precious life-force, thoroughly enjoying the sweet flavor!" -- Vampirize Natasha