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Cringe-worthy but hilarious - 5%

UncleMeat, May 5th, 2009

My mind has officially been blown. After I heard Witch Tomb’s 'Mocking Jehovah' LP, I thought I would never hear a worse attempt at the black/death metal genre ever again. I stuck to this notion for about a week, until I came across… this.

First of all, the biggest mistake on this demo is the atrocious drum machine. Drum machines in metal ALWAYS sound like shit, and there is no way to get around it. They really should never be used, and this is not a very difficult rule to follow. If you don’t have a drummer, and a drum machine is your only option, then just simply don’t bother releasing anything until you find a real drummer, because I can assure you, it will probably suck. Now if you are using a drum machine in a rather unconventional fashion and do not try to pull it off as sounding like an authentic drum set, then there is potential for good results. A perfect example of where it has worked would be Thrones or Godflesh, both of which don't use blastbeats.

Here, the drum machine is comparable to a device that synthetically squirts shots of liquid shit, all of which are spooged out at a consistent rapidity, with each squirt sharing the same pitch and application of pressure with no variation at all. The sound this mechanism makes is an excruciatingly repetitive wall of audible diarrhea, and it’s not even the cool kind of diarrhea either. There is not an array of different colors, there are no fascinating scents, no unidentified substances, etc. Instead, the kind of diarrhea it creates is a bland, colorless pool of gravy.

The guitar provides the perfect form of accompaniment by being almost equally as shitty as the drum machine. This “Shemhanforash” fellow is pretty damn terrible. He sounds like he has been playing for roughly 2 weeks, and that is in no way an exaggeration. He could not play his way out of a paper bag and has no sense of rhythm whatsoever. I really don’t know why this guy has so much trouble staying in time, especially with a drum machine. One time, I saw a mentally retarded kid with his dad in an instrument store playing guitar to a pre-programmed drum machine built into the amp. He was better than this guy. Okay, that was a lie, but still... what the fuck? His guitar tone reminds me of what some cheap Squier would sound like if it was plugged into a cardboard box, which may have been at least SOMEWHAT excusable if his riffs were not so mind bogglingly shitty, but they are. They really are. I’d say the only thing about this demo that isn’t completely and utterly unbearable is the vocals. But don’t get me wrong, as they still suck. They are lifeless, strained rasps without an ounce of conviction in them, and probably would be more fitting for a b-movie demon roll or something.

I am a big fan of the bestial black/death metal genre. I absolutely worship bands such as Blasphemy, Abhorer, Mystifier, Bestial Warlust, Blasphemophagher etc. And like all genres, it has its fare share of shitty bands, but nothing quite like this. You really have to hear it to believe it, but trust me, you’re better off just forgetting about it entirely, as will everyone else once they stop releasing stuff (I’ve heard the new material, with the drummer, and it still sucks).