This definitely makes me want to poke my eyes out.

Reviews for Black Cult's Demo-Ensaio

no is bad!!!!! - 45%
Written by Joao_Rafael on June 30th, 2008

nao e mal pois eles tem pouco dinheiro.

Another case of 'title=review' Maybe Brazilians/Portuguese could translate this?

One for Dunkles Gebet's Demo 1

Excuse me? It�s that BM? - 0%
Written by Naamath on July 1st, 2008

No comments, no words need it, no BM, no compromise, only grains in her face.

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Grains...in her face......?

Grains in her face is competing with Occaz The Frangins as my favourite line from this thread.

One for Caligulae Crucis's Forgotten (in the chamber) penned by a mystic with downs syndrome?

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Forgotten (in the chamber) - 100%
Written by Necroworshipper on July 3rd, 2008

It always exists "before", "during" and "after". "Before", "during" and "after" of the black metal it has a single name: Caligulae Crucis.

This demo, maybe the first today known testimony of band the cult for excellence, represents a mystic ceremony from the evil Obducto.zx and Brutus474.

Before the time. Before the space. Before the pain. Before all there's just the dwelling of the nothing. The empty reign of the silence that annihilates everything. This is the beginning of "Forgotten (in the chamber)": more than 10 minutes of silence.

An heavy silence, the silence of the solitude of a young abandoned girl. Bound, tightened from infernal ropes. The silence of who has finished the tears. A silence of fear and a horror.

The cerimony is beginning. Dark noises, heavy steps, screams of a girl who not dare to imagine what is going to happen. Screams that are calling a god, that is impotent in front of the absolute evil.

Down in the deep abyss of the human soul. Down in the darker evil. Down until the heart of perversion. Down where no God dares to turn its look. Down in the cellar of torture and pleasure.

The door is now opened. Brutus474 and Obducto.zx give beginning to the dances. To speak about black metal is reductive. To associate this masterpiece to other productions of the sort is an insult. This is not a production for the heart weak people, the weak spirit people and those people who believe that black metal is JUST music.

This is the first shot of the album that Caligulae Crucis direct to all the "baby blakie" that think to play black metal or to live black metal or to be black metal.

By just this shot Caligulae Crucis demolish a decade of extreme music and send to bed the "unholy fathers". If a dogma 95 of the black metal exists, it would be "Forgotten". If a manifesto of extreme music exists, Caligulae Crucis would be the single authors. If it existed testamente of all this, nobody would be never a worthy heir.

The complains, the screams, the laughs, the obsessing riffing, the tortures, the coitus, the cum, the paranoid, the hurts, the blood, the rape, the total evil, the humid cellar.

This is "during". This is the life that you would want to never live. This is your prison. This is the suffering. This is what you have attended in hush. This is the alive heart heart of the universe. The evil meant like pure force, scope of the same creation. The evil that rises to the role of vital lymph of the entire universe. The evil that exercises its dominion in secret, ready to hit anyone.

"During" continues in the second track. It continues where the many could not be never pushed. The animal fury that has animated the first track has ended. The bad creator force leaves the field to the evil that destroys, that it annihilates, than takes the right of life and dead. "Chained and forgotten" is the hallucinatory testimony of a human reduced in slavery.

While the riffing is becoming more heavy, Brutus474 gags the object of its perverted pleasure. The duet chained again the girl.

This great song continues between lashes, sexual harassments and violence, until the only things that can be heard are a closing door, far steps and a despairing complain. A tearful complain that slowly vanish until the ceremony is concluded in the same way in which was begun: a chilling hush.

The ceremony is ended. The circle is closed. The "after" scares more than the "during". The genius of this band does not have equal.

After to have listened "Forgotten (in the chamber)" nobody can come back. After to have understood the meaning of the works of the Caliguale Crucis it is impossible also think to compare them to others exponents of extreme music. After Caligulae Crucis there is the nothing.

There is no salvation. There is no redention. There is no mercyful god.

This is a masterpiece for little elect ones. A unhuman portrait and metaphor of the truth.

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It's enigmatic, I'll give him that.

After looking through the band's page I can say it's either one big hoax, or abysmal retardation. Seems like that review was written either by a band's member or one of their close friends.

Wow. That was hilarious! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. If Borat or Skwisgar Skwigelf decided to write a black metal review, it would look something like that.

Review for Andre Matos's Time To Be Free

time to be free - 100%
Written by tkcientista on July 3rd, 2008

perfect.

That right there is textbook awesome. Necroworshipper

In some way he is right: there is no mercyful god. There is Mercyful Fate.

Thank god for Engrish.

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Reviews for Pureless Divine's Out Of Darkness

fantastic, a very pleasant sound! - 85%
Written by pereirinha on July 9th, 2008

When i see this demo CD thank that not be important. But after of listen the songs, i samply loved this CD. Goods vocals, guitars, keyboards. The recording leaved of desire but... very nice!

1 - Out Of Darkness - This melodies of this song is similar to "forever" from Stratovarius, with acoustic guitars and folk keyboards. Very good! (5 out of 5)

2 - Carry On Away - Acoustic song in style of gospel/rock or hard rock. With beautiful vocals and backing vocals, with melodicals acoustic guitars and the longest acoustic song thati i listened. (5 out of 5)

3 - Jesus Christ - Weighted song in power/heavy in tracks of hard rock. The smallest song from this CD. But good! (4 out of 5)

4 - Neither Too Much, Nor Too Little - This is a wonderful song! beautiful! The song starts in a big speed and melody, with classical influences, vocal technicals and fastest guitars, wonderful! note 10! (4 out of 5)

Your typical blurb from Rate Your Music for Head on Collision's Ritual Sacrifice
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A great thrash album from a great thrash band. - 100%
Written by riotofviolence on July 7th, 2008

Head on Collision's Debut Album "Ritual Sacrifice" is an all out, Balls to the wall, thrash metal Masterpiece. With 11 Brutal Tracks, these Saint Louis thrashers definitely know what they are doing when it comes to playing no-nonsense thrash metal. There are no fillers on this album that's for sure, and when your done listening to it, your gonna want more and more. If you enjoy the likes of, Kreator, Sodom, Old Sepultura and Slayer, than you will love this album.

Review for Aquaria's Luxaeterna

Master Band - 100%
Written by Porygon_Z on July 9th, 2008

Aquaria is the very good band, and the album luxaeterna is the pruebe to the very good work is alcansin.

What?

@Corimgnul's find: thank that not be important? I samply loved this CD?

Review for Slaughter House's Face Reality

Open up those legs and let me check your spread - 2%
Written by pigvomit81 on July 11th, 2008

This album is SHIT.... the only saving grace is time to pleez for it's cheesy lyrics. I suggest if you are looking for a laugh, pick this up from the bargain bin. I picked this one up 8 years ago for $2. The cover photo was worth that alone.

Not horrible, but posted here for some ogling. I haven't rejected/accepted it yet.
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For Within Temptation's The Heart of Everything

Pompous, overblown, symphonic.. Best album of 2007 - 99%
Written by chinhealer on July 10th, 2008

Firstly, comparing Within Temptation unfavourably to Evanescence is a bit like turning your nose up at Bollinger whilst simultaneously extolling the virtues of ASDA Smart Price plonk. Amy Lee whines a bit and navel-gazes a lot and writes largely inane lyrics and occasionally comes up with a half-decent song like Going Under.
WT, on the other hand, boast Sharon den Adel whose ethereal voice is a thing of great beauty, great passion and great power. WT's songwriting is far more subtle and interesting - these guys (and gal) know their way round a fantastic tune. Oh, and if we're talking chronology and copy-cattery, WT's inception pre-dates that of Evanescence by about two years. If you MUST compare WT to any band, let it be one of the calibre of The Gathering or Nightwish. (Both of whom I have a soft spot for, but neither of whom surpass WT in my eyes.)
So, anyway, T.H.O.E. is a classic. It bulges with a handful of songs which have already joined the Heavy Metal pantheon forever, I believe. Yes, I think The Howling, What Have You Done?, Frozen, Our Solemn Hour, The Cross and Forgiven have all earned the right to be mentioned in the same breath as Black Sabbath, Better By You, Better Than Me, The Phantom of the Opera (think Daley Thompson and Lucozade ads rather than Michael Crawford and West End/Broadway stages!), In the Still of the Night, One, Angel of Death, Livin' On A Prayer, The Final Countdown, Samarithan, The Clerical Conspiracy, Smoke on the Water, Stairway to Heaven, Let There Be Rock, K.I.N.G., Spiritual Healing, Wild Child, Eye of the Tiger, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, Ace of Spades, Bohemian Rhapsody etc etc etc.
Sure, T.H.O.E. sags a bit in the final third, but there's not an album in existence that doesn't have its boring bits. WT are a phenomenon. They are a peerless live band and you get the feeling that, sure, as they mature they progress and evolve in all sorts of ways, but they started off with such astounding quality that their earlier albums are as essential as this one. I mean, jeez! Enter and Restless and Ice Queen and Mother Earth and Caged and Deceiver of Fools and Angels and Stand My Ground and Memories.... they've come up with classic after classic ever since they burst onto the scene. I don't see this kind of quality in any other band today. WT are the epitome of Metal in the Noughties!

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How'd The Clerical Conspiracy and K.I.N.G. get corralled into that barrage of overplayed well-knowns.

For Helmet's Wilma's Rainbow

Just Another View - 89%
Written by War_Moon_Lord11 on July 10th, 2008

This EP is just a good sample of Helmet Live. I personally saw Helmet perform with Rollins Band Back In 93 or 94 and they were just super loud!!! They had a great sound back then and now that they are regrouped, they dont even sound like how they used to. AHHH the good old 90"s.

I don't think the WT one should be accepted...It's a list, not a review. But what an odd mix of songs... and DAMN, if I could mention them all in the one breath, I should start diving without an oxygen tank!

The only idea about music I get from that WT review is that the singer's voice is "a thing of great beauty". That means it doesn't describe music at all, so it shouldn't be accepted.

Don't worry, it wasn't.

A review for Queensrÿche's EP

Fucking Heavy Metal - 95%
Written by Zabulus_Adoratio666 on July 13th, 2008

Begin with Queen of The Reich that is a song much strong, i have to highlight the voice of Geoff Tate, that screems are amazing. Is hard to think that this song was be created by the same artist that make the song "Silent Lucidity". Pitifully is like this, and they lost all those things that made of Queensrÿche a good Heavy Metal Band. To finish i have to say that is a great album, for me the only redeemable of Queensrÿche.

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Unfortunately, it was not a review much strong.

One for Ghäst's Split -

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Ghäst / yoga - 100%
Written by tdsrecords on July 14th, 2008


クトゥルー神話の創始者であるH.P.ラヴクラフトやホラー映画に
影響を受けたカナダのオカルト・ドゥームバンドのGHASTと、
切り取られた記憶を回想するような壊れたオルゴールのようで
独特のダーク・アンビエント・サウンドを構築させたアメリカの新鋭
エクスペリメンタル・ブラック・ドローンYOGAとのスプリット作品。
2008年リリース。全10曲入り。

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The Canadian national anthem in Mandarin.

Do you know Mandarin?

I think it's Japanese.

Yea, a check on Babelfish puts it as Japanese, with this being the translation:

H.P. [ravukurahuto] and GHAST of occult [doumubando] of Canada which receives influence to the fear movie and it seems that recollects the memory which is cut off with like the music box which is broken new experimental black drawn YOGA of America which made unique darkness [anbiento] sound construct being the founder of [kutouru] myth the split work. 2008 release. All the 10 tune entering.

Nah, it was a good enough guess.

you're kidding, right? finnish would've been just as good a guess. i don't mean to be rude or a smart ass, but it's easy to see that there are three different sets of characters used. so everyone with basic knowledge about languages would've realised it's Japanese, right?

Let's be fair; the average person doesn't possess the knowledge to realise that the above passage contains katakana, hiragana and kanji. The assumption that it's one of the asian languages is a fair guess to say the least.

The only reason I know is because japanese is a commonly taught language in schools here.

If I had put at the end of my post, would that have dispelled my supposed seriousness?

One for Dimmu Borgir's Enthrone Darkness Triumphant
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A Good Album - 100%
Written by Black_Emperor on July 18th, 2008

Undoubtedly someone the best disc of the whole history of this Norwegian band with touches of darkness and Satanism does it and tranforma in an atmosphere that small music inside the scene of the black metal they can manage to have

Because of it this disc deserves a mension very eespecial but clearly the disadvantage that has that with this disc dimmu borgir I commercialize too much but if someone doubts this marketing I take them to the success nowadays

Enthrone darkness triumpahnt very good disc

An awesomely sick one for Children of Bodom's In Your Face DVD
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Children of Bodom - 100%
Written by disturmination5792 on July 18th, 2008

I would just like to say that Children of Bodom is one of the most sickest bands out there. In my opinion, Children of Bodom is very artistic with there music. For example, Alexi. Alexi is awesome. Just look at him, his style is freaking awesome. Also not to forget, his voice it is crazy, and he must have talent to play guitar and sing.

Janne I must say is just the most sickest keyboard player out there. To tell you the truth, I look up to him. I play keyboard which I got in December of 2007, and I just hope that I one day can be as good as he is. He moves so quickly playing the keyboard. He plays it like it is nothing, so point to be, he is good.

I would also really like to tell all of you haters out there that think Children of Bodom stink, or suck or just can' t play to save there lives. Alexi, Roope, Janne, Henkka and Jaska are one of the most craziest bands and there. They rule when they play on stage. I don't know of any band out there that has a similarity to Children of Bodom. The only similarity is Metal.



Shaun Beam----

Woah!! He plays guitar and sings - how many musicians do that??

Sure must be one talented mofo!

Review for Circuit V. Panther's Sexy Finger



Circuit V Panther - 100%
Written by you on July 19th, 2008

... m ...

For Fairyland's Of Wars in Osyrhia:

I love reading through this thread; it's hilarious.



This right here takes the cake though. Yeah it was posted a while ago but it makes me laugh every time I read it.

A simple WTF!? does not suffice for this review.

guess it would've helped. I actually thought you were serious