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What an interesting thread, with plenty of useful insight, and an invaluable contribution to the world of metal! I shall participate!
I think any British band would beat the crap out of Metallica any time, because they practice in football matches, bars, and Ibiza all the time; that's why they have no clean teeth, and I've seen it on telly. Most deathcore bands have either huge muscles or none whatsoever, and an deathcore deathmatch cup would lead to gratifying neo-Darwinian pruning of the genre, I mean, like, shit, the 6% of them with a real attitude would kill the other 97% in like 12 seconds flat. Almost any metal band would kick the shit out of any rap or nu metal band, of course, because rappers use the "ghetto grip" and can't hit shit, and metal bands have spiked leather armour and can shoot any big gun. But that's not the point, we are talking about melee here, right? Power metal bands generally have swords and stuff, but they also like gay stuff like rapist dolphins and claim to kill dragons, but since the only non-extinct dragons are from Komodo island, and there are no bands there, that's just bullshit and Manowar would slay the European PM bands just like that, and most USPM bands, too. Indonesians have a lot of goregrind bands an like totally brutal DM, and they are brutal people, and would hack through ANY German bands with their machetes in seconds. German bands, except Accept of course, are dead meat in these tournaments, because the WWII peace treaty had the stuff about male hormones being removed from the men there (but not the women, that's why old German ladies have moustaches and their opera singers with horned helmets are the size of a Volkswagen). Italians could not fight in the WWII, except the Bersaglieris, but they had funny hats, and therefore Italian bands can only fight the Pope and bears crapping in the woods. And since the Pope looks like Emperor Palpatine, it would be Slaughter in the Vatican, except the Pope winning. Norwegians are either skinny penguins or gays, and Varg is goofy enough to first kill his countrymen and only then attacking the rest of the world, and even if he has killed like several euronymoussyes, and has thus had practice, I don't think he'd even manage to kill the Gothenburg scene because he'd be alone at that point. I got a rose from a drunken man in hotpants in 1996 in a bar on a Sunday morning in Malmö, BTW, true story, and if that's what you do, there's NO WAY any of the bands from there could be worth anything except as a blunt weapons wielded by a gargantuan drummer of a Polish death metal band. The NSBM bands would a tough nut to crack, because you can't, like, know in advance what kind of insane moves they have, but since they are by definition maximally inbred, I'd say they are easy to kill with bitchslapping, I mean like osteoporosis and porphyria are prevalent in them I think, so no contestants there. Folk metal bands are used to brawling, and any band with pirate theme are likely to be toughies due to their constant bar fights and mating with dirty wenches. Technical bands are wussies, and would not dare to punch anyone because they fear for their precious fingers 'cause you can't shred if the knuckles are all swollen. Vomit Sodomy won't participate, because the vocalist is a pacifist neo-nazi with antivegan tendencies and only eats stuff that eats other stuff, except that he only eats them as roadkill to avoid harming live animals; his tactics has always been to take a beating bravely until the police arrives. South America has some interesting bands in this respect, but the Argentinians only listen to Nightwish and Nightwish cover bands and comb their hair, and Brazilians with the ju-juzu are busy killing off capybaras and native tribes, and the rest of the countries are either commies or live in the mountains with their lllamas, funny hats and ponchos, so to get them to the octagon in the first place is quite unlikely. So, to sum it all up, I'd say it's a 50/60 chance of the final round in the tournament being Alestorm vs Decapitating Betwixts the Brainbucket. The first ones are meanies with pirates in their songs, and the latter would totally annihilate their core brethen with their huge tattooed muscles and would get SO much practice before any serious fights that they'd be totally ripped, because as I mentioned most of the core crowd would be like totally like practice dummies for them, and the turntablist is psychotic on three whole cannabis and steroids all the time anyway, and you can't stop such a berserk with shoulders like wild hogs and pecs that resemble prize-winning pumpkins from the biannual Wisconsin State Farmer's Fair.
That's the wisdom here, dudes, nothing else to say about this.
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Chest wounds suck (when properly inflicted).
-Butch-
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