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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
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Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 8:07 am 
 

I like CadenZ's reviews overall, especially their enthusiasm, but there are some real cringy moments in most of them.
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Emptiness Cycle
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2015 11:07 am
Posts: 417
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 8:11 am 
 

Diamhea wrote:
I like CadenZ's reviews overall, especially their enthusiasm, but there are some real cringy moments in most of them.


I agree. I've been coaching CadenZ a fair bit with rejected articles - he has some great ideas and concepts. I think given a bit more familiarity with site standards, he would be an excellent reviewer.

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Myrkrarfar
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:27 pm
Posts: 165
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 9:25 am 
 

Thanks for the feedback. Almost all reviews I'm submitting were originally written for Global Domination some years back, and on that site we went full-on crazy at times. No filters, whatsoever.

What I'm trying to do now is to reconfigure them after M-A's guidelines, if they do get rejected. Sometimes it's pretty hard to know what the problem is, when the only reason for rejection is "read the guidelines". I understand, of course, that mods don't have all the time in the world to comment, so I'll just carry on as best I can.

As for the "cringy", care to elaborate? I'd be glad to know what could be done better, so I can up my game. My first guess would be the below-the-belt humour, so beloved back in the GD days...
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Emptiness Cycle
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2015 11:07 am
Posts: 417
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 10:10 am 
 

CadenZ wrote:
Thanks for the feedback. Almost all reviews I'm submitting were originally written for Global Domination some years back, and on that site we went full-on crazy at times. No filters, whatsoever.

What I'm trying to do now is to reconfigure them after M-A's guidelines, if they do get rejected. Sometimes it's pretty hard to know what the problem is, when the only reason for rejection is "read the guidelines". I understand, of course, that mods don't have all the time in the world to comment, so I'll just carry on as best I can.

As for the "cringy", care to elaborate? I'd be glad to know what could be done better, so I can up my game. My first guess would be the below-the-belt humour, so beloved back in the GD days...


For my part, I will make rejections more clear to help you, as I greatly value your efforts on this site. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Some of your jokes are brilliant - I do similar in my articles. It's hard to recall a particular cringe moment, but should one come up - I'll give you a little mentoring if you don't object.

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Myrkrarfar
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:27 pm
Posts: 165
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 2:23 pm 
 

Emptiness Cycle wrote:
For my part, I will make rejections more clear to help you, as I greatly value your efforts on this site. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Some of your jokes are brilliant - I do similar in my articles. It's hard to recall a particular cringe moment, but should one come up - I'll give you a little mentoring if you don't object.


That sounds great! English is my third language and my humour is pretty niche so mentoring will be gratefully and humbly received. Thanks for the kind words; I'm just happy to contribute.
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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3928
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 6:22 pm 
 

Third language. I wish I knew three languages as well as you do. This board has been pretty crazy to be on. The multi-lingual skills are strong.
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iamntbatman
Chaos Breed

Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:55 am
Posts: 11421
Location: Tyrn Gorthad
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 12:30 am 
 

DoomMetalAlchemist wrote:
I actually brought up this BringMeMyScissors Om review in the oven fodder thread, as it takes until the very last sentence of the eighth paragraph to have anything to do with music at all, let alone the specific album in question, and then it takes up until the 25th paragraph to actually start describing the album in question. So that leaves about 6 paragraphs worth of an album review in a 30 paragraph work, and eight paragraphs of that 30 paragraph work about nothing even tangentially related to music.

In the oven fodder thread I said I thought the review should be deleted because it contained so much extraneous nonsense. Never got a response.


You didn't get a response because those reviews are incredible and not going anywhere.

I'm almost entirely certain the_navy_blue_vicar and BringMeMyScissors are the same person. Gotta be.
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Myrkrarfar
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:27 pm
Posts: 165
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 1:44 am 
 

Grave_Wyrm wrote:
Third language. I wish I knew three languages as well as you do. This board has been pretty crazy to be on. The multi-lingual skills are strong.


Well, that's what early exposure does to you! And I agree, the linguistics on these boards are routinely on a high level, regardless of posters' point of origin, it seems.

Also; those weird older reviews linked to on the previous page were hilarious! It's a little sad if creativity of that kind can't fit under the site guidelines anymore, if that's the case.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
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Location: China
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 11:26 pm 
 

BastardHead wrote:
SweetLeaf95 wrote:
BH: Do you dislike ballads in general, or just ones that are thrown onto speedy energetic records?


As a general rule, the latter. Ballads are fine in principle, they're songs like any other and metal bands have written several good ones, but for my taste, stuff like the title track on Paradise Lost or The Bard's Song on Somewhere Far Beyond are the exception while usually you get shitty go-nowhere nonsense like Pray completely grinding the momentum on a huge, powerful, energetic album like Somewhere Out in Space to a halt.


Wow, that's amazing, I think I might just have found my brother in ballads. Symphony X's 'Paradise Lost' is a fucking excellent ballad and really noy worthy of the name because it does a lot musically that I wouldn't expect a ballad to do. 'Pray' got trashed in my own review on Gamma Ray, although I think that album could have used a different kind of lighter song in the same position since it's pretty brutal for PM. On the other hand, I always have a query about Blind Guardian ballads - is it only Lord of the Rings fans who like them? 'Cos that's got to be the key demographic unless I'm missing something.

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1640
Location: China
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 11:33 pm 
 

DoomMetalAlchemist wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
I have a question for you guys. What's the funniest review you've ever read? Like genuinely funny, not "oven fodder" funny.

I reckon the last laugh is from this bloke, BringMeMyScissors, who only ever wrote Om reviews and probably checked himself into an institution right after this one: http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Om/Live_Conference/241668/BringMeMyScissors/219911


I actually brought up this BringMeMyScissors Om review in the oven fodder thread, as it takes until the very last sentence of the eighth paragraph to have anything to do with music at all, let alone the specific album in question, and then it takes up until the 25th paragraph to actually start describing the album in question. So that leaves about 6 paragraphs worth of an album review in a 30 paragraph work, and eight paragraphs of that 30 paragraph work about nothing even tangentially related to music.

In the oven fodder thread I said I thought the review should be deleted because it contained so much extraneous nonsense. Never got a response.


I think that objectively you're totally right: the Scissors bloke doesn't follow many of the guidelines, waffles like a Belgian coffee house, and doesn't leave a particularly clear description of the music. But from the viewpoint of sheer writing quality and "creative journalism", there are a bunch of guys all discussing this 30 paragraph review on this forum several years later, so it was clearly interesting enough to read through at least a couple of times each. In addition, sometimes the context does help because I can't really explain an Om release by saying "Oh one guy plays bass riffs and the other likes hitting his cymbals".

I've got a couple of reviews (although those were written after I was accepted as a scribe) that describe the music more metaphorically than literally, just because the experience of listening to an album like 'Holy Mountain' isn't really a literal experience.

But I totally get your point. You are objectively correct.

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Twisted_Psychology
Metal freak

Joined: Sat May 16, 2009 8:22 pm
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 8:40 am 
 

I love Seventh Star and Bayern's new review of it is pretty good, but I gotta say that I have never seen a ballad compilation with "No Stranger to Love" on it in my life.
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MetalCuresHeadaches
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2009 5:35 pm
Posts: 1150
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 9:02 am 
 

iamntbatman wrote:
You didn't get a response because those reviews are incredible and not going anywhere.


I think you meant to say they're incredibly tedious, but you're right, they don't go anywhere. They ramble, on and on, endlessly meandering in no particular direction, completely ignoring the core elements encouraged by today's submission standards. I've watched soap operas with less pointless filler than this review.

CadenZ wrote:
It's a little sad if creativity of that kind can't fit under the site guidelines anymore, if that's the case.


I don't think it's that creativity is discouraged here, I think the problem is that most of the people who attempt to review in that vein are just not that good at it. I'm sure a many of the rejected people attempting to review in a humorous fashion here are either people that either haven't sharped their writing skills, which lowers their overall product, people who genuinely aren't funny, or they're people trying to imitate the style of other odd-ball reviews that made it here. Not everyone can be an UltraBoris.
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demonomania
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 11:44 am
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 9:25 am 
 

DenZel is the man, good to see some of those quality GD reviews here.
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caspian
Old Man Yells at Car Park

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
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Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 9:48 am 
 

Man it doesn't sound like MetalCuresHeadaches is any fun at parties.
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TrooperEd
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2004 6:18 pm
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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 11:37 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Wow, that's amazing, I think I might just have found my brother in ballads. Symphony X's 'Paradise Lost' is a fucking excellent ballad and really noy worthy of the name because it does a lot musically that I wouldn't expect a ballad to do. 'Pray' got trashed in my own review on Gamma Ray, although I think that album could have used a different kind of lighter song in the same position since it's pretty brutal for PM. On the other hand, I always have a query about Blind Guardian ballads - is it only Lord of the Rings fans who like them? 'Cos that's got to be the key demographic unless I'm missing something.



I'm not a Lord of the Rings fan and I like BG ballads fine (though I do think Bard's Song needs to take a vacation from the live set for a couple of tours).
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MetalCuresHeadaches
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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 6:10 pm 
 

caspian wrote:
Man it doesn't sound like MetalCuresHeadaches is any fun at parties.


Heh, you caught me at 9AM after a 14 hour graveyard shift. I get the point of the review, I never said I didn't find it humorous at times, but it's 30-something paragraphs long, the majority of which are in no way music/release-oriented. I'm convinced there's no way that review would get accepted if it was submitted tomorrow morning.
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TheStormIRide
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Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:45 pm
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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 10:51 pm 
 

Great to see Hellripper finally getting some more reviews! That being said, SweetLeaf, you're crazy thinking Coagulating Darkness needed multiple listens because it's bland. That's some album of the year quality there.

Cheers Don (slayerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) and Mjollnir!
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mjollnir
Metalhead

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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 11:08 pm 
 

TheStormIRide wrote:
Great to see Hellripper finally getting some more reviews! That being said, SweetLeaf, you're crazy thinking Coagulating Darkness needed multiple listens because it's bland. That's some album of the year quality there.

Cheers Don (slayerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) and Mjollnir!

It may have taken a few weeks but I finally reviewed it. That album is in continuing rotation here. I'm not sure where SweetLeaf gets the bland part. The riffs are pummeling. I'm not sure what he's looking for in this album. As I said, the only complaint with the album is there isn't more of it!
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Edit: fuck it this whole thing is bait anyway.


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Sweetie
Metalhead

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Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 12:31 am 
 

Bland may be a bad word, I kinda had a tough time coming up with the right word. It's somewhat biased because I have a harder time getting into black metal driven stuff (since I'm not a very big fan of BM), even though it's also very thrash and speed metal oriented. That's why it took me a few listens.

Edit: Re-reading, that was my own fault. That was one of my occasional "write a review before I'm sure how to put it and submit it" reviews. If you give my most recent one (Power Trip) a read once it's accepted, that record is very much worth checking out.
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Tanuki
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2016 12:36 pm
Posts: 425
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 9:51 am 
 

SweetLeaf95 wrote:
Edit: Re-reading, that was my own fault. That was one of my occasional "write a review before I'm sure how to put it and submit it" reviews. If you give my most recent one (Power Trip) a read once it's accepted, that record is very much worth checking out.

Nice review! Couldn't really see the Reign in Blood comparison for solos, myself, but I agreed with all of your other points. Awesome album, for sure.

Also pretty amazed to see another review for Tormentor's Goddess of Love. Way better than my review, too :lol: It's a lot more descriptive of the music and a lot more fair about the album's slow pacing and rock-influence. Great read, kudos Gutterscream

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wrathchild_88
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:16 pm
Posts: 495
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2017 8:43 am 
 

Valfars_Ghost's review of Celtic Frost's To Mega Therion wrote:
By the time Celtic Frost got around to making this album, the Swedish wrecking crew...

An honest mistake perhaps, but a stupid one.
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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 9:16 am 
 

:lol:

Bayern wrote a good review for Black Sabbath's Seventh Star. Personally I wouldn't rate it as high, but it's a good read nonetheless.

So, I'm currently working on a review for Obsecration's Oceanum Oblivione and I'm having trouble describing what it musically sounds like since I'm not sure what the band got influenced by while writing this stuff. What would you people recommend me to do in this case?

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Sweetie
Metalhead

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Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 12:06 am 
 

The most recent review for Power Trip is alright, but it mentions 2010's clean production. I have to disagree with that, seeing that I think this is one of the very few new thrash records that could pull off an older, not as clean production, making it sound way more genuine, with the classic thrash sound. Maybe it's just me...
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Jophelerx
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:22 pm
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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 1:40 am 
 

colin040 wrote:
:lol:

Bayern wrote a good review for Black Sabbath's Seventh Star. Personally I wouldn't rate it as high, but it's a good read nonetheless.

So, I'm currently working on a review for Obsecration's Oceanum Oblivione and I'm having trouble describing what it musically sounds like since I'm not sure what the band got influenced by while writing this stuff. What would you people recommend me to do in this case?

Bayern's reviews are fine, but his scoring system seems to be more or less the following:

100% - Amazing
97-99% - Great
94-96% - Good
91-94% - Decent
0-90% - Lame

It's just annoying to me because sometimes I only have a chance to/feel like glancing over scores, and the scores he gives don't really seem to match the content to me. This is coming from someone for whom <70 = meh.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

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Location: China
PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 5:15 am 
 

Please let's not start on Bayern's scoring system. I think a score below 50% would actually involve him being abducted and beaten by members of the band.

On the other hand, some of his points are pretty silly, like the fact that he thinks Candlemass 'Ancient Dreams' is a thrash album. Sure, it's not all 'Iron Man' riffs, but saying that 'A Cry from the Crypt' "is speed/thrash at its heaviest, most doom-laden form that puts to shame half the functional at the time thrash brotherhood" just shows that either he doesn't know what speed/thrash means or he hasn't listened to the song.

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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 6:56 am 
 

I get what he was going for (lots of bands were getting more uptempo in the mid-late 80s and Candlemass has never really colored inside the lines when it comes to the "tune low, play slow" ethos of doom) but yeah he got pretty liberal with his genre assignments.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 11:09 am 
 

Bayern's reviews are overlong and meandering.
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demonomania
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 11:44 am
Posts: 512
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2017 1:20 pm 
 

I skip them.
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TheStormIRide
Certified Poser

Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:45 pm
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Location: Brazildonesia
PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2017 6:35 pm 
 

While it's nice to finally read a review on the new Ulver album, I'm a little bummed that it got sniped before the challenge. I was going to write one, but Caspian covered most of what I was going to say anyways. Nice review! I just wish your timing was better! :lol:
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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
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Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 11:34 am 
 

That new Morbid Angel review... :durr:

Quote:
In fact, this album is so generic that a friend of mine likened it's contents to Behemoth, which is a boring band themselves after their black metal era.


I thought it was well known Behemoth were influenced by Gateways era Morbid Angel?

Quote:
The only other album that might be worse is Heretic (I am not including Illud Divinum Insanus here because I don't consider it a Morbid Angel release anyways.


:lol: How clever.

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demonomania
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 11:44 am
Posts: 512
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 11:44 am 
 

Oh, how I love a good COSMF review of an album he doesn't get.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 4:23 pm 
 

Man, his reviews are terrible. Nothing but using the words "boring" and "generic" over and over with no sense of what he means by them. And he uses the fact that his friend disliked the album to try and add content - why should we care about what his random friend says?
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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
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Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 7:16 pm 
 

I present to you, TCOSMF's review of Gateways, removing everything that isn't punctuation or a general synonym for "boring".

The Crazy Old School Music Fan wrote:
... - . .,filler,. ,writer's block. generic"". ,. ,"". ,,,boring. ;. generic boring,"",,"",. generic. ,generic,boring. ,',,/. ,,. lacking,,. ,,. ,';,. . ';,-. '. -,. ('),. -,.


Could have been worse, the most egregious parts are obviously the anachronistic Behemoth comparison (since Behemoth didn't really get popular until they started taking very liberal influence from Morbid Angel) and the fact that Gateways is the best Morbid Angel album so he's just wrong anyways.
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demonomania
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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 9:19 pm 
 

I would like to request that COSMF next review "Soulless" by Grave, to continue incompetently shitting on albums I love.
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Spiner202
Veteran

Joined: Wed May 06, 2009 3:32 pm
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PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2017 10:10 pm 
 

SweetLeaf95's review of the new Warbringer makes me think he's never heard a thrash album before.

Quote:
The earlier tracks made it tough to get into due to the overuse of long screechy soloing overtop of extremely fast rhythms, making it tough to digest. Adding in the drum blasting made it hit a critical point, overflowing all over the place.


Aside from the fact that Warbringer is fairly clean compared to some of the thrash out there, complaining about fast rhythms and "drum blasting" in a genre of music that is focused on playing insanely fast seems to be missing the point. He also says the lyrics are barely comprehensible, but Kevill is easily one of the best enunciating vocalists in this style, especially given that his voice leans more towards death/thrash.

I can't really figure out what his criticisms of this record are that don't apply to thrash as a whole.

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Sweetie
Metalhead

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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2017 11:03 pm 
 

Those are definitely all key elements of thrash, but I kinda thought that it was all mashed together too much and a bit chaotic (I can't think of a better way to put it), being a bit of an earful. It's somewhat biased, because I generally dislike SUPER crazy and screamy stuff, with some exceptions of course. Or, admittedly maybe this wasn't an album that I should have attacked due to my lack of ability to describe why I thought it was just ok.
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BastardHead
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PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 10:37 am 
 

I actually understood what SweetLeaf was saying this time, honestly. The word "overuse" is important here (and he emphasizes it several times throughout the review), because I got the impression that he wasn't saying that it was lukewarm simply because of those things, but because it comes off as if those are the only tricks the band has in their bag. Granted, I don't necessarily agree that Warbringer has that problem (they're certainly hyper aggressive but it's not Pleasure to Kill or something) nor do I agree that it's a bad thing (Reign in Blood is one of my all time favorites specifically because it's so overboard and all-thrash-all-the-time), but he explains himself pretty well.
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Lissart
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Posts: 107
Location: Starspawn
PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 4:22 pm 
 

Why my review is being assessed for such a long time? It's like 9 days today since I submitted my rev. It's the longest awaiting time I've ever encountered here.

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Metantoine
Slave to Santa

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 12030
Location: Montréal
PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 4:27 pm 
 

Lissart wrote:
Why my review is being assessed for such a long time? It's like 9 days today since I submitted my rev. It's the longest awaiting time I've ever encountered here.

Here you go.
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caspian about CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
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Metantoine's Magickal Realm

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Lissart
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Sep 17, 2013 2:39 pm
Posts: 107
Location: Starspawn
PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 5:01 pm 
 

Can you give some insight on your inconceivable decision? You're telling me 'awkward english' while five of my remaining reviews were accepted? I'll take no bullshit, man. I demand having this rev checked by someone else.

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