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Really really funny reviews
http://www.metal-archives.com/board/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=59184
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Author:  Stormalv [ Thu Nov 26, 2009 3:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Really really funny reviews

So, what are some really funny reviews here on MA, that literally made you laugh, anyone want to show some? Or at least some quotes if there's just a little part that's funny.

I myself find this review of Enslavement of Beauty's first album hilarious, the first review here:

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=20027

Now, I'm a fan of EoB, and I think their lyrics are great, but the way this guy describes their (in his opinion) suckage is just so incredible, I laugh my ass off. For example this part:

"It’s hard to see what more Tunheim could have done to rise above the laughable lyrics that quote de Sade throughout and peak at the line “What excitement in my organs". And no I’m not quoting out of context. Try making that line work anywhere."

:lol:

I wonder if this guy has something personal against the vocalist/lyricist, hehe... But anyway, funny stuff.

Any others??

Author:  Mateilkrist [ Fri Nov 27, 2009 1:41 pm ]
Post subject: 

Most of the reiviews for Cryptopsy's The Unspoken King are good for a laugh. Ramseus's in particular:

"The guitars are distinctly Cryptopsy in tone, but sadly they have been castrated and watered down so much that they've actually begun to erode - I didn't think metal eroded, but I guess it does, and to carry this metaphor further I'd say that the shores of Cryptopsia have been battered by corestorms and now lay at the bottom of lake metal, all waterfront residents of Cryptopsia have lost their homes due to erosion and now feel scared and abandoned. The Cryptopsia government will not aid those who have lost their homes, because “Fuck you this album is more brutal than anything ever.”

Author:  DrummingEdge133 [ Sat Nov 28, 2009 4:38 am ]
Post subject: 

On that note, I think this video is appropriate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdZTl6mFTAk

Funny stuff.

Author:  Rippingheadache [ Sun Nov 29, 2009 11:34 am ]
Post subject: 

The Tiffany Vs Whoracle review is a classic.

Author:  Milo [ Sun Nov 29, 2009 2:47 pm ]
Post subject: 

Mateilkrist wrote:
Most of the reiviews for Cryptopsy's The Unspoken King are good for a laugh. Ramseus's in particular:

"The guitars are distinctly Cryptopsy in tone, but sadly they have been castrated and watered down so much that they've actually begun to erode - I didn't think metal eroded, but I guess it does, and to carry this metaphor further I'd say that the shores of Cryptopsia have been battered by corestorms and now lay at the bottom of lake metal, all waterfront residents of Cryptopsia have lost their homes due to erosion and now feel scared and abandoned. The Cryptopsia government will not aid those who have lost their homes, because “Fuck you this album is more brutal than anything ever.”


This is actually funny and clever. Much more than the countless half-assed attempts at wit and humor we stumble upon when reading reviews here in MA.

Author:  Acrobat [ Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:03 pm ]
Post subject: 

Rippingheadache wrote:
The Tiffany Vs Whoracle review is a classic.


Yup, one of the very best on the site. The fact that Cheeses_Priced takes a what seems like an impartial stance makes the review even more scathing. Especially when you step back and consider what he says.

Often the funniest reviews are the most scathing, I find. These would be some of my favourites:

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=29857#25436 - very, very Napero.

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=183835#16199 - the fact that can't award it a 0 makes it even better).

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=1305#4085 (not in essence a negative review, but gives a good overview on their career).

Author:  Razakel [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:22 am ]
Post subject: 

Rippingheadache wrote:
The Tiffany Vs Whoracle review is a classic.


Haha, that was funny even though it's for one of my all time favorite albums.

Author:  BastardHead [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:37 am ]
Post subject: 

ANationalAcrobat wrote:
http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=29857#25436 - very, very Napero.


Nappy is without a doubt one of the funniest reviewers on the site. This Iced Earth one is his best, but he has some solid gold humor in his reviews for Metallica, Opeth, the original Burzum poem, and pretty much anything else he does. If it isn't hilarious, it's extremely well done.

*wipes Nappy jizzums off his chin*

Author:  The_Poltergeist [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 11:23 am ]
Post subject: 

BastardHead wrote:
the original Burzum poem,


Is there any place where I can read that?

Author:  Catachthonian [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 11:43 am ]
Post subject: 

The_Poltergeist wrote:
BastardHead wrote:
the original Burzum poem,


Is there any place where I can read that?

http://web.archive.org/web/200604300820 ... php?id=383

Author:  Napero [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:41 pm ]
Post subject: 

Holy shit, it will never go away, will it? Damn... there goes Nappy's shot at being the UN Secratery General.

Author:  The_Poltergeist [ Mon Nov 30, 2009 3:23 pm ]
Post subject: 

Catachthonian wrote:
The_Poltergeist wrote:
BastardHead wrote:
the original Burzum poem,


Is there any place where I can read that?

http://web.archive.org/web/200604300820 ... php?id=383


thanks

Author:  ksevile [ Fri Dec 04, 2009 10:03 pm ]
Post subject: 

Nightgaunt's review for "Hellig Usvart" is a true gutbuster. I love his style and approach towards it.

Quote:
It is no more worthy of attention or respect than a self-professed vegan willfully in the employ of the Armour company would be.


Quote:
Is it the gross psychomechanical process of seeing a sequence of characters and semiconsciously arranging them into a pattern; assigning basic coherency based on vocabularly and prefabricated grammatical constructs; neurodynamic masturbation?


Quote:
a lyrical rainslicker isn't going to save your soul from the eventual rain of brimstone anymore than an umbrella would save your skin if the Sears Tower fell over on top of you.

Author:  Expedience [ Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:19 pm ]
Post subject: 

ANationalAcrobat wrote:

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=183835#16199 - the fact that can't award it a 0 makes it even better).


"This has about as much energy as a sloth on morphine."

:lol:

Author:  Malacoda [ Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:22 pm ]
Post subject: 

I found a lot of hilarious metalcore reviews. The kind of metalheads who use Metal-Archives usually hate metalcore so much it's funny.

Author:  Empyreal [ Mon Dec 07, 2009 11:22 am ]
Post subject: 

Malacoda wrote:
I found a lot of hilarious metalcore reviews. The kind of metalheads who use Metal-Archives usually hate metalcore so much it's funny.


Really? Most of those kinds of reviews don't take that much thought put into them at all. I find them pretty weak a lot of the time. "Oh no, metalcore sucks because it has screams and breakdowns!" Weak.

Author:  DrummingEdge133 [ Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:46 pm ]
Post subject: 

I always liked the lord_ghengis review of Cryptopsy - None So Vile. His describing and discussing of Lord Worm's vocals made me laugh hard the first time, great stuff.

Author:  Mateilkrist [ Thu Dec 10, 2009 12:10 pm ]
Post subject: 

Looks like Cryptopsy's page is the place to go when you want funny reviews.

Author:  Mateilkrist [ Thu Dec 17, 2009 2:21 pm ]
Post subject: 

Empyreal's recent review of God Hates Us All made me snicker quite a bit.

Empyreal, reviewing God Hates Us All wrote:
“Here Comes the Pain” has riffs that resemble the rumbling of a hungry stomach, and “Payback” has swearing like Tom just stubbed his toe and burned his hand on a hot stove…at the same time.

Author:  Abominatrix [ Wed Dec 23, 2009 3:07 pm ]
Post subject: 

The Navy Blue Vicar was a master at writing amusing reviews. Whatever stuff that guy was smoking, I would like some.

I also get a kick out of some of Acrobat's...the Bathory "Under the Sign of the Black Mark" piece in particular made me laugh aloud a couple of times.

Author:  zeingard [ Thu Dec 24, 2009 8:53 am ]
Post subject: 

Abominatrix wrote:
The Navy Blue Vicar was a master at writing amusing reviews. Whatever stuff that guy was smoking, I would like some.


The fact he made sense was the weirdest thing about his reviews. Don't get me wrong; he was batshit insane, but despite that if you twisted your mind, say 90 degrees the other way, his reviews made perfect sense. Especially his Khanate s/t review.

I wish I was that amusing and yet informative with my reviews.

Author:  DevilsWhorehouse [ Sun Dec 27, 2009 8:39 am ]
Post subject: 

UltraBoris' review of Torture Squad - Pandemonium features what is possibly the funniest paragraph in MA history.

Quote:
It's like in the third grade, where you had to give a report dressed up as your favourite hero, like Magic Johnson or Adolf Hitler or whatnot. Well, these guys dressed up as THRASHERS and they got an A fucking Plus.


It also happens to be true.

Author:  Ubiquitous_Alien [ Tue Dec 29, 2009 11:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Section of a Morbus Deus review that I thought was funny.

"A considerable problem with this Coloradoan quintet's (quartet at the time of recording) debut EP is the fact that the musicians aren't quite skilled enough to play the music they've written. The drummer is either an extraordinarily talented rhythmist, capable of intentionally playing highly complicated, odd-sounding polyrhythmic patterns with his bass drums, or he's just plain sloppy and unable to stay in time when it comes to double bass (I'm betting on the second alternative). As for the guitarists, they seem to sound worse the further they venture up the fretboard;"

Author:  DrummingEdge133 [ Fri Jan 01, 2010 3:24 pm ]
Post subject: 

caspian's review of Sunn O)))'s ØØ Void is really great. I love how he approached that review, it is quite funny and all correct as well :D.

Author:  NecroFile [ Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:54 pm ]
Post subject: 

On one of UltraBoris's Ozzy Osbourne reviews he said something about how Ozzy's penis had dropped off due to drug use. Just the context made it hilarious.

Author:  Marag [ Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:50 am ]
Post subject: 

I always thought that navy_blue_vicar was funny ass hell.The dude was insane, it seems that the combination of drone doom and whatever kind of drugs he was using ended up messing up his head pretty badly.But damn, he never failed to entertain me with his reviews, and besides, it was his writing that made me check out Dopesmoker and Khanate.

Author:  MikeyC [ Tue Jan 05, 2010 3:52 am ]
Post subject: 

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=154953
Bottom review by Desert_Eagle is one of the best I've seen.

"Anyways what's interesting about the band, aside from the anal leakage, is that behind all this we have the singer incorporating the most positive and somewhat thought-provoking lyrics I have heard. I could have easily quoted some here just to kill more space but instead I'll do the same but explaining that I'm not going to do that."

You can't make that shit up. :lol:

Author:  BastardHead [ Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:19 pm ]
Post subject: 

HA! That holds one of my favorite lines I've ever seen. It was mentioned in the what the christ thread but I never knew where it came from.

That review wrote:
They basically try to sound as frantic and chaotic as possible while still having a nice groove. I won't even bother trying to compare it to anything because it's just not going to happen. OK I'll try anyways. It's like having the worst diarrhea in your life but it doesn't burn.

Doesn't that sound nice? It'd be just like a water faucet.


:lol:

Author:  draconiondevil [ Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:01 pm ]
Post subject: 

My personal favourite review is Ultraboris' review for St. Anger.

"Oh my fucking god, we've got a new Worst Album Ever. I thought that the single could just be an aberration, but ya know what, the whole thing is just as fucking bad. I mean Angel Rat is shit, and The Haunted is shit, but at least they have the decency to motherfucking STOP after a while. This thing just goes on and on... it's longer than Suckwater Park, and suckier. Oh the agony - my blood is bleeding, it's that bad after a while. I would rather amputate my own penis with a rusty tuna can lid and die of gangrene in my groin than endure this album ever again."

Author:  Justineer [ Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:30 am ]
Post subject: 

Zeingard's review for Kreator's "[Whores] of Chaos":

Quote:
I'm not going to use the "s word" because frankly, the sound present on 'Hordes of Chaos' is simply an further devolution of that which was present on 'Enemy of God'; an album which was yet more proof that 80's thrash band come backs are the physical equivalent of receiving a cleveland steamer from a sweaty, overweight bloke who just came back from twelve hours at an all-you-can-eat mexican buffet.


How about Desert Eagle's review for Winds of Plague's "Decimate the Weak"?

Quote:
So with Winds of Plague we have yet another deathcore band. I know what you're thinking, "Dude, sweet!"

LOL :p
Quote:
And yeah dude you're right, it's totally sweet. However, WoP (er, maybe I won't use that acronym again) added in something a little unexpected. Nutty symphonic keyboards! How nutty? As nutty as I get after looking at midget porn. I'll let that settle in for a minute.

LMAO :lol:

Author:  Zakillah [ Sat Jan 16, 2010 11:54 pm ]
Post subject: 

Tepes_The_Unweeping on Meshuggah's "I"; just about now.
It was annoying hitting that "I" on the monitor, but this was worth it.
Quote:
There's nothing to like about this. It's like every musical element was custom picked to sound as sterile, yet obnoxiously abrasive as possible to ensure that it elicits no emotional response whatsoever save irritation. Mission accomplished, jerks. It actually get's a lot better in the interludes where the chugs, blast beats, and screams stop for a while and the brief moments of silence are so satisfying that it's just enough to keep on listening to this album. It's almost insidious, these little respites they placed in there so you can just have the will power to keep on listening. If this was made by some psychotic misanthrope who was just out to hurt people with music then it would be the single creative work in human history to have most achieved the goal which it was created to achieve.

Author:  lord_ghengis [ Sun Jan 17, 2010 1:36 am ]
Post subject: 

draconiondevil wrote:
My personal favourite review is Ultraboris' review for St. Anger.

"Oh my fucking god, we've got a new Worst Album Ever. I thought that the single could just be an aberration, but ya know what, the whole thing is just as fucking bad. I mean Angel Rat is shit, and The Haunted is shit, but at least they have the decency to motherfucking STOP after a while. This thing just goes on and on... it's longer than Suckwater Park, and suckier. Oh the agony - my blood is bleeding, it's that bad after a while. I would rather amputate my own penis with a rusty tuna can lid and die of gangrene in my groin than endure this album ever again."


I've never enoyed his use of changed album/band names (Suckwater park, Suckbid Angel etc), but I do like the "My Blood is Bleeding" line.

Author:  TheExodusAttack [ Sun Jan 17, 2010 1:54 am ]
Post subject: 

lord_ghengis wrote:
I've never enoyed his use of changed album/band names (Suckwater park, Suckbid Angel etc), but I do like the "My Blood is Bleeding" line.


I found that little habit of his would be funnier the more ridiculous and over the top its usage was, i.e. his In Flames review title "Reroute to SUCK!" It's just too easy to imagine some disgruntled young man angrily shouting that, not even trying to come off restrained, eloquent or even sensible in his delivery. :lol:

Author:  Mother_of_God [ Sun Jan 17, 2010 5:25 pm ]
Post subject: 

I particularly like BastardHead's review of Five Finger Death Punch's The Way of the Fist. It's funny and entertaining, but also describes the music really well.
Actually, i'm a fan of most of BastardHead's reviews in general.

Author:  Peter31095Metalhead [ Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:42 pm ]
Post subject: 

UltraBoris review for Iced Earth - The Glorious Burden is awesome. In particular this part:

UltraBoris wrote wrote:
Indeed, IS it any good? Fuck no. Let's get that right the fuck out of the way right now. If you want another Stormrider, go to the store and pick up the Iced Earth LP called 'Night of the Stormrider', and then you'll have two copies, and that's the best you're gonna do.

Author:  gestapothrash [ Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:49 am ]
Post subject: 

I think UltraBoris was arguably the funniest review writer to ever frequent the MA. I was checking out some reviews he wrote and:

Quote wrote:
Now, this entire album fucking drags, and drags hard. It goes around in circles, it goes nowhere, and pretty much is the equivalent of fingernails on chalkboard. Slow, irritating, and you just want it to fucking stop.


Quote wrote:
Imagine getting pounded on the side of the head with a rather average-sized brick approximately four times a second for a half-hour while a vacuum cleaner is turned to maximum volume in the background. That's Marduk for ya. Fucking blastbeats... pretty much these guys have decided that the way to gain tr00th and br00tality is to play as fast as is humanly possible, throwing all riffs out the window, and putting the drums way too prominently into the mix


Quote wrote:
What does it sound like? Slayer "God Hates us All". Really. Boring-ass riffs, stupid hardcore vocals, combined with a slightly industrial production that makes all the malltwats jumpdafukup like they've never jumpdafukupped before.


This guy truly is a fucking comedian.

Quote wrote:
Exile? Ehh?? Bloodline??? Cunting fuck, those terrorists really won on 9/11 - they took down our buildings, and allowed this album to be released.


Quote wrote:
Metallica songs are not meant to be orchestrated. Either they're thrash, in which case they demand pretty much rhythm guitar and vocals and that's about it, or they're modern shit, in which case they suck no matter what you do to them.

Author:  Voice_of_Reason [ Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:45 pm ]
Post subject: 

Those quotes aren't funny. UB has a bunch of funny lines, so why did you pick the exact ones least likely to prove your point??

Author:  OzzyApu [ Tue Jan 19, 2010 2:47 pm ]
Post subject: 

As much as I don't like many of Boris' reviews, this one always gets me (Slayer - Show No Mercy):
UltraBoris wrote:
A lot of people don't like this album because it's "cheesy" or whatnot compared to Reign in Blood (oh, I'm sorry, you prefer your goat sitting on a throne, with lower contrast? Well, bend your album Show No Mercy booklet in half and spill soup on it!).

Author:  Stormalv [ Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:48 pm ]
Post subject: 

Voice_of_Reason wrote:
Those quotes aren't funny. UB has a bunch of funny lines, so why did you pick the exact ones least likely to prove your point??

I honestly found many of those quotes very humorous. :lol:

Author:  gestapothrash [ Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:22 pm ]
Post subject: 

Voice_of_Reason wrote:
Those quotes aren't funny. UB has a bunch of funny lines, so why did you pick the exact ones least likely to prove your point??

Oh stop fucking whining. Obviously the only humour you can enjoy is someone falling or getting hit at the back of the head with a shovel. Stormalv found them funny, as did I.

:finger:

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