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Cudnoredje
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 20, 2017 10:33 am
Posts: 33
Location: Zagreb, Croatia
PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 4:14 pm 
 

Quote:
Cudnoredje: As a non-English speaker, I can't give you a detailed correction about your review. However I can advise you to go to Grammarly, a free website that will fix the critical grammar issues and do the most of the job for you.


Thanks. I tried and it detected just a few not so critical issues.
It also detected some "advanced issues" but I can't see them without paying.

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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3833
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 4:20 pm 
 

Spider_X wrote:
here is the link to the review.

Anyone interested in seeing how important it is to incorporate constructive criticism should take the time to compare the original posting to this version. It can be challenging to basically scrap something deeply meaningful, and I respect your effort. I hope more people put the work in that you have. Thanks a lot for taking our notes to heart, and be sure to keep writing.


Andreas_Hansen wrote:
Thanks a lot to you, Grave_Wyrm, Five_Nails and AddWittyUsername for your very detailed answers. That helped me a lot, truly.

We're here to help. Thanks for putting effort into improvement.

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Andreas_Hansen
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:44 am
Posts: 308
Location: Anywhere in the Galaxy
PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 5:16 pm 
 

Cudnoredje wrote:
Quote:
Cudnoredje: As a non-English speaker, I can't give you a detailed correction about your review. However I can advise you to go to Grammarly, a free website that will fix the critical grammar issues and do the most of the job for you.


Thanks. I tried and it detected just a few not so critical issues.
It also detected some "advanced issues" but I can't see them without paying.


That's the kind of stuff peoples here can fix ;) Do not waste your money. I wrote a review with more than 50 advanced issues and it was still accepted.
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Cudnoredje
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 20, 2017 10:33 am
Posts: 33
Location: Zagreb, Croatia
PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:02 pm 
 

Andreas_Hansen wrote:
That's the kind of stuff peoples here can fix ;) Do not waste your money. I wrote a review with more than 50 advanced issues and it was still accepted.


I hope so. :) Pay for translation? Not a single chance.
My review for Decrepit Birth "Axis Mundi" (for those who missed it, it was posted near the bottom of page 92)
has at least 30 advanced issues less than yours and it was rejected.
I just put my Croatian review (http://www.terapija.net/mjuzik.asp?ID=26627)
into the Google Translate, but I spent an hour manually correcting its epic fails. :)

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Andreas_Hansen
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:44 am
Posts: 308
Location: Anywhere in the Galaxy
PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 9:59 am 
 

Ouch, using Google Translate is maybe the best thing to do to upset translators... x) Even if you spend some time to correct it, it has to contain some mistakes.

Translation is a very tough work. It is often tougher than writing a review in your language. You will have to use appropriate words and change some syntax etc... To illustrate my words, book authors choose very carefully their translator and they select it not because the man is good but because he knows perfectly the mind of the writer, how to translate his words while keeping the atmosphere of the book. Writers and translators are often close peoples!

Anyway. I said this because I submitted three times a review and every time it got rejected because of grammar problem, syntax etc... So because of bad translation (and from time to time spelling mistakes). The best you can do, even if it's a little bit more difficult, is writing your review in English since the very beginning. You can do it on Grammarly, so you can see in real time your critical mistakes and fix them. And if you're not that much familiar with English (I'm not an expert myself...) translate your review with a complex dictionary. I've in mind WordReference, which is the dictionary I check at least 300 times in a review to be sure but it only works for Spanish, French, German peoples and a few more languages but not Croatian. Same case for Pons. There are Czech and Slovenian peoples but not Croatian. :/ I don't know Croatian dictionaries but maybe you do!

So if you want to translate: 1/ Translate your review as best as you could not using Google Translate but your knowledge and some dictionaries and 2/ to be sure, submit here (I know you've already done that but maybe another reading from your part would be nice... I don't know). For the moment I can try to fix some mistakes (I'll make another post) but I guarantee nothing. :)
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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3833
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 4:18 pm 
 

Cudnoredje wrote:
My review for Decrepit Birth "Axis Mundi" ... is rejected due to "Poor grammar. Needs to be proofread by a native English speaker."
I can't detect any crucial mistakes here, but someone who speaks English better will probably find them.

I certainly will.

Spoiler: show
(I'm going to break this apart to make the points more clearly. Formatting isn't a current focus.)


Decrepit Birth "Axis Mundi"
Title: Decrepit Suffocation
Rating: 60%

Californian band Decrepit Birth has made its fourth album "Axis Mundi". The new album contains everything the band should have to intrigue the ear pins that pulsate to the eargasm when exposed to technical death metal.

In the first place, it is about the fantastic interweaving of virtuoso drumming and guitar stocks into an unstoppable stream of harmonic and temporal variations.
("guitar stocks"? What does that mean? The headstock is part of the guitar, so that's confusing.
"temporal variations" is also confusing. Sounds like a time warp, when I think what you mean is time signature/rhythm changes or something like that.)


Besides, this album has no pretense to compete in the speed challenge trying to be faster for “revolutionary” 2 BPM’s than currently the fastest album in the genre, nor to force heartless punching of sweep pickings thinking that it shows an ultimate definition of badass guitar player.
(Rephrase for clarity. Trying to make a point while talking shit about something else can be hard. Stick to one purpose at a time:
Point A: the album is good without relying on speed or splashy techniques.
Point B: Other bands are stupid for trying to out-speed or out-splash their contemporaries.
I don't think you need point B.)



All techniques Decrepit Birth doses :nazi: (This won't be identified by any grammar check because it's a word, but it's the wrong word) steadily, not causing the listener to think that all awesome playing is just for the sake of showing that they can play technically. They do not lack variable escapades on the instruments, but they are completely subordinated to the dark and magnificent ambience as well as the fluidity of each song individually.
(More confusing composition. "They" seems to change meaning halfway through the sentence, which is fatal to comprehension. Also, the sentence tries to cover too much ground without connecting the thoughts. Better to have a couple shorter sentences that make slightly different points than forcing the reader to put in work to sort out your meaning. A decent rule of thumb is that a sentence should only compare two thoughts; the more subtle the comparison, the fewer adjectives or qualifications should be used. Communication of an idea should be the priority -- rather a dry, clear review to a poetic, confusing one.)

Still there is something missing in the whole story. The axis is strong, but somewhere it has cracked.
(An axis can't crack. Flawed metaphors get confusing quickly.)

The album sounds respectable and powerful, but it’s not giving enough reasons to claim: "this cannot be done by anyone other than Decrepit Birth". In this regard, the previous two albums "Diminishing Between Worlds" (2008.) and "Polarity" (2010.), with their recognizable non-generic and imaginative author's seal are the masterpieces of technical death metal that apart from the great techs also brought a handful of shiny, almost epic melodies often influenced by neoclassic.
(Another sprawling passage that attempts to do too much between beginning and end. Those citation dates don't need periods. Albums are italicized.)


"Axis Mundi" has reduced the melodic factor and increased brutality. They also reduced unpredictable beat breaks in favor of linearity, so that comparison with the recent Suffocation albums is not missed.
(Better, but still confusing. "so that comparison w/ recent Suffocation is not missed" makes it sound intentional. Again, it's just about clarity.)

Of course, qualification “Decrepit Suffocation” is not offensive to the band itself, but the very possibility of calling them so suggests that Decrepit Birth has been slightly devolved creatively.
(I can't make sense of what you're trying to say here.)


If this album emerged before two previous and after "... and Time Begins" (2003.), it would be considered as a turning point in the band’s evolution from brutal death into technical. But this is how the band is stricken by the curse that after two ingenious albums they could not surpass themselves.

I did not even mentioned that the guttural vocals on the album are deeper, less succulent and more distant from the "front" comparing to previous two, with the lack of articulation and defiance. Thus, vocals can function as an ambiental :nazi: addition to instrumental accompaniment, but do not have the power to carry the song.
(Eh? Very hard to follow, and unclear why this information appears in this paragraph. "I did not even mention" is not useful; just put the information where you should have mentioned it. "Ambiental" is a word in Spanish, but not in English.)

An extra minus to album are three final songs, all covers of 90's and late 80's metal classics (Metallica "Orion", Sepultura "Desperate Cry", Suffocation "Infecting the Crypts") and they do not bring anything special comparing to originals. That’s pretty diluting solution for the album's ending and unnecessarily duration filling as if 9 songs last for 40 minutes are not enough.
(English has these articles like "the" and "a" that other languages don't always use, and translation from those languages into English can omit them. They're important in English composition -- "comparing to originals" becomes "compared to the originals." "An extra minus" is a confusing turn of phrase. Better to say something like "The three final songs also detract from the album ...")

In general, the album is far from disappointing, but after 7 years of discographical :nazi: break we expected more. Especially since the gap between the previous two outstanding albums was only two years. :nazi: (Fragment sentence) If we have to wait another seven years for the next Decrepit Birth album, either we will get the best technical death album in the world, either sadly witness the epitaph of a complete creative staggering :nazi: (Huh?).

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Cudnoredje
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 20, 2017 10:33 am
Posts: 33
Location: Zagreb, Croatia
PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2017 1:52 pm 
 

Grave Wyrm, thanx for your quick and extensive response.

Spoiler: show
Quote:
In the first place, it is about the fantastic interweaving of virtuoso drumming and guitar stocks into an unstoppable stream of harmonic and temporal variations.
("guitar stocks"? What does that mean? The headstock is part of the guitar, so that's confusing.
"temporal variations" is also confusing. Sounds like a time warp, when I think what you mean is time signature/rhythm changes or something like that.)


"stock" is probably a wrong word for an instrumental part played on guitar.
"harmonic and temporal variations" means that they have a plenty of harmonic and tempo changes.

let's make it like this:
In the first place, it is about the fantastic interweaving of virtuoso drumming and complex guitar parts into an unstoppable stream of harmonic and tempo changes.

Quote:
Besides, this album has no pretense to compete in the speed challenge trying to be faster for “revolutionary” 2 BPM’s than currently the fastest album in the genre, nor to force heartless punching of sweep pickings thinking that it shows an ultimate definition of badass guitar player.
(Rephrase for clarity. Trying to make a point while talking shit about something else can be hard. Stick to one purpose at a time:
Point A: the album is good without relying on speed or splashy techniques.
Point B: Other bands are stupid for trying to out-speed or out-splash their contemporaries.
I don't think you need point B.)


it's an attempt of putting both points into one sentence. but i still can't see what's so unclear here.
speed challenge = when the band is trying hard to be 2 BPM's faster that currently the fastest band in genre,
and they think that speeding up is a revolutionary (or maybe groundbreaking sounds more suitable?) thing.

maybe like this:
Besides, this album has no pretense to compete in the speed challenge trying to be 2 "groundbreaking" BPM’s faster than currently the fastest album in the genre,

Quote:
All techniques Decrepit Birth doses (This won't be identified by any grammar check because it's a word, but it's the wrong word) steadily, not causing the listener to think that all awesome playing is just for the sake of showing that they can play technically. They do not lack variable escapades on the instruments, but they are completely subordinated to the dark and magnificent ambience as well as the fluidity of each song individually.
(More confusing composition. "They" seems to change meaning halfway through the sentence, which is fatal to comprehension. Also, the sentence tries to cover too much ground without connecting the thoughts. Better to have a couple shorter sentences that make slightly different points than forcing the reader to put in work to sort out your meaning. A decent rule of thumb is that a sentence should only compare two thoughts; the more subtle the comparison, the fewer adjectives or qualifications should be used. Communication of an idea should be the priority -- rather a dry, clear review to a poetic, confusing one.)


"doses" comes from the verb "to dose". they're not putting too much or not enough techniques.

Quote:
Still there is something missing in the whole story. The axis is strong, but somewhere it has cracked.
(An axis can't crack. Flawed metaphors get confusing quickly.)


axis is not only Earth's rotation axis, it can also reffer to an mechanical axis (spindle, rod...)

Quote:
The album sounds respectable and powerful, but it’s not giving enough reasons to claim: "this cannot be done by anyone other than Decrepit Birth". In this regard, the previous two albums "Diminishing Between Worlds" (2008.) and "Polarity" (2010.), with their recognizable non-generic and imaginative author's seal are the masterpieces of technical death metal that apart from the great techs also brought a handful of shiny, almost epic melodies often influenced by neoclassic.
(Another sprawling passage that attempts to do too much between beginning and end. Those citation dates don't need periods. Albums are italicized.)


ok, this note about too long sentence is more about style than "poor grammar".

Quote:
Of course, qualification “Decrepit Suffocation” is not offensive to the band itself, but the very possibility of calling them so suggests that Decrepit Birth has been slightly devolved creatively.
(I can't make sense of what you're trying to say here.)


this Decrepit Birth album has a lot of Suffocation influences which they haven't had before.
that's why it can be called (or qualified as) Decepit Suffocation.
it's not offendable (it can also be considered as a compliment),
but it's a creative devolution comparing with previous two albums.


Quote:
"Ambiental" is a word in Spanish, but not in English.)


I wanted to say that vocals sounds only like some kind of soundscape, an ambient (or ambience?) background.
Quote:
In general, the album is far from disappointing, but after 7 years of discographical :nazi: break we expected more. Especially since the gap between the previous two outstanding albums was only two years. :nazi: (Fragment sentence) , either we will get the best technical death album in the world, either sadly witness the epitaph of a complete creative staggering :nazi: (Huh?).


yeah, i'm not sure if "discographical break" (or discographic break?) is a correct phrase for the pause between two discographic releases.

second one is more tough. staggering is noun here (when someone/something goes down the drain), not an adjective (amazing).
tried to say: If we have to wait another seven years for the next Decrepit Birth album, we have two possibilites:
a) best tech death album ever
b) epic fail in the sense of creativity

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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3833
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:40 pm 
 

Cudnoredje wrote:
Grave Wyrm, thanx for your quick and extensive response.

Sure thing. I'll just add more to the existing spoiler.

Spoiler: show
In the first place, it is about the fantastic interweaving of virtuoso drumming and guitar stocks into an unstoppable stream of harmonic and temporal variations.
("guitar stocks"? What does that mean? The headstock is part of the guitar, so that's confusing.
"temporal variations" is also confusing. Sounds like a time warp, when I think what you mean is time signature/rhythm changes or something like that.)


"stock" is probably a wrong word for an instrumental part played on guitar.
(You're right about that. "Instrumental passages" "interludes" "Instrumental sections" ... basically just call it what it is.)

"harmonic and temporal variations" means that they have a plenty of harmonic and tempo changes.
(This is the first of several times you explain yourself in clearer language than the original text.)

let's make it like this:
In the first place, it is about the fantastic interweaving of virtuoso drumming and complex guitar parts into an unstoppable stream of harmonic and tempo changes.
(A bit long-winded, using a qualifier every time, but much more clear; it gives the reader an essentially unmistakable description)



Besides, this album has no pretense to compete in the speed challenge trying to be faster for “revolutionary” 2 BPM’s than currently the fastest album in the genre, nor to force heartless punching of sweep pickings thinking that it shows an ultimate definition of badass guitar player.
(Rephrase for clarity. Trying to make a point while talking shit about something else can be hard. Stick to one purpose at a time:
Point A: the album is good without relying on speed or splashy techniques.
Point B: Other bands are stupid for trying to out-speed or out-splash their contemporaries.
I don't think you need point B.)


it's an attempt of putting both points into one sentence. but i still can't see what's so unclear here.
(Putting two points into one sentence is exactly what makes it unclear. It's too long. By the end of it your point is muddied by snark and has changed topics. Something that difficult to follow neither makes your point effectively, nor takes the intended amount of piss.)

speed challenge = when the band is trying hard to be 2 BPM's faster that currently the fastest band in genre,
and they think that speeding up is a revolutionary (or maybe groundbreaking sounds more suitable?) thing.
(I get it, I just think that the attempt at snark detracts from a perfectly good point.)

maybe like this:
Besides, this album has no pretense to compete in the speed challenge trying to be 2 "groundbreaking" BPM’s faster than currently the fastest album in the genre,
(Better, but you can say it even more simply: "This album shines on its own, refusing to participate in the genre's pretentious speed challenges." Don't you dare cut and paste that; it's just an example. There are over a dozen ways you could rephrase it on your own.)


All techniques Decrepit Birth doses (This won't be identified by any grammar check because it's a word, but it's the wrong word) steadily, not causing the listener to think that all awesome playing is just for the sake of showing that they can play technically. They do not lack variable escapades on the instruments, but they are completely subordinated to the dark and magnificent ambience as well as the fluidity of each song individually.
(More confusing composition. "They" seems to change meaning halfway through the sentence, which is fatal to comprehension. Also, the sentence tries to cover too much ground without connecting the thoughts. Better to have a couple shorter sentences that make slightly different points than forcing the reader to put in work to sort out your meaning. A decent rule of thumb is that a sentence should only compare two thoughts; the more subtle the comparison, the fewer adjectives or qualifications should be used. Communication of an idea should be the priority -- rather a dry, clear review to a poetic, confusing one.)


"doses" comes from the verb "to dose". they're not putting too much or not enough techniques.
(Hm. I see what you mean, it's just the wrong word for what you're intending. "All techniques they dose" makes no sense. They're moderate with every technique they use; they use each chosen technique judiciously; They neither under-represent nor overuse any technique; etc.)


Still there is something missing in the whole story. The axis is strong, but somewhere it has cracked.
(An axis can't crack. Flawed metaphors get confusing quickly.)


axis is not only Earth's rotation axis, it can also reffer to an mechanical axis (spindle, rod...)
(Then just say that. I know you're trying to make a reference to the title, but it's confusing because "axis" usually refers to something imaginary -- e.g., mathematics, government, physics -- even in botany the axis of the plant isn't a physical part of the plant, but refers to a portion of a whole. It's just not the right use of the word.)


The album sounds respectable and powerful, but it’s not giving enough reasons to claim: "this cannot be done by anyone other than Decrepit Birth". In this regard, the previous two albums "Diminishing Between Worlds" (2008.) and "Polarity" (2010.), with their recognizable non-generic and imaginative author's seal are the masterpieces of technical death metal that apart from the great techs also brought a handful of shiny, almost epic melodies often influenced by neoclassic.
(Another sprawling passage that attempts to do too much between beginning and end. Those citation dates don't need periods. Albums are italicized.)[/quote]


ok, this note about too long sentence is more about style than "poor grammar".
(And? There's more to this thread than grammar. I'm interested in more than just the bare minimum.)



Of course, qualification “Decrepit Suffocation” is not offensive to the band itself, but the very possibility of calling them so suggests that Decrepit Birth has been slightly devolved creatively.
(I can't make sense of what you're trying to say here.)


this Decrepit Birth album has a lot of Suffocation influences which they haven't had before.
that's why it can be called (or qualified as) Decepit Suffocation.
it's not offendable (it can also be considered as a compliment),
but it's a creative devolution comparing with previous two albums.
(I think what you mean is "regression." Devolution means something else -- one of English's booby traps, unfortunately. I understand what you're trying to say now, but it's still confusing. Just say one thing at a time.)


("Ambiental" is a word in Spanish, but not in English.)
I wanted to say that vocals sounds only like some kind of soundscape, an ambient (or ambience?) background.
(Another example of your explanation being much more clear than the original text.)



In general, the album is far from disappointing, but after 7 years of discographical :nazi: break we expected more. Especially since the gap between the previous two outstanding albums was only two years. :nazi: (Fragment sentence) , either we will get the best technical death album in the world, either sadly witness the epitaph of a complete creative staggering :nazi: (Huh?).

yeah, i'm not sure if "discographical break" (or discographic break?) is a correct phrase for the pause between two discographic releases.
(English is fucked up. You did what SHOULD have worked, but the language betrayed you. Discography means an entire body of work; the band took a break between successive releases within that body of work. "Discographical releases" is both redundant and improper. Best to just find another way to say it.)

second one is more tough. staggering is noun here (when someone/something goes down the drain), not an adjective (amazing).
tried to say: If we have to wait another seven years for the next Decrepit Birth album, we have two possibilites:
a) best tech death album ever
b) epic fail in the sense of creativity
(I see what you mean. Your description is again more clear than the original.)


(Considering how often you're able to explain yourself so much more clearly than the original text, it seems to me like you're overworking the writing. Relax when you write, don't push so hard; let the sentences make your points one at a time, you don't need to cram so many thoughts together. Your wit will find its natural way to show itself. Focus on clarity of communication, and simplicity of ideas. Thanks for being willing to work through these notes.)

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YevX
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2016 12:45 am
Posts: 61
Location: Costa Rica
PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:47 pm 
 

Hey Can you guys help me with the grammar on my review please, thanks!

Spoiler: show
Okay, so, this is Helloween's 3rd album with the new line-up, (My Favorite Line-Up) the new members had already felt comfortable in the band by The Time Of The Oath so now It's time to experiment a little, with this comes: Better Than Raw.


The intro to this album was composed by Uli Kusch unlike the others which were by Weiki, then Comes "Push" a hard-hitting Fast track to kick you right in the nuts and say "This Is what we are capable of!" kick ass Tune. This album is pretty experimental with a contrast of songs like Revelations and then "Time", However, It's still power metal, Some Songs in this album are kind of a celebration, with songs like "Lavdate Dominvm" which Weiki wrote to thank the Spanish fans giving a warm welcome to Andi Deris as a new vocalist and... It's in fucking Latin, then there's "Falling Higher" which from the lyrics it's easy to tell they are celebrating METAL!
"Hungry forever since we took a glance
Feared that the world was taken by someone
We realized by the look in your eyes
Metal will never die"
Basically something like this: In 94' we thought Metal was killed by grunge but when we saw our fans go nuts we realized METAL WILL NEVER DIE!
by the way the most "power metal" songs here are "Falling Higher" and "Lavdate Dominvm", Happy Choruses and beautiful melodies, another thing, the guitar solo in Push is Fucking Beautiful.


There's 1 track in here that's stands out as an Epic, That Would Be "Revelations", This song is absolute madness, crazy drumming, Beautiful Guitars as usual but quite a progressive track, we can hear Uli's Influence of Rush and Judas Priest a lot in this record, I think those are the highlights of this album, the other tracks are pretty solid but not as, the 2 singles in the album are "Hey Lord!" And "I Can", pretty up-lifting and are the basic mid tempo Helloween songs, I always thought of "I Can" as Andi's "I Want Out".


Final Thoughts for this album: Good Helloween Album, Better than most, Definitely go out and get it if you haven't which would be crazy! Not a single bad song in here, even the fillers are enjoyable like "A Handful Of Pain". It's easily one of their best albums.
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Grave_Wyrm
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Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 4:59 pm 
 

That's a mess. Did you write it in five minutes?

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YevX
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2016 12:45 am
Posts: 61
Location: Costa Rica
PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 8:59 pm 
 

Grave_Wyrm wrote:
That's a mess. Did you write it in five minutes?


English is not my first language, I'm from Costa Rica.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 152
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:55 am 
 

@YevX

I think what Grave_Wyrm is saying is that this review doesn't meet the standards for this website. First, I suggest you read some more reviews to get an idea what is expected. Remember that all reviews need enough musical description (not just, "This track is awesome, it's so fast and has a great solo!") and should say something useful, so maybe look at the other reviews for 'Better than Raw' as well to see what people have already said. The review that you wrote doesn't have almost any musical description and doesn't tell a new listener what to expect from this album. Imagine someone doesn't know Helloween, how will they know what it sounds like?

Your English is not too bad actually, I think you should just remember two things for now. The first one is how to use capital letters: they should be used for names (of people, of bands, of songs, and albums) and at the beginning of a sentence. That's it. Don't use them for things like "My Favourite Line-Up" or "Beautiful Guitars". The second thing is to make the review at least a bit more formal. We know you are a big fan of this album, but you are writing a review, not shouting from the front row of a concert, so try to make your language more written and less spoken. Reading other reviews will help for this.

Anyway, I hope you have another try at the review because 'Better than Raw' is a great album!

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YevX
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2016 12:45 am
Posts: 61
Location: Costa Rica
PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 2:21 pm 
 

thanks man!
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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3833
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 12:15 pm 
 

YevX: the site standards are available for your personal enrichment. Once read, heed the gnosis of Mr. G. Colostomy.
https://www.metal-archives.com/board/vi ... =4&t=44482


gasmask_colostomy wrote:
The first one is how to use capital letters

Their almost random use was what made it look slap-dash. If YevX knows enough English composition to get a review to this point, he knows that, as well, seeing as those rules are as basic as it gets. Plenty of people whose English comp is less developed than this don't interact with the keyboard itself as erratically, so I'm skeptical of ESL being the issue.

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Apteronotus
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2009 9:07 am
Posts: 958
PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 4:47 pm 
 

I've been getting back into reviewing and was wondering if anyone had constructive criticism or suggestions on my reviews generally as I start to ramp up once more.
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gasmask_colostomy
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:41 am 
 

Apteronotus wrote:
I've been getting back into reviewing and was wondering if anyone had constructive criticism or suggestions on my reviews generally as I start to ramp up once more.


Can you post a sample here, please. We are very lazy, so confronting us with the material will get you advice quicker :p

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Grave_Wyrm
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:25 pm 
 

What he said.

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Apteronotus
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:57 pm 
 

My bad, totally forgot about that part. This is for Oranssi Pazuzu's Varahtelija, thanks for taking a look.

Spoiler: show
This is an absolute beast of an album. Värähtelijä is an entrancing psychedelic black metal experience that has more highlights in its hour-plus run time than seems possible. It’s an almost overwhelming amount of remarkably cool moments, but they are melded together so well that the album’s hypnotic feel never wavers even in the slightest. Incredibly, three of the tracks are over ten minutes long but you’ll end up feeling the album’s magnitude rather than its duration. In a way, Oranssi Pazuzu also flips the normal expectation of how black metal, and metal generally uses instruments. Värähtelijä is something special.

This album is heavily dominated by the rhythm section, to the point where the trance-like drumming is often the focal point. It’s not some kind of dull tribal drone either, the beats are far too unusual and addicting. Calling the syncopation on this album creative is as much as an understatement as saying Escher was creative with drawing stairs: the repetition always seems to be progressing onward. Bass lines are the other side of how the band flips the usual order of the instruments. They fill in the melody for long stretches, weaving into the drum’s rhythm and pulling the listener into the low-end of the mix. Vocals and guitars don’t sit idly by however, they pop into more traditional melodic roles, and also often accompany the music as trippy echoey ornaments.

If it wasn’t clear from reading about the album’s hypnotic qualities and rhythmic focus, this isn’t the kind of release that has many riffs to speak of. Still, there are a handful of incredibly strong moments in the guitar work. “Hypnotisoitu viharukous” for example has a really cool interchange between a fast riff and a slower chord progression. Both parts are somewhat stripped down versions of what the bass is doing, but an octave higher (see, I told you they flip things upside down). The guitar’s contribution makes a huge impact though because it add a harsher and chaotic element to the melody, which is then taken to the extreme in the song’s effects laden outro. It’s a role the effects play really well throughout the album in how they always fit just right into the composition rather than sticking out like a guitar player just screwing around with a fancy new effects pedal. See for example how all of the howls, beeps, and noises fit into the earlier part of “Vasemman käden hierarkia.”

Some exceptionally cool bits are worth pointing out individually. On “Lahja” rhythmic interaction between the strings, the xylophone, and tom drums is nothing short of stunning. It also shifts the song’s flow in a really intriguing way when the xylophone’s chimes go from a 4/4 to 6/8 feel, a simple touch that adds worlds of interest. The way that “Vasemman käden hierarkia” swings back into the earlier motif at about twelve minutes in by incrementally adding drums, bass, and vocals to the flanged tremolo-picked note is absolutely brilliant. It simultaneously brings back the song’s earlier mood in the bass melody while also creating a new feel to keep the track engaging. Then closing it off with cracked out yelling, screaming, and eventually plain old fire noises really drills home the song’s thematic progression.

Värähtelijä is a hell of a ride because it has such an earthy rhythmic side to its vast spacey sounds. Even the relatively weaker track Havuluu is really strong, it’s repetitive two-note theme mutates into a howling mess that’s so unhinged that you have to love it. The album’s mellower sections and the tame closer “Valveavaruus’s” drum free parts are stern reminders of how compelling overall pulse is. I remember the band’s debut release having two really powerful tracks, here it’s all seven. Oranssi Pazuzu abandoned a lot of the traditional rules of making metal, and still crafted a top notch release.
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Cudnoredje
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2017 11:48 pm 
 

Grave_Wyrm wrote:
Considering how often you're able to explain yourself so much more clearly than the original text, it seems to me like you're overworking the writing. Relax when you write, don't push so hard; let the sentences make your points one at a time, you don't need to cram so many thoughts together. Your wit will find its natural way to show itself. Focus on clarity of communication, and simplicity of ideas. Thanks for being willing to work through these notes.


The problem may be in the writing method. I wrote a review in Croatian for our domestic music web-portal. Then I put the text it into a Google Translate and spent one hour trying to correct its epic translation fails. :) But it seems that they still can't be understood properly. Croatian has different syntax rules (especially in the long sentence writing where we have much more freedom in (re)ordering words without losing its sense or exactness) and it causes me a lot of confusion during the translation. Also, there is a crucial problem with Croatian wordplay stuff which can't be translated, but I find hard to rephrase them. My long Croatian sentences are crystal clear and not confusing at all, but they obviously can't work within English grammar rules. It would be easier to write a review directly in English, but I speak Croatian ought too well to switch myself to think in my average non-native English. And yes, that's why it demands more simple writing according to my English knowledge/ignorance. When I find some more time, I will try to make all these sentences more simple. But it's not easy to do that without losing some fine edge shaping and specific layers of text content.


Last edited by Cudnoredje on Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:57 am, edited 3 times in total.
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gasmask_colostomy
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:07 am 
 

Comments in spoiler. Hope they are useful.

Spoiler: show
Apteronotus wrote:
This is an absolute beast of an album. Värähtelijä is an entrancing psychedelic black metal experience that has more highlights in its hour-plus run time than seems possible. It’s an almost overwhelming amount of remarkably cool moments, but they are melded together so well that the album’s hypnotic feel never wavers even in the slightest.


If you think this album is really magnificent, you could describe it in a more concrete manner. For example, you repeat twice in this intro that there are lots of nice moments, but during the review I never get a feel for what those moments are like (which I'll come to in a second, as you do). Also, if this is psychedelic black metal, I'd be very surprised because the rest of your description doesn't hint at any black metal tropes and the only psychedelic thing seems to be the hypnotic drumming.

Apteronotus wrote:
This album is heavily dominated by the rhythm section, to the point where the trance-like drumming is often the focal point. It’s not some kind of dull tribal drone either, the beats are far too unusual and addicting.


This is what I'm talking about. You say that the drumming is the focal point, you say that it's not dull or influenced by tribal drumming, but then you stop and I still don't know what it is like. I'm not bothered about learning the time signature or hearing what parts of the kit are being used, but what it actually sounds like and how it feels to listen to. Are there blastbeats on this album? (You said it's black metal.) Is it "hypnotic" in the same way that people claim of Burzum? Or something else? You can make this clearer.

Apteronotus wrote:
Vocals and guitars don’t sit idly by however, they pop into more traditional melodic roles, and also often accompany the music as trippy echoey ornaments.


Ditto for this. Are the guitars really "melodic"? Or are you talking about melodic black metal?

Apteronotus wrote:
Still, there are a handful of incredibly strong moments in the guitar work. “Hypnotisoitu viharukous” for example has a really cool interchange between a fast riff and a slower chord progression. Both parts are somewhat stripped down versions of what the bass is doing, but an octave higher (see, I told you they flip things upside down).


This too. You have about half of your point made, but aren't following through with your examples and explanations, which are the useful parts of a review. As the reader, I need to be able to imagine this album from the words you've written and - while some of the technical details are there - this could be any kind of riff since all I know is that it's an octave above the bass.

Apteronotus wrote:
On “Lahja” rhythmic interaction between the strings, the xylophone, and tom drums is nothing short of stunning. It also shifts the song’s flow in a really intriguing way when the xylophone’s chimes go from a 4/4 to 6/8 feel, a simple touch that adds worlds of interest. The way that “Vasemman käden hierarkia” swings back into the earlier motif at about twelve minutes in by incrementally adding drums, bass, and vocals to the flanged tremolo-picked note is absolutely brilliant. It simultaneously brings back the song’s earlier mood in the bass melody while also creating a new feel to keep the track engaging. Then closing it off with cracked out yelling, screaming, and eventually plain old fire noises really drills home the song’s thematic progression.


This paragraph is the one where all your comments really deserve to get concrete examples to nail your point home. Unfortunately, I'm still wondering what the album sounds like and now I'm confused because you've listed a lot of instruments that you haven't previously mentioned and my mental idea of the songs is changing with every word like "xylophone", "screaming", and "fire noises". Maybe this is my own personal way of responding to music, but I'd much rather know about what kind of difference the "flanged tremolo-picked note" makes to the song's atmosphere and progress than to have all the details of how that guitar line is played. One way of doing this is changing your adjectives like "stunning" and "brilliant" to something more descriptive: these are positive adjectives, but we already know you feel positive about the album, now we want to know if that change takes you to the edge of your seat in suspense, leaves you breathless with emotion, or if it makes you rock the fuck out in your swivel chair.

Therefore, my general advice about this review is that, while you seem to have a grasp of talking about musical features and know the band's material well enough, you need to do much more to help the reader, especially one who doesn't know this band. You can do that by describing more about the specific effect of the musical decisions on the songs and the listener, plus trying to compare it to other albums and other bands. As I said, I don't know if this is psychedelic black metal because you haven't provided any evidence for that, nor any points of reference.

In terms of writing and grammar, there's nothing much to worry about, though occasionally you miss out articles ('a', 'the') and need to be consistent with how you write album titles and song titles. I write album titles like this - The Number of the Beast and song titles like this - 'Hallowed Be Thy Name', though consistency is the most important thing.

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Apteronotus
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2017 9:46 am 
 

Thanks a ton gasmask, that feedback is extremely helpful and clear. I really appreciate it dude.
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Red_Death
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 1:11 pm 
 

Cudnoredje wrote:
The problem may be in the writing method. I wrote a review in Croatian for our domestic music web-portal. Then I put the text it into a Google Translate and spent one hour trying to correct its epic translation fails. :) But it seems that they still can't be understood properly. Croatian has different syntax rules (especially in the long sentence writing where we have much more freedom in (re)ordering words without losing its sense or exactness) and it causes me a lot of confusion during the translation. Also, there is a crucial problem with Croatian wordplay stuff which can't be translated, but I find hard to rephrase them. My long Croatian sentences are crystal clear and not confusing at all, but they obviously can't work within English grammar rules. It would be easier to write a review directly in English, but I speak Croatian ought too well to switch myself to think in my average non-native English. And yes, that's why it demands more simple writing according to my English knowledge/ignorance. When I find some more time, I will try to make all these sentences more simple. But it's not easy to do that without losing some fine edge shaping and specific layers of text content.


I'd definitely advise you to post your drafts here. As a native speaker myself, I think I could offer some help with polishing your English (I'm also majoring in English, so there's that).

Having said that, I'm not so sure the whole of the problem is in your translation. It seems people have missed a dubious sentence in your draft, reading:
Quote:
The new album contains everything the band should have to intrigue the ear pins that pulsate to the eargasm when exposed to technical death metal.


You can use the neat method of google search with a particular expression in inverted commas so that it yields exact matches; with "intrigue the ear pins" you'd get one result (out of a whole lot of sites with written material), your own draft. That is because you didn't correct google translate, it's eardrums. Correcting for that, you'd still get only two results. This basically means it's a hell of an unusual expression, and I'd say intuitively that it doesn't make much sense. It's rhetorical overkill when you combine that with the notion of eardrums that pulsate to eargasm (there's no need for a definite article here, I think...). I'm not one to criticize creative use of language, but a line should be drawn somewhere. I think you crossed it. For instance, it would make more sense to use "tickle eardrums".

The same search for this expression in Croatian, quoting from your review, also yields one result. So, it can't be that your translation is the only significant aspect of the problem here. It's also a matter of style (hope you don't take offense). It doesn't sound right to me in Croatian as well. And just to be clear, your original text is written clearly. I just wanted to point out one nuance that can shed some light on some broader issues.
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Grave_Wyrm
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 8:23 pm 
 

^ +1 Gold, + 1 Focus to Mr. R. Death.


Cudnoredje, spend some hobby time with thefreedictionary
Adequate resource, includes some nuance.

On style, read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.
Among the most useful 26 pages of material available.

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Cudnoredje
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Joined: Sat May 20, 2017 10:33 am
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 5:23 pm 
 

Red_Death wrote:
Cudnoredje wrote:
The problem may be in the writing method. I wrote a review in Croatian for our domestic music web-portal. Then I put the text it into a Google Translate and spent one hour trying to correct its epic translation fails. :) But it seems that they still can't be understood properly. Croatian has different syntax rules (especially in the long sentence writing where we have much more freedom in (re)ordering words without losing its sense or exactness) and it causes me a lot of confusion during the translation. Also, there is a crucial problem with Croatian wordplay stuff which can't be translated, but I find hard to rephrase them. My long Croatian sentences are crystal clear and not confusing at all, but they obviously can't work within English grammar rules. It would be easier to write a review directly in English, but I speak Croatian ought too well to switch myself to think in my average non-native English. And yes, that's why it demands more simple writing according to my English knowledge/ignorance. When I find some more time, I will try to make all these sentences more simple. But it's not easy to do that without losing some fine edge shaping and specific layers of text content.


I'd definitely advise you to post your drafts here. As a native speaker myself, I think I could offer some help with polishing your English (I'm also majoring in English, so there's that).

Having said that, I'm not so sure the whole of the problem is in your translation. It seems people have missed a dubious sentence in your draft, reading:
Quote:
The new album contains everything the band should have to intrigue the ear pins that pulsate to the eargasm when exposed to technical death metal.


You can use the neat method of google search with a particular expression in inverted commas so that it yields exact matches; with "intrigue the ear pins" you'd get one result (out of a whole lot of sites with written material), your own draft. That is because you didn't correct google translate, it's eardrums. Correcting for that, you'd still get only two results. This basically means it's a hell of an unusual expression, and I'd say intuitively that it doesn't make much sense. It's rhetorical overkill when you combine that with the notion of eardrums that pulsate to eargasm (there's no need for a definite article here, I think...). I'm not one to criticize creative use of language, but a line should be drawn somewhere. I think you crossed it. For instance, it would make more sense to use "tickle eardrums".

The same search for this expression in Croatian, quoting from your review, also yields one result. So, it can't be that your translation is the only significant aspect of the problem here. It's also a matter of style (hope you don't take offense). It doesn't sound right to me in Croatian as well. And just to be clear, your original text is written clearly. I just wanted to point out one nuance that can shed some light on some broader issues.


Great! As a Croatian and English speaker you're capable of comparing my English draft with Croatian original:
http://www.terapija.net/mjuzik.asp?ID=26627

But it seems you've already done that. Ok, maybe it's better to put "da narajca ušne bubnjiće" (to arouse eardrums) than "zaintrigira" (intrigue). Now we can make that sentence more simple: "Novi album sadrži sve što bi technical death metal bend trebao imati da narajca ušne bubnjiće do eargasma." (The new album contains everything that technical death metal album should have to arouse the eardrums to eargasm". if I remove eargasm from sentence and put only "...to tickle eardrums." it'll lose its "stylish" sexual connotaion.

But what about all the other controversial sentences?

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Morgothesadman
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2017 11:37 pm 
 

Hi, this is my fourth review, I wrote it with my heart in my fingers, I was very excited and proud of it, but... I wrote it while drunk, so I had a lot of grammar errors and spelling mistakes. After the rejection I checked it and corrected it, but it got rejected again. I'm asking for some good aid. Please help, there are mistakes I can't seem to see.

Here is my review:

Black metal apex comes from meditation and occultism in the third Schammasch record. The band has matured, found its dark soul and own sound. Their previous album, Contradiction was ambitious, a great piece of art, but somehow it seemed to be overproduced and pretentious. Triangle on the other hand is natural and honest. The band has reached the peak of their talent and art.


Of course is not for everyone, not for black metal purists, or closed minded people. A three discs record over 90 minutes is hard to digest and hard to listen to in a single session. But the music, damn! The music on this beast is one of the greatest works of art I have ever heard, an opus from privileged minds.


As the band lyrics and efforts are focused on meditation, inner dialog and spirituality, you can trust me when I say, they made occultism and reflection music. Every song is deep and dark in its own way. The ambient they created with this album it’s as if you were in the abyss dialoguing with the cosmos. Chaos is part of the universe and chaos is part of Triangle, the music gives you this feeling with the perfect executed drumming and horrendous voices. Deep thoughts come in form of clean vocals and spoken words of wisdom.


Guitar work and solos are a glorious achievement; the best performance in Schammasch discography, marvelous production and mixing has to be praised as well since every single element on each song is enjoyable and perfectly listenable. Acoustic guitars through the album are crystal clear. Composition is another highlight, every song has a structure that works as a solid body and each part is there for a reason.


When "Father's Breath" smashes the instrumental intro song, you become aware that you are facing something bigger than you would think a black metal album could be, this here is supreme. Is hard to pick a best song in a 16 tracks album, furthermore since every single one is a fine piece of music, but I'll go for "Upon the Stars of God" as the masterpiece on this monstrosity. A song that starts quite relaxed, every instrument in sullen harmony, you get comfortable as you picture the universe guided by a beautiful guitar solo, then in its progression we get to find chaos and duality, the drumming on this track is sick and unpredictable which is great, but at the end of the song after some excellent guitar riffs and bass lines, lays a superb guitar performance accompanied with clean vocals that sums up the magnificence of the whole work.



Since black metal is a genre so criticized for its simplicity, raw sound and repetitiveness, is gold to find a band that takes its music seriously and creates something original and magnificent. Triangle is a masterpiece and a work of art in every way. Black metal ends in the third and last chapter —disc 3— and it’s a very intelligent move, an epilogue it seems, an instrumental way to end your journey. I hope some black metal bands could learn from the complexity and quality from this album which is in the end, supreme black metal.

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Morgothesadman
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2017 8:56 pm 
 

Is there anybody out there?

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DesecratorJ
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2017 10:28 pm 
 

Ok, i'll see if I can get some help I guess. Do someone know some useful tools or softwares that could help me with english text correction, grammar and stuff?
Because it looks like i'm always doing the same mistakes over and over again according to mods. Though, it's really not intended and i'm sorry for this.
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Morgothesadman
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 6:07 pm 
 

The beacons are lit, Gondor calls for aid!!!!!!

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Spider_X
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Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 1:48 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 8:27 pm 
 

O.k., guys, someone help me out here? Please? So far here lately I have been doing really well with my reviews, all have been being accepted... then, comes this one, just now. Rejected. The reason stated simply "Poor grammar". Nothing else. So I do not know what is even wrong here. I use 2 seperate spell and punctuation checkers... and, just now, ran my review through both checkers again, and still it comes up showing no errors.

Would anyone mind pointing out what is meant by "poor grammar" please? I am not understanding? I appreciate any help at all, from anyone. Thanks! :)

The review is of Hermóðr's 2012 demo:

For almost ten months now, since starting back in early January of this year, was when I fell so much in love with the music of Hermóðr. And, through all this time, somehow this demo has been eluding me. Only just but a couple of days ago, have I finally found, and listened to this. This demo is simply unlike anything I have ever heard. There is just so much raw emotion presented here. So much so, that for 22 hours straight, I just could not seem to break away from listening to it. I was completely and totally captivated. I mean, the music here is just so powerful, it grabs a hold of you so damn tight, you don't even wish to fight it. You just let it completely take you over, it is that overwhelming!

All three tracks on this cassette are passionately commanding. “För alltid” is the first and, also the longest track on here. And you can really feel the longevity of it, even from the start. The drums on this are very simplistic, yet resonant, keeping the same pace of sound throughout its duration. The guitar melodies have a beautiful blending effect. While it seems to have a very pure harmony to it, at the same time, there also seems to be a droning, grainy effect. And, Rafn and that velvety, melting voice of his; there is honestly no one else on this earth that I have honestly heard that can even come close to competing with his skill level on this. This man and his unrivaled voice; when he starts to sing with his clean vocals, you just cannot help but to become imprisoned by it. I mean, when he breaks this part of his vocals out, you just almost fall to the ground, because his voice is that mesmerizing and beautiful. Undoubtedly, it will put you into an intense, weakened state.

I've really got to talk about the last track on here, “Över de snötäckta bergen”. This one song affects me I think like nothing I can honestly say I've experienced ever. The atmosphere seems to shift some on this, as there's a much more haunting and very cold sound present. This song gives me chills throughout it's entirety. I truly feel like I'm caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, from the very start of this. Slight nausea sets in, while I feel myself being pulled up into the vortex of Rafn's voice. On this one particular song, the frequency of his range in certain parts goes so deep; every single time this puts me in a state of being an emotional mess. And, of course he blends in his black metal vocals brilliantly amongst the velvet. I cannot listen to this song, and not become so overwhelmed with emotion that by the time the song is almost over, I am in tears.

This demo cassette is really something special. It is Hermóðr at its most raw, yet while being so, is nonpareil. My review of this may seem to highlight more Rafn's voice, there is a reason as to why. To me, while the music in itself is tremendously just as dominant; his voice is what is so prominently forthcoming. And, the atmosphere on this... just unreal! While very seasoned, you get the sense of autumn zephyr. And, this sense that you feel while listening seems to want to remain with you even after it's over. But then, at the same time you feel so strongly compelled to revisit this feeling, to experience the magic of this all over again.

If you truly love and cherish Hermóðr's music, and if you have not yet listened to this, you honestly need to. For while every song on every album Rafn has ever done with this project, exceeds true and vibrant beauty; this 2012 demo of his is just something extraordinarily special.
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meshigene
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:32 am 
 

^ lots of mistakes that can't be detected by a simple checker, as well as poor wording, punctuation and word choices. for example, what exactly did you mean by "longevity" in "you can really feel the longevity of it, even from the start"? timelessness? because if a song seems long from the start, it's not a good thing at all. and "It is Hermóðr at its most raw, yet while being so, is nonpareil." sounds like a foreigner trying to sound posh with the help of a dictionary in a high school English textbook. how about "it's Hermóðr at their rawest, but also their most unique"? still not perfect, but hey, at least it sounds less clumsy (to me) and doesn't use a word that your average Hermóðr fan probably wouldn't know without looking it up in a dictionary.
anyway, you might want to proofread this review yourself and not just run it through a checker. while you're completely sober and can pay attention to small details, natch, not half-asleep and intoxicated by 22 hours of blasting Hermóðr's 2012 demo non-stop. hope i didn't do much harm :-D
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Spider_X
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:48 pm 
 

meshigene wrote:
^ lots of mistakes that can't be detected by a simple checker, as well as poor wording, punctuation and word choices. for example, what exactly did you mean by "longevity" in "you can really feel the longevity of it, even from the start"? timelessness? because if a song seems long from the start, it's not a good thing at all. and "It is Hermóðr at its most raw, yet while being so, is nonpareil." sounds like a foreigner trying to sound posh with the help of a dictionary in a high school English textbook. how about "it's Hermóðr at their rawest, but also their most unique"? still not perfect, but hey, at least it sounds less clumsy (to me) and doesn't use a word that your average Hermóðr fan probably wouldn't know without looking it up in a dictionary.
anyway, you might want to proofread this review yourself and not just run it through a checker. while you're completely sober and can pay attention to small details, natch, not half-asleep and intoxicated by 22 hours of blasting Hermóðr's 2012 demo non-stop. hope i didn't do much harm :-D


Thank you for your advice on this, I do appreciate that; really! See the thing is, I think I just got so damn caught up in this one, I mean the music (I mean, you can see how long I listened to the it!), that I accidently got carried away in how I was writing it... making it more "profound" than it needs to be. I am really glad I asked here, you are very correct ;) I definitely need to go back and clean this up some.
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Cudnoredje
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 9:08 pm 
 

Red_Death wrote:
I'd definitely advise you to post your drafts here. As a native (Croatian) speaker myself, I think I could offer some help with polishing your English (I'm also majoring in English, so there's that).


I wrote something much better and more detailed than my first one review posted here, but this goes way too far beyond my translating abilities:
http://www.terapija.net/mjuzik.asp?ID=26966

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Five_Nails
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Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 372
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 9:22 pm 
 

If anyone whose a reviewer wants to, they can get a shareware copy of OpenOffice from this link. https://www.openoffice.org/download/

My old laptop with thousands of hours of music and tons of writing crapped out on me during my four years away and I'm so glad that this program could still access the written files I had kept from Word 2007 from a flash drive.

It's like using Word 2000 to me with a few spiffy extras, especially because I used Word 1998 and 2000 until I got Word 2007 a decade ago. Man, now I'm feeling old. Either way, saving your reviews only on Metal-Archives shouldn't be the only goal. I have every review I've written, including the terrible ones that got moderated out of MA, since I started on a file that I'm still filling. Now I've filled a document of 366 pages and if, in some terrible circumstance, the Encyclopedia Metallum is attacked by some unscrupulous hackers, we can still submit and keep its reviewing strength up.

Consider it a metal review portfolio as well. Hell, consider it a show of how much you've grown, and for many newcomers it will show just where you can improve while also having a place to save some appreciative e-mails or 'fuck yous' from bands that you've chatted with.

I'd say if you want to review music on here and put the time into it, keep a backup that, when you're a bit older, you can look at and appreciate when heavy metal becomes so weird that it's way beyond any of our grasp.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 152
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2017 8:57 am 
 

Morgothesadman wrote:
Hi, this is my fourth review, I wrote it with my heart in my fingers, I was very excited and proud of it, but... I wrote it while drunk, so I had a lot of grammar errors and spelling mistakes. After the rejection I checked it and corrected it, but it got rejected again. I'm asking for some good aid. Please help, there are mistakes I can't seem to see.


After I saw the "Gondor calls for aid" thing, I thought that was funny, so I'll try to help.

I think there aren't many serious problems with grammar and spelling, but probably the reason this was rejected was because the reader can't tell what the music actually sounds like. If I count all the things you mention, it might be clearer. You say the album:
1. is "black metal"
2. is "not for black metal purists"
3. is "occultism and reflection music"
4. has "perfect executed drumming and horrendous voices...(and) clean vocals" - should be "perfectly executed drumming..."
5. has "glorious" guitar work and solos
6. has "acoustic guitars"
7. is "bigger than you would think a black metal album could be"
8. includes a track called 'Upon the Stars of God', which has "a beautiful guitar solo", "sick and unpredictable" drumming, and "excellent guitar riffs and bass lines".

1 and 2 contradict each other, because you don't tell us what is different about this kind of black metal. Are the vocals weird? I'm not sure. I just know there are "horrendous voices". Does that mean the vocals are really terrible? Or do they sound really inhuman? The description of the instruments is especially unhelpful, because you have just used words like "perfect" and "glorious". I guess your score for the album is high, but I have no idea why you think they are so good! This part is what got the review rejected by the moderators. You need to describe specific things about the music, not general comments and opinions.

I hope you find these comments useful.

Gas

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albanvortex
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2017 4:17 am
Posts: 3
Location: France
PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 11:32 am 
 

Hello to the great folks at MA
I wrote a review for the band Funeral Hearse from Singapore. It's still in pending status. Its been quite awhile now. I'm wondering if i had not written the review well or maybe its not a well known band.
Can someone please help me with how to improve my writing of reviews here although i have written quite extensively for a number of Metal blogs. I think MA has high standards but english is not my native language and maybe i suck at writing.
Thanks anyways!

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PaganiusI
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:49 pm
Posts: 258
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 3:07 pm 
 

Hey guys,

just wanted to ask for some input to improve my way of writing reviews. Feel free to read through my reviews, I'd love to hear your thoughts about them.
Not a native English speaker, so be kind about spelling/grammar, but there shouldn't be that many issues, otherwise "Feuer frei" as Rammstein would say.

Please ignore my review for 300 Cobras, I'm planning on rewriting or just deleting it anways, because it's way to focussed on the guitars ;)

Reviews

Thanks in advance for your thougts/help/improvements.
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albanvortex
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2017 4:17 am
Posts: 3
Location: France
PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2017 7:01 am 
 

Hi guys my review for this awesome band Funeral Hearse from Singapore was rejected.
It seems mine was too annoying to read lol!
Can someone write a better one?

here's the review

Okay finally a Black Metal band from Singapore with no ugly looking wannabe Norwegian corpse paint and all that warmetal spikes heavy chains used to lock storage gates and gay bullet belt bullshit. No dreadfully long and stupid sounding song titles like "Demonicfrostbite Goatpenis Execration Rituals" which some bands from this country are notoriously infamous for. No! none of that bullshit or lousy sound production with just horseshit that some of these Blasphemy wannabes from Singapore put out once awhile after they have grown bored with their girlfriends. Funeral Hearse is a band that plays quality black metal.

Funeral Hearse is something like a creme de la creme of the south asian black metal scene.
Very intense and crushing Black Metal yet with an excellent sound and production.
The guitars have a tone that carries the sound very well especially when it comes to the trademark Norwegian Black Metal tremolo pickings and the 4 tracks in this ep offering has a very cold, grim and frighteningly Attilaesque vocals to carry the merciless Black Metal attack with such strength and force.
Usually the bands from these part of the world do not have vocals that lets you hear what is it that they sing. It's usually some garble mumbling rubbish shrieks and screams with no substance or meaning but here you can hear the vocals prounouncing each word with clarity all through the merciless barrage of sonic assault and pounding of drums and blast beats.

I would've rated this a 80% but had to settle for 75% instead because though it's a very good ep release considering the fact that it's just the debut of this band, i found the tracks rather short and sometimes the guitars played in haste.
They should really work on getting some harmony and melody rather than be repetitive with their guitar chords. The bass needs to be balanced up a little as well as the bass work sounds a little low on the tracks.

Funeral Hearse seems to be a promising band.
Waiting to see what kind of sonic destruction they bring next!

here are some links!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvrDOGawunQ

https://redefiningdarknessrecords.bandc ... thwinds-ep

reviews

http://www.metal-revolution.com/reviews ... deathwinds

http://www.nocleansinging.com/2017/10/0 ... wood-fell/

http://occultblackmetalzine.blogspot.sg ... -spit.html

would really appreciate your feedback and help to write review!

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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3833
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:55 pm 
 

albanvortex wrote:
here's the review

Okay finally a Black Metal band from Singapore with no ugly looking wannabe Norwegian corpse paint and all that warmetal spikes heavy chains used to lock storage gates and gay bullet belt bullshit.

fades into the distance


Some of the submissions we see in this thread are bad, but might improve with practice. Some suffer only from a language barrier. Some of them might be annoying because an opinion isn't shared or the style is ridiculous, but that's not a problem if the review itself does what the rules say it must. Some offerings, like this writer's, are like panhandlers you just don't feel right giving money to. There's just something about them. Clearly their hygiene is bad, they smell of their own varied accretion of "dirt," their manners are tacky, but those features alone don't explicitly set them apart from most other reviews around them. As a public transport-commuter and pedestrian, I'm inclined to support certain individuals (buskers are statistically more likely to gain a few coin) and others not (like the fellow who says it's his 50th birthday everytime he shows up). It's a snap judgement, usually, a knee-jerk reaction, a social heuristic developed over time. Sometimes these reactions are reductive and may leave one with a temporary taste of regret, but sometimes you simply don't like them. The reaction is immediate, instinctive, animalistic. You couldn't care less if they live or die. The one with horns turns away, and you agree with him.

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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3833
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 3:33 pm 
 

PaganiusI wrote:
Feel free to read through my reviews, I'd love to hear your thoughts about them.

Editing, I think, is where you might put focus in the future; economy of language. You have a good collection of information, references, context, musical description, etc. (in short, "substance") but I find myself skimming them instead of reading them through. Next time you're working on one write until you're ready to submit it. Then don't, and treat it like a first draft. Revise it a couple of times while asking yourself "Can I put this more simply? Am I muddying this idea?"

Next time you have something ready to submit, post it here and remind me that we had this conversation.

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PaganiusI
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:49 pm
Posts: 258
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 5:28 pm 
 

Grave_Wyrm wrote:
PaganiusI wrote:
Feel free to read through my reviews, I'd love to hear your thoughts about them.

Editing, I think, is where you might put focus in the future; economy of language. You have a good collection of information, references, context, musical description, etc. (in short, "substance") but I find myself skimming them instead of reading them through. Next time you're working on one write until you're ready to submit it. Then don't, and treat it like a first draft. Revise it a couple of times while asking yourself "Can I put this more simply? Am I muddying this idea?"

Next time you have something ready to submit, post it here and remind me that we had this conversation.


Thanks, I will :)

You mean I should compress it more? Like "less words is more" or like I should take more time to phrase the ideas better and make "pauses" instead of "shooting" them out all at once?
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